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Whatever.....FUCK IT ALL!
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Whatever.....FUCK IT ALL! So the more I blog.....the more I learn not to plan shit. At least if I do I probably shouldn't write about it cause I just end up looking like a total douche when the plans fall through. Which if I'm keeping score I'm totally getting my ass kicked right now because not ONE FUCKING THING "I've planned" has actually happened yet. For those of you that read me on a regular basis, you know I got some news last week that pretty much got moved to the top of my priority list. Even though I haven't had sex for 8 fucking months. This IS a much bigger priority.....nothing will ever come before family. If you missed it and want to know what I'm talking about....here you go Fuck the Bette had surgery Friday to remove the mass, they also had to take 1 1/2 feet of small intestine as it was the blood supply to the mass. And the walls had "thickened"??. The surgeon believes it is lymphoma or a carcinoind. Apparently if we have to "choose" one we are hoping for lymphoma. Personally I'm trying to be in denial over the whole fucking thing right now. We will find out for sure tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest. I've been surrounded by his (my husbands) family for the last 10 years, they have literally become my family too. His sister has been my best friend and the sister I never had. His brother has been my brother as well. His Mom and step Mom were more of a mom to me than my own mother ever thought of being. Many times through Danny's addiction every person on "his" side of the family took my side....telling me to leave him. They have ALWAYS had my back. Last year Danny was so proud of me, watching me help take care of his step mom Pam when she was dying. I did things for her that I never thought I could do for another human being (an adult anyway) But what I did, I did out of love for "my family"....I was the "strong" one. Because of my love for Pam, love for Danny, his Dad, his sister (an RN), his brother, our kids and our nieces and nephews. I kept everything inside so