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Valentine's Day....Pondering My Life as a Single Woman
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Valentine's Day....Pondering My Life as a Single Woman I have nothing more to give you than my heart. - Spanish saying Here is my heart, guard it well. - French saying   I have no significant other this weekend. Some of you are undoubtedly in the same place. Some of you have indicated you are pleased by this, or that this is the place you need to be at. I'm not. I would like a boyfriend. However, life does not always present things as we would wish. This is my reality. I accept it. But, I could not help but consider the situation, and wanted to share my thoughts with you here. To give my affections, for any of us to give our affections - this is risky. As the French saying above says 'guard it well.' I haven't always minded this advice myself. I've let my guard down, and passed the safe-keeping of my heart along to unworthy others. It's been stomped, smashed, squished, spat upon, and verbally abused. I'll go so far as to say it will never be the same. Some things in nature grow stronger when there is a break and following this - a healing. Scar tissue is thicker than regular tissue. I've got scar tissue in my left eye from a laser surgery procedure I had about 10 years ago. My retinal lining was about to detach. If I had not had this procedure, I'd be blind in my left eye today. I'm not sure the heart works like this. My intellect surely does. I've definitely got a much better idea today - after failures and mistakes - as to what I want in a man. I think it's safe to say I have learned a great deal over the past 20 years or so about what comprises a healthy vs an unhealthy relationship. About what I need to make me happy. What I seek in a relationship. I try very hard to take any challenging situation or experience and see it as an opportunity for growth and improvement. So this would be the scar tissue metaphor at work. On the other hand, I also notice I am far less fun and easy going compared to the 26 year old me. 10 years has caused some damage that will never be undone. I remember being much more open to experiences, and to life. I remember having so much more energy and so much more passion about my world. Now I often see the world as a place to escape from. That's a sad reality. I think it's safe to say this has come from having been deeply hurt repeatedly over the years. An animal will learn to cower from the elements. The elements are simply doing as Mother Nature directs. It's all predictable and unavoidable. Part of 'growing up.' Nevertheless, I'd really like to give my heart again. Are there any of you out there who feel passionately that you too would like to give your heart, to the right and worthy person for you? How do you decide who is the right partner for you? Do you have a list? What are your criteria? I'm providing some of mine below. I'll finish up by adding that half a dozen people have said I'm in the wrong place, if this is the kind of man I seek. I refuse to believe this. I know there are passion men who match the below description. As to if they are in my time zone, this appears to be another story. a. Intelligent b. Kind and Moral c. Sensual and Sensitive d. Sexually Dominate e. Financally Stable f. Emotionally Available and Stable - I need a man who can say freely how he feels about me, and express it in word and deed- often g. Cultural/ Well-Traveled/ Open-Minded - Being creative, and interested in travel myself, this is an important area for me h. Single i. Physically Appealing - there has to be that spark, right? j. Embracing Me as an Artist/Writer/Creative Woman So, now you know why I'm single! (Sigh)      |
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We will have to agree to disagree. I think a real love, any love, first last, young old - involves 100%. Always. MT
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My perspective on the world is perhaps best chacterized as prismatic. When I wrote this I felt a bit depressed. Things change, I'm a complex chick. Changability seems to be part of the package deal. Today I feel pretty spiffy. But I'll always be a misanthrope to a degree, and I'm at peace with that. I am no fan of any professional sports francise whatsoever. I grew up till 11 in the Detroit area - so, like many transplants, I do not dance to the beat of the Red Sox Nation drum. MT PS I am glad you're here too.   FG "I used to be a tool. Now, thanks to passion, I'm the whole shed!!!" The Frozengoat Primer, or the Cliff Notes version of frozengoat : Why do I blog This is why I'm here, plain and simple. The end is nigh The beginning of my chronicling the end of this phase of my life. The joys of cunnilingus If you want to know what I enjoy the most sexually, this is it! Charting the course A part of my journey of self-discovery.   Spring Carnival HJT Style-tagline courtesy of buxombbw4u thanks Buxie!!
