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| Blogs > myelin36 > Dirty Little Secrets |
I told a Lie
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I told a Lie It was a white lie to a person I had a brief interaction with while getting my coffee yesterday morning. "How are you?" she asked. "Good" I half smiled. But I wasn't "good." I am just good at disguising things. There is darkness in truth. Especially now, when so many of our connections happen only five minutes at a time; fully filtered and perfectly hash tagged. In my defense though, it’s not entirely my fault. There is an inner battle we all struggle with- those rough days we have. They don’t tend to translate very well when you have several people in line behind you for coffee or a hundred and forty characters to spell out your day. Honestly, what was I going to tell that girl who served me my coffee? That one of my tried to kill herself last night and was hooked up to machines to keep her alive? No. I wasn’t going to tell her this. Because therapists have an ethical obligation to their and shocking total strangers into oblivion is a bit harsh and cruel. Especially when she’s the girl in charge of serving you coffee. But I did spend the entirety of my day wondering about my sense of authenticity; that collective vulnerability; that polished identity. And it made me feel like a total fraud. Because I’m not any of the things that I feel this girl sees looking across the other side of the counter. If I showed up one morning, wearing my most ragged and scarred self it would be a very different girl staring back at her (and she would likely feel inclined to offer me a bottle of wine instead of coffee.) Because I was bullied a lot as a teenager. I’m afraid of thunderstorms. I spend an insane amount of time worrying about what other people think of me. My biggest challenge in life is letting go of people. Even if they hurt me. I hide behind humor for fear that people won’t accept me without it. I often feel like I have failed my as a therapist. I try to avoid large groups so that I won’t feel like the invisible one among it. I'm insanely self-conscious of my smile. I feel like I’m an easy person to walk away from in life and it haunts me on a daily basis. I almost always operate under the assumption that I care more about everyone else than they do about me. I unfollow people on social media if their life seems too perfect because it makes me feel inadequate. I feel like a terrible mother pretty much all the time. I hate cleaning my bathroom. I want to write a book so badly that it hurts. But I’m afraid of people telling me that I suck. I struggle, every single day, with feeling like I’m enough. Skinny enough. Funny enough. Good enough. And I cry. A lot. I highly doubt I would get a medal for any of this. But I know one thing for sure- that even with all of my insecurities and faults, none of those things make my life any less golden. Scars tell stories. Scars mean survival. Scars mean you showed up for the fight instead of running from it. We’ve all got them. Even the nice girl serving my coffee. She’s fighting her own battle; defending her own front line; struggling in her own way. Maybe it’s not about collecting medals for the perceived reality we give the world on our blogs or social media. The reality is, it’s about the purple hearts we get for living bravely among the real world. Life requires guts; it requires bravery and that requires vulnerability. So next time someone asks me how I'm feeling, I will silently acknowledge my scars proudly and carry on. And so should you. Remember, you’re not fighting a battle alone. |
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You have a very hard job but thank you for what you do! Hope your days get better 
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That was wonderfully said... it sounds like you care... a lot !! And btw, I don't like cleaning my bathroom either
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Cleaning bathrooms suck!!! I doubt very many people here have told you that your writing sucks! I imagine you have a great smile and very naughty at times too! Finally, I do not believe telling a stranger that you are well when asked is a lie. We do not and are not supposed to tell anyone and everyone or burden them with our problems or issues. That would make for a truly sad world. Family, great friends and therapists are there for us to listen when we need. It appears from here you enjoy your job though it can be tough at times. It is what you were meant to do. Try not to worry so much.  Then there is always here to vent and receive ALL kinds of great advice from shoulders to lean on!!! Lol! Hugs
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I'm sure you don't need to be told this, but the upside is that you're not afraid to face your frailties. You look them squarely in the face and say "I see you", even if you're not prepared to correct them (and who says you need to correct them?). Whoever said that these "issues" were a bad trait didn't live on our planet. Only robots aren't ever afraid, and I'm not even sure that's true. So kudo's to you for facing your challenges and not hiding from them, letting them out in unwanted ways. In my estimation, you didn't tell a lie - you told the truth in advance.
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You’re not alone either we all tell the “good” white lie you described. When a counter person/stranger asks, “How are you” it is often (not always) a courtesy. We say “good” to save time, or to not think about the things that aren’t “good” etc . . . I “got crap” a lot as a teenager because of my name. It made me “tough”. I hate cleaning my bathroom, kitchen and office space.  I probably use humor as a means of gaining acceptance, but I am naturally a smart ass. I place the emphasis on the smart part; the ass is other people’s judgment  Try to lighten up on yourself. P.S. Thanks for the brief therapy (via blog) sessions.  When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
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Great post. Yes we all have scars to bear during this battle called life.  
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Whenever someone says to me, "How are you?" I want to reply, "Why ask? You really don't want to know, do you?" but I never do, since "How are you?" is a standard social requirement that requires a standard answer along the lines of Fine or Good. Radio talk show host, Bruce Williams, used to reply with the more grammatically correct, "I am well," when he was asked the standard question by a caller. I always liked that, and try to remember to use it. Unfortunately, "Good" or "Fine" has become as much a reflex as kicking the doctor when he hits you on the knee. All things considered, I'd say you're fine. Q: What do two psychics say when they meet? A: You're fine, how am I?
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you may be battling alone but there are people cheering for you!
