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Happy Birthday to Ms. Lawless!
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Happy Birthday to Ms. Lawless! Prior to making travel arrangements to be with Ms. Lawless for her birthday weekend, I looked at the travel itinerary I was planning (arriving Thursday night and departing on her birthday, today), and I thought, that it was going to suck to part from her on her actual birthday. It did. Not that I had much choice in the matter, unless I wanted to take a week off from work and fly to Little Rock to be with her. Her flight to her new departed just a few minutes before mine left for Chicago. Thinking about how much parting with her on her birthday sucked made me think back to a conversation we had while we were driving to her cousin’s house for a massage appointment on Friday morning. We talked about how you shouldn’t bypass something that brings you great joy because it has the potential to cause you some sadness. I mentioned during this conversation that I felt that people who constantly pass up chances for happiness eventually end up with a lifetime filled with nothing much of anything. She agreed wholeheartedly. And so, I take solace today in the knowledge that the sadness I feel at parting from her today is a small drop in a large bucket of fantastic memories from two full and one half day with her, her family, and her great friends. Undoubtedly, some of the sadness I felt at parting with her yesterday was actually angst caused by my own insecurities. At times like her great birthday party at The Mon on the 19th, I am struck by how great her friends are. When I am in the right frame of mind to enjoy these friends, my life, too, is filled with great joy. When I’m not, I am filled with great trepidation. It is in these moments that my insecurities divert me from enjoying and learning from these friends and instead force me to focus on how I am lacking by comparison. Even more insidious is how, when these insecurities are especially strong, I feel I don’t deserve the love of such an amazing woman, and how she would still have a full, rich, and exciting life without me in it. Why I felt any such trepidation this weekend, quite honestly, I do not know. Maybe I just couldn’t completely escape the pressures of work, of returning to my old house, of finances this weekend. Or maybe it’s just in my nature to be insecure; it says so in a book Ms. Lawless showed me about personality types. And quite honestly, this weekend reinforced to me that she WOULD still have a full, rich, and exciting life even if I were not a part of it. Today, as I am once again coping with the reality of several weeks without her, I am trying very hard to let go of that feeling of trepidation and instead embrace the positives. Positives like how we have fantastic sex that seems to get better each time we get together. Like how her daughters and close friends have embraced me, and how my brother and oldest son have really embraced her. Like how we have such a great time when we are together that time seems to fly by at warp speed, leaving us always wanting more of each other when we have to part. And the biggest positive of all is the fact that Ms. Lawless, considering all of the options available to her, has chosen me to be her boyfriend. As I am fond of telling her repeatedly, I really am one lucky sonofabitch!  Love, Your Shy, Swinging, Friendly Neighborhood SensitivePerv  |
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I must say that as much as I love you, when you return to CO, I will hold out my hand so you can walk into it several times. And no, not with your hiney. Now, repeat after me: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, ppl like me.  Now, stop cursing or you'll sound like Lawless. xoxoxo ~l
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Oh my sweet man...yes, I do have a very full and rich life. And in some sense, if any one part of it were gone it would remain beyond amazing. BUT (and this is a huge BUT), what you and I have adds a sense of rightness and fullness and completeness to a life that I never imagined was possible. The thing I'm never quite sure that you fully absorb is that whatever you get from being with me, I get a thousandfold from being with you. Trust and believe, my love, this is no one-sided love affair. Besides, I have a great big headstart on creating this life for myself. You'll get there, I know it...and I'll be right there cheering you on! Always tell the truth Use kind words Keep your promises Giggle and laugh Be positive Love one another Always be grateful Forgiveness is mandatory Try new things Say please and thank you Say your prayers Smile ~Author unknown
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