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I agree that to open our hearts and give of ourselves is risky. None of us wish to be hurt, so we either hide our hearts from the world or try to control the outcomes. Neither option works, they just lead to more suffering and lonliness. We are feeling creatures, and we need to open our hearts to the possibilities around us if we are ever going to feel happy and content. I have spent many years looking for the match to my heart, hoping that the woman I was with would eventually understand my needs and embrace my true self. Unfortunately, this didn't happen, and I have wanted to blame her profusely for my broken heart and wasted life. But I've realized that I can't blame her, for it's my fault. I tried to impose my will on her and our relationship, so to speak. I wanted her to love me the way I wanted to be loved, and that's unrealistic. By trying to control my world, I could protect myself and ensure the safety of my heart. Alas, it was not meant to be, and I find myself lost and adrift in my middle age with no anchors to keep me grounded and feeling safe. I'm saddened by your perspective on the world, as a place to escape from. I submit to you that this doesn't have to be. The happiness and joy that we seek is waiting for us out there, as long as we are open and ready to experience it. If we become hurt in the process, it's not the universe's fault, but our own. It's not our fault that we opened ourselves, but that we choose to feel hurt and remain hurt. It has taken me many years to understand these things, and to truly attempt to incorporate this attitude in my life. It is so easy to fall into despair and become hard and jaded. It's a comfortable place to be, even though that sounds perverse, we know this to be true. The only true control I have over my life are my choices, and today I can choose to be open and loving and free of hurt or guilt or bitterness or shame. As for lists, mine is fairly simple: I want someone that can stimulate my mind, my heart, and my body. This doesn't imply that I don't have certain standards, because I do. However, I want to keep myself open to the possibilites that are out there, and enjoy the moment. I am glad that I found your blog, as I am always on the search for someone who is willing to share their thoughts in such a creative and intelligent manner. I crave intellectual stimulation, and even though I may be crazy to expect to find it here on passion (as per some people's opinions), I have high hopes and expectations that I will find what I'm seeking. Thanks for letting me post, and I extend an invitation to read my blog if you are interested. ((P.S. - I don't even care if you are a Patriots or Red Sox fan, nobody's perfect!!)) I am no fan of any professional sports francise whatsoever. I grew up till 11 in the Detroit area - so, like many transplants, I do not dance to the beat of the Red Sox Nation drum. MT PS I am glad you're here too.
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I agree that to open our hearts and give of ourselves is risky. None of us wish to be hurt, so we either hide our hearts from the world or try to control the outcomes. Neither option works, they just lead to more suffering and lonliness. We are feeling creatures, and we need to open our hearts to the possibilities around us if we are ever going to feel happy and content. I have spent many years looking for the match to my heart, hoping that the woman I was with would eventually understand my needs and embrace my true self. Unfortunately, this didn't happen, and I have wanted to blame her profusely for my broken heart and wasted life. But I've realized that I can't blame her, for it's my fault. I tried to impose my will on her and our relationship, so to speak. I wanted her to love me the way I wanted to be loved, and that's unrealistic. By trying to control my world, I could protect myself and ensure the safety of my heart. Alas, it was not meant to be, and I find myself lost and adrift in my middle age with no anchors to keep me grounded and feeling safe. I'm saddened by your perspective on the world, as a place to escape from. I submit to you that this doesn't have to be. The happiness and joy that we seek is waiting for us out there, as long as we are open and ready to experience it. If we become hurt in the process, it's not the universe's fault, but our own. It's not our fault that we opened ourselves, but that we choose to feel hurt and remain hurt. It has taken me many years to understand these things, and to truly attempt to incorporate this attitude in my life. It is so easy to fall into despair and become hard and jaded. It's a comfortable place to be, even though that sounds perverse, we know this to be true. The only true control I have over my life are my choices, and today I can choose to be open and loving and free of hurt or guilt or bitterness or shame. As for lists, mine is fairly simple: I want someone that can stimulate my mind, my heart, and my body. This doesn't imply that I don't have certain standards, because I do. However, I want to keep myself open to the possibilites that are out there, and enjoy the moment. I am glad that I found your blog, as I am always on the search for someone who is willing to share their thoughts in such a creative and intelligent manner. I crave intellectual stimulation, and even though I may be crazy to expect to find it here on passion (as per some people's opinions), I have high hopes and expectations that I will find what I'm seeking. Thanks for letting me post, and I extend an invitation to read my blog if you are interested. ((P.S. - I don't even care if you are a Patriots or Red Sox fan, nobody's perfect!!)) FG "I used to be a tool. Now, thanks to passion, I'm the whole shed!!!" The Frozengoat Primer, or the Cliff Notes version of frozengoat : Why do I blog This is why I'm here, plain and simple. The end is nigh The beginning of my chronicling the end of this phase of my life. The joys of cunnilingus If you want to know what I enjoy the most sexually, this is it! Charting the course A part of my journey of self-discovery. Spring Carnival HJT Style-tagline courtesy of buxombbw4u thanks Buxie!!