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I don't think "polite conversation" is considered telling lies. On the other hand, maybe it's not so polite after all, when we're telling each other lies! I can see a lot of myself in what you were listing as your fears/insecurities. We all have our own personalized set of inadequacies. But as you said, we show up for the battle. That's what counts. And not only do you show up, but you help others fight their demons! Kudos to you!! Cleaning the bathroom sucks. Pagan  Hmmmm....I know I left that wand around here somewhere!
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You hang in there!!!! I know it seems tough at times. I know I have been there. Keep smiling!!
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You will find happiness darlin Aut viam inveniam aut faciam Tips for Guys to Meet Women  Things i miss most about relationships
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14/1/2016 17h00 |
Just hang in there stay positive things will get better we have all had some issues to battle in one form or another
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Response #2 myelin36 said: "Because therapists have an ethical obligation to their clients . . ." I shall proceed believing that obligation to be one-way and request that you do not dispel my belief, misguided though it might be. The last therapist I had was highly regarded, well paid, and worked for one of the finest healthcare organizations in the world. He was also self-centered to the point of being a danger to his clients. This pompous asshole never let his clients speak. Every session was all about him . . . he bragged about his credentials, his sexual conquests, his publications, his perfect marriages (all three of them), his world travels, and his superiority to other therapists. For me there is no question that this man is a menace who does more harm than good. Unfortunately this bombastic blowhard doesn't have the self-awareness to question his own supremacy. Myelin, the very existence of your self-doubt makes you a great therapist. You have not failed your clients. You have listened. You have cared. You have reached deep inside yourself and given the best advice you from the bottom of your soul, and you have wished it could be so much more. But just as every good doctor wishes she could make her patients live forever in perfect physical health, every good therapist wishes she could make her clients happy and stable forever. Don't beat yourself up for being a good therapist. It's bad for business. My featured post this week: Pulling Fantasy Sex Out of My Ass.
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Evening, I read your list and see much that I understand intimately. I rarely talk of the scars to anyone, the expectation is that my happy front has a happy core. I too believe that I am easy to walk away from based on past experiences and firmly believe letting the scars be seen will lead to them running rather than walking. I know that I am more resilient because of these scars and can survive things that would crush others, most days that knowledge comforts me and keeps me moving. What I do with people at times when they ask me how I'm doing is ask if they want the pleasantry or the truth and then say how about I just give you the pleasantry, I'm doing terrible. I then smile and laugh like it's a joke even though on the inside I know I've told them the truth without them even suspecting. That helps me on the bad days. Take care, H
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This is one heck of a blog entry, so much so that my response is in two parts. Response #1 myelin36 said: "How are you?" she asked. "Good" I half smiled. But I wasn't "good." I am just good at disguising things. I hereby grant you absolution and decree that there was no sin committed here. If someone were to ask me "How is myelin36?" my response would be "She is fabulous!" or "She is magnificent!" or "She is a treasure for all of us!" Myelin, to us you are the sunshine. You are a rose forever blooming. You are a snow capped mountain, dazzling our eyes with your beauty and slaking our thirst with your gushing springs. If you are not good, it is because you've transcended to a higher plane. You are so much more than good. My featured post this week: Pulling Fantasy Sex Out of My Ass.
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 I think you might need to see a therapist I love cleaning my bathroom and I absolutely never ever lie... not even the little white ones  What is it about thunderstorms that scare people? The sound, the lightning, the way the air feels or is it all the above? I love them though I don't run around outside in them anymore since I got to be a big boy Start with a paragraph then a chapter before you know it you'll have a book. It doesn't have to be perfect the first time around you'll have time for editing. Well... what are you doing right now I hope your client recovers fully and maybe realizes that a second chance is worth taking advantage of. Smile... because unless your teeth are filed into points like a cannibals.... it's beautiful Vive La Difference
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I guess we ultimately have two choices..... To do our best at what we think is right and not worry about what others might think....or To spend so much time analyzing ourselves we become sort of afraid to do anything.... I think you're the first one.....it just that sometimes something happens beyond our control and we beat ourselves up over it as if we could have really changed those events... Click Here To Read A Hot Erotic Story: When A Woman Meets A Stranger Part 1 of 4
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myelin36 said: "ProfPlayful you sure are laying it on thick. You don't have to placate me. I didn't write this blog post seeking out validation." That wasn't placation, it was absolution. Traditionally absolution calls for a bit of thickness.  My featured post this week: Pulling Fantasy Sex Out of My Ass.
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myelin36 replies on 1/15/2016 2:11 pm: Hang in there! I wrote this blog post with the idea that one of my goals this year was to be more authentic to others. Obviously this requires some vulnerability because we live in such a judgmental world. Even though the majority of the responses to this post have been positive and supportive, a few have felt the need to offer their judgment. Maybe I should write a blog about my thoughts on judgmental people. Morning luv, Oh I plan to hang in. I too have been trying to share a bit more of who I am to those in my life and find myself worrying that I'm over sharing to compensate for the lifetime of keeping everything in. Our society is indeed full of those who are quite happy to share their judgement with any and all. I see no reason you shouldn't put your thoughts down on the subject if you are so inclined, I'll be happy to read and comment on them. Take care, H
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Hey Beautiful! I hope you find a path less fraught with issues for yourself. And if I ever get up your way I promise to only laugh if you are really funny if you allow me to treat you to dinner and a glass of wine. Hugs my Friend!
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