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I'm mourning the death of my illusions
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I'm mourning the death of my illusions I know now that my depression as of late is directly related to being alone, missing my parents, lack of sex, the holiday blues, and lack of sleep but more than anything it's about mourning the death of my illusions. ILLUSION #1: My marriage I went into it in love but now I realize that I was not in love with him as much as someone should be when getting married. So, I settled. I believed that I could not do better. I believed I was safe from the demons that haunted me. I believed I was safe from evil people that lurk about. Please read this if you don't know what I am referring to: I39 ve been trying to slay a nasty demon I was right about that, at least. He NEVER let anybody hurt me. He did not know the details as to why I was haunted, I never shared that with him. He just knew I was terrified of a few people and that he should protect me from them. He did a fine job, nothing bad happened. I never wanted children. One day that changed. I would not trade my son for ANYTHING. He is the ONLY person who is 100% true to me and the ONLY person who loves me TOTALLY and UNSELFISHLY. I realize now that I changed my mind about having kids because somewhere deep down I knew I was not happy in the marriage. I thought having a baby would bond us, and it did but in a different way. We bonded together as parents rather than as a couple. Two years ago we tried for a year to have another baby but it didn't happen. I would LOVE to have another child, but I'm glad it didn't happen. Not for those reasons. I'm having regrets about the way my marriage ended. I cheated. I should have been honest but for some reason I took the "easy" way out by being deceitful. I should have been honest and told him I was not happy. I went about it totally wrong, I know that now. I will regret that until I die. I will NEVER make that mistake again. I'm mourning the loss of my "family." I know I'll never have my own family unit ever again. This kills me because it is something I WANT. I liked being married... just not to him. But I liked how it felt, the security of it, knowing that a man LOVED me enuff to marry me. I'll never experience that again and it breaks my heart. I know this because the man I have committed my heart to does not want it. It doesn't matter how badly I want it, that is something BOTH parties have to want with all their heart and he doesn't. Not because he doesn't love me. He has his own reasons. So, I'm mourning the loss of my marriage and my family unit. The illusion that formed into my head as a little girl as to what my marriage and family would be like. And knowing that it was just an illusion. A shattered dream that meant the world to me and will never come true. ILLUSION #2: For risk of putting too much out there, I really can't get too far into this one. What it boils down to is something that I had built WAY up in my head and heart that turned out to be not even close to what I thought. So, I'm trying very hard to deal with this one and it is a much more difficult illusion to mourn then the first one. It's safe to say that depression sucks. But I'm dealing with it. I have suicidal thoughts, I have had them my whole life. But that is something I will NEVER do. My son needs me and I know better than anybody what it's like to loose your mother when you are still young and need her so. I will NEVER put him through that. I'm trying to get through this and understand it all. I have no true friends in real life that I feel comfortable with or trust enough to talk to about certain things. (sorry) That is very difficult. So, it ends up here in my blog. Writing does help, but sometimes I just need a shoulder, an ear and a warm hug.   |
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15/12/2006 16h10 |
We have some things in common. Depression is a mother fucker! I also settled when I got married too, but at least we never had any kids. I've had to deal with the suicidal thoughts too, be grateful you have a child to live for! Peace & a Hug, Pickles Peace, Pickles  
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I hate it when reality hits me and smacks me right in the face. If you ever need an ear to listen.....I'm here for you. Big hugs,  {=}   {=}kisses, hugs, and sweet soft licks{=}
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For me, my illusions were/are based on fantasy. In both cases it comes down to the fact that I had this perfect fantasy neatly constructed in my head. In each case, I thought I was living happily in those fantasies. Reality bit me in the ass one day recently and woke me up to what truly is. So, I'm facing the real truth now. And finding a way to deal with what is. Because I have to move forward, even if it is very slowly.
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Muffy da Brat
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I'll swing on the tire swing for you, My Dear One ... and I'm here when you need and/or want me. ~*~Tidings of Comfort & Joy~*~ *warm hugs* /  This is my blog - [blog _Safira]. There are many like it, but this one is mine. RECOMMENDED READING: A F F The Only Site For Me
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I'm always happy to provide a shoulder, an ear, and a hug. Hang in there. You'll get through. Be strong. *hugs* Come into my realm! You aren't afraid...are you?
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sendng you warm thoughts and a hug, you do need to talk with someone it does help please take care of you and yours *startell
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hang in there, sweetie. im glad you found this outlet to express your feelings. expressing them is a major step. it allows you to identify and quantify them. then, you can begin to deal with them. with, of course, help and advice from your friends. let me tell you this, ive made mistakes too. i have my share of regrets. ive been hurt. and ive hurt others. we all have. sometimes we can repair the damage. sometimes we cant. we must learn from our experiences and move forward. dont beat yourself up for being human. as far as hugs go, is the philadelphia area on your way betweeen upstate nyork and lusby maryland? "well only get through this if we work together. if we dont, none of us will"
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