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Thinking too much is the greatest impediment (sp?) to finding love.  MT PS nice new profile picture...speaking of thoughts...naughty ones 
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21/2/2011 2h56 |
Thinking too much is the greatest impediment (sp?) to finding love.
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i LIKED YOUR BLOG better when you used to post naked pic's of yourself!!!! cOULD You go back and do that again!!!! I remember that time you posted that pic of you with anal beads in your ass and a munkey vib in your naughty place!!!! MT
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Hey Lips! How are things? So glad to see you here. It's no surprise to me that you and I have a similar (dare I say the same?) gestalt. So yes, 'same sense of humor' is a great addition. Likewise, I might just consider updating that to sexually voracious. Except - I keep confusing men into thinking I am a domme, and I get all these ...submissive men...prowling about. More power to em (um, wait, that makes *no* sense) but a really submissive man is a turn-off for me. I enjoyed your recent post and in particular the imagery. I always get a bit jealous of the folks with the fancy graphic design software. One day...perhaps. Love, MT
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20/2/2011 8h05 |
i LIKED YOUR BLOG better when you used to post naked pic's of yourself!!!! cOULD You go back and do that again!!!! I remember that time you posted that pic of you with anal beads in your ass and a munkey vib in your naughty place!!!! Dice has felt the need to improve your boring blog!!!!!!
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Aw..that's really sweet, MT, and I really do try to do that. With you it's not so difficult, because you do everything with a sense of purpose, so you make it easy to pay attention.
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Quote:Are there any of you out there who feel passionately that you too would like to give your heart, to the right and worthy person for you? How do you decide who is the right partner for you? Do you have a list? What are your criteria? I'm providing some of mine below. I'll finish up by adding that half a dozen people have said I'm in the wrong place, if this is the kind of man I seek. I refuse to believe this. I know there are passion men who match the below description. As to if they are in my time zone, this appears to be another story. a. Intelligent b. Kind and Moral c. Sensual and Sensitive d. Sexually Dominate e. Financally Stable f. Emotionally Available and Stable - I need a man who can say freely how he feels about me, and express it in word and deed- often g. Cultural/ Well-Traveled/ Open-Minded - Being creative, and interested in travel myself, this is an important area for me h. Single i. Physically Appealing - there has to be that spark, right? j. Embracing Me as an Artist/Writer/Creative Woman So, now you know why I'm single! (Sigh) You know, I haven't been to your blog in a while... the irony I find in visiting today is the fact that the day before the 14th, of all the things I am dealing with that requires my time and attention, I found myself wondering about MT and how she would be spending her valentine's day. There you go, someone is thinking about you.  From how I understand life, the place you are in right now is the right place for you to be in, because that's where you have to be to do what you need to do in order to get where you have go. - does that make any sense? hahaha! I was reluctant to open my emotions - heart - this last time for the relationship I'm in because of the possible pain. I dove in with the same metaphor you used with the scar tissue, knowing only that if it doesn't kill me, it will only make me stronger. It also let's me know that I'm doing my best. I'm here now, I' dealing with someone who just wants to run away from her emotions, kids who need more love and attention and a complete financial disaster to take care of. I guess you get what you ask for! lol! I'm sharing this bit of info here only because I have never felt more at peace, nor ever stronger in my outlook on the future, even though the life I have been living for and building, is a train wreck. hahahaha. Basically, what I'm saying to you, is that it was more than worth it - is more than worth it - to give my heart. I feel better, stronger and faster as a result. I know more about my heart now than I eve did and more importantly how to share it properly. Can't really wait to give my heart to the next worthy person,and it has to be a worthy person because I think my love would crush any normal human.  I don't have a list of criteria right now, as the one I have been using in the process of being shredded. (laughing out loud! no, really, I'm giggling to myself) I'll just have to make another one. Your's looks like a pretty good one to use. So, how did I spend my Valentine's Day? Mainly working. It was Monday! Thank you always for your insightful and kind remarks, SOOOOHORNY. (It's fun typing your name) MT M
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16/2/2011 19h59 |
Quote:Are there any of you out there who feel passionately that you too would like to give your heart, to the right and worthy person for you? How do you decide who is the right partner for you? Do you have a list? What are your criteria? I'm providing some of mine below. I'll finish up by adding that half a dozen people have said I'm in the wrong place, if this is the kind of man I seek. I refuse to believe this. I know there are passion men who match the below description. As to if they are in my time zone, this appears to be another story. a. Intelligent b. Kind and Moral c. Sensual and Sensitive d. Sexually Dominate e. Financally Stable f. Emotionally Available and Stable - I need a man who can say freely how he feels about me, and express it in word and deed- often g. Cultural/ Well-Traveled/ Open-Minded - Being creative, and interested in travel myself, this is an important area for me h. Single i. Physically Appealing - there has to be that spark, right? j. Embracing Me as an Artist/Writer/Creative Woman So, now you know why I'm single! (Sigh) You know, I haven't been to your blog in a while... the irony I find in visiting today is the fact that the day before the 14th, of all the things I am dealing with that requires my time and attention, I found myself wondering about MT and how she would be spending her valentine's day. There you go, someone is thinking about you. From how I understand life, the place you are in right now is the right place for you to be in, because that's where you have to be to do what you need to do in order to get where you have go. - does that make any sense? hahaha! I was reluctant to open my emotions - heart - this last time for the relationship I'm in because of the possible pain. I dove in with the same metaphor you used with the scar tissue, knowing only that if it doesn't kill me, it will only make me stronger. It also let's me know that I'm doing my best. I'm here now, I' dealing with someone who just wants to run away from her emotions, kids who need more love and attention and a complete financial disaster to take care of. I guess you get what you ask for! lol! I'm sharing this bit of info here only because I have never felt more at peace, nor ever stronger in my outlook on the future, even though the life I have been living for and building, is a train wreck. hahahaha. Basically, what I'm saying to you, is that it was more than worth it - is more than worth it - to give my heart. I feel better, stronger and faster as a result. I know more about my heart now than I eve did and more importantly how to share it properly. Can't really wait to give my heart to the next worthy person,and it has to be a worthy person because I think my love would crush any normal human. I don't have a list of criteria right now, as the one I have been using in the process of being shredded. (laughing out loud! no, really, I'm giggling to myself) I'll just have to make another one. Your's looks like a pretty good one to use. [post 2856614] This is the really small writing... in bold how 'bout RAINBOW colors?
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Your list essentially is one that every woman deserves, and it's very attainable, even if no single man man may possess it all in a single package, or those who do are quite rare. But, the fact is, this website mirrors real life in so many ways, and as a result, if such a man is that hard to find here, probably so is he in the outside world as well. Keeping an open mind is always the key to the best results, and I believe that you being here, and so integral to the functionality of it all, illustrates a sense of open-mindedness that promotes positive results. You may not get it all in one package right away, but the site definitely makes the search a bit more fun then the outside world, I think. Thank you!!!  MT
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When I was 29 I was deeply in love and thought I had met the man I would marry and spend my life with. A few years later I grew to fully accept and understand that we were not of an equal mindset or level of intensity in our feelings. I was 'in love,' and he loved me. Loved me loving him. Loved fucking me, to be sure. Loved me, in his way. When I was 35 we broke it off entirely after I finally realized not only was I accepting less than I deserved, but that I had been walking around as a ghost of my former self, working very hard to meet his needs and having few of mine met. Total disparency. Not ok. One of the reasons I wrote this post was because I have found myself drawn recently to a man who also has baggage. It awakened in me a profound acceptance of the fact that ALL of us will reach that stage in our interpersonal development. It comes with experience and age. To expect anyone to be waiting in the wings, a blank slate, is so unrealistic. The questions I ask men now when I am getting to know them will therefore include my attempts at cyphoning out their personal history and past relationships, so as to understand how it is they are single. If they are single. Single is good. Some so-called single men here are not single. Liars are bad. It's not as easy as it sounds. Thanks for your two-cents worth (which are worth far more than two cents.) MT Baggage. You know, I've said this before, but I LOVE reading your writing. You really hit the nail on the head here - to expect someone to be without baggage, to set that up as a fantasy you feed, isn't just setting yourself up for failure (as you said), it's in the end less interesting and meaningful, to me. The paths through the complicated and distinctly personal, unique psyches of my partners has been partly where the intimacy shows its head most. And I think it's a sign of necessary emotional intelligence (on MY list) to be able to meaningfully speak to your own karmic origins (baggage). Doesn't mean you always act that way, but knowing your triggers at least somewhat puts you on the same side of the maturity line as where I look for partners. And yes, liars are bad. But you know, I've dated and known enough people, even as young as I am, to know that not everyone is capable of knowing, let alone telling the truth to themselves, (double) let alone someone else they have complicated and full feeling for. I like you. I wish you well. I know too many great folks for them all to be single, I often feel. Happy singles appreciation day. "The greatest worth is self-mastery ..quality is seeking to serve others ..precept is continual awareness ..medicine is the emptiness of all ..action is not conforming with the world ..magic is transmuting passions ..wisdom is seeing deeply"
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A yummy post in all respects. I like the discussion it inspired and would like to just add a few thoughts, though I want to write volumes and hug you. A list is always a good place to start, MT. But I'm reminded of Lou Kahn's advice to architects who are about to design a building: "Read the program, then throw it out." As for becoming cynical, I feel for you and sympathize so much. I'm not pulling rank here, and I hope this does not come off as preachy or condescending, but I'm finding that, at 50, my level of guardedness is cyclical. My heart has been broken many times - mostly by death, but by lost love too - and I retreat after each one and take stock. Sometimes it has taken years, but in those times I felt very much as you describe - that I was forever changed. You said you've had losses over the last ten years and I understand the effort to "place" them within a structure of meaning for your life. Everybody's different here, but after each major loss might you give yourself more time to absorb it? What I mean to say is, go easy on yourself - you WILL be able to dance, laugh, and be open again like that 26 year old, only this time it will be sweeter than before because, unlike that young woman, you will really know what it's worth for having been through alot. Besides, the sex just keeps getting better! But thank you. MT
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I'm definitely not the woman I was at 26 or 36 or 46 or . . . and boy have I got baggage . . . And when I'm feeling optimistic there is a part of me that likes this me better than the 26 year old me. The 26 year old nb was fun and open and skinny (gosh I miss that part) but I don't know if there was a lot of depth to her. The old -- and hopefully-pray-god -- wiser nb -- is well, wiser and more kind and understanding. So while I've lost the enthusiasm and wide open heart -- I can offer different things like a deep and thoughtful heart. The weird thing is -- I don't know what I want at this stage in my life. I know what I don't want and that list would commandeer your post. I think you can find someone here. I don't think this place is all that different than the other places -- maybe a little more pervy and weird at times but I think I'd rather know that than be surprised by it. I hope you find someone here. Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way - nb MT
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Your list essentially is one that every woman deserves, and it's very attainable, even if no single man man may possess it all in a single package, or those who do are quite rare. But, the fact is, this website mirrors real life in so many ways, and as a result, if such a man is that hard to find here, probably so is he in the outside world as well. Keeping an open mind is always the key to the best results, and I believe that you being here, and so integral to the functionality of it all, illustrates a sense of open-mindedness that promotes positive results. You may not get it all in one package right away, but the site definitely makes the search a bit more fun then the outside world, I think. But, I preserve! MT
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Your list essentially is one that every woman deserves, and it's very attainable, even if no single man man may possess it all in a single package, or those who do are quite rare. But, the fact is, this website mirrors real life in so many ways, and as a result, if such a man is that hard to find here, probably so is he in the outside world as well. Keeping an open mind is always the key to the best results, and I believe that you being here, and so integral to the functionality of it all, illustrates a sense of open-mindedness that promotes positive results. You may not get it all in one package right away, but the site definitely makes the search a bit more fun then the outside world, I think.
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14/2/2011 10h29 |
A yummy post in all respects. I like the discussion it inspired and would like to just add a few thoughts, though I want to write volumes and hug you. A list is always a good place to start, MT. But I'm reminded of Lou Kahn's advice to architects who are about to design a building: "Read the program, then throw it out." As for becoming cynical, I feel for you and sympathize so much. I'm not pulling rank here, and I hope this does not come off as preachy or condescending, but I'm finding that, at 50, my level of guardedness is cyclical. My heart has been broken many times - mostly by death, but by lost love too - and I retreat after each one and take stock. Sometimes it has taken years, but in those times I felt very much as you describe - that I was forever changed. You said you've had losses over the last ten years and I understand the effort to "place" them within a structure of meaning for your life. Everybody's different here, but after each major loss might you give yourself more time to absorb it? What I mean to say is, go easy on yourself - you WILL be able to dance, laugh, and be open again like that 26 year old, only this time it will be sweeter than before because, unlike that young woman, you will really know what it's worth for having been through alot. Besides, the sex just keeps getting better!
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14/2/2011 8h34 |
You are interesting to me. That's probably something else that belongs on my list. Intellectually and emotionally interesting. Stimulating. Both revealing and shy. Why? I suppose I'm saying - please send me an e-mail with more of a facts-based approach. A real picture or two. You know, standard stuff? MT
 It's never the same thing twice... [post 2477869] [post 2800527] Current series: [post 2910971]  
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I have a poem about Cupid and Psyche. In my poem, he's a bit of an asshole. Whereas, your well-wishes are sweet and well-taken. Maybe you're my cupid. I promise I won't make you wear a diaper. MT
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As to your thought that you are less easy going and open than you once were.I have experienced the same and 8 yrs more besides,and couldn't agree more.The older I get the more cynical I become and the more I realize how bad the cynicism is for me.If I had to make a list it would shock the hell out of my 20 or 30 yr old self,it would lean so much more towards the compatability of personalities and so much less towards the physical.BTW I love your dessert recipes,even though I have always leaned towards the entree recipe I do love having a good dessert as long as I don't have to make it. MT
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I'm definitely not the woman I was at 26 or 36 or 46 or . . . and boy have I got baggage . . . And when I'm feeling optimistic there is a part of me that likes this me better than the 26 year old me. The 26 year old nb was fun and open and skinny (gosh I miss that part) but I don't know if there was a lot of depth to her. The old -- and hopefully-pray-god -- wiser nb -- is well, wiser and more kind and understanding. So while I've lost the enthusiasm and wide open heart -- I can offer different things like a deep and thoughtful heart. The weird thing is -- I don't know what I want at this stage in my life. I know what I don't want and that list would commandeer your post. I think you can find someone here. I don't think this place is all that different than the other places -- maybe a little more pervy and weird at times but I think I'd rather know that than be surprised by it. I hope you find someone here. Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way - nb I can accept certain disperancies. Others make me sad. For example - I was just saying recently to a friend I envy him his family. I do. I love children. But I'm very certain I would not want to be a single mother nor necessarily to give birth. I've thought for years I'd rather adopt, or help someone raise their children from a previous relationship. I just don't want to be preganant, but I do want to be part of a child/children's upbringing. I suppose (eh a cake metaphor!!! eak!!!) having my cake and eating it too. MT
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Hmmmm.... I have been told a few telling remarks about how I taste, and the flavor of who I am, over the years. Keep in mind I use honey dusting powder and edible massage oil on a fully waxed pussy before any given date. Strawberry kiwi or creme brulee. Chocolate mint also available. Or sometimes I'll use cinnamon oil such as one uses in baking. But...what I think you meant was... In a richer, fuller, metaphoric, complex sort of way, I'm crisp boston bibb lettuce, vine ripened tomatoes, extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar dressing, sea salt, slivers of very sweet carrot, pine nuts, small dollops of goat cheese, and bits of very crisp bacon. Following this, I'm a small bowl of lobster crab bisque with a shaving of chive for garnish. I'm a glass of really acidic yet peachy white wine, served with a lemon rosemary chicken breast with really crisp skin, some wild mushroom risotto, and a bit of butternut squash puree. Then, I'm a cup of espresso and a slice of that tart cherry pie you referred me to. With a small scoop of very tangy greek yogurt ice cream. Yes. That's me.
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Who you would trust your heart to? Its a question that used to keep me awake for endless hours once. From which I drew two conclusions that let me slumber once again. I must confess to having a distain of lists, I understand they serve a purpose, yet regrettably I have been subject to the power of which they oft possess. As for morals. Dear sweet morals... Peace & Cookies MT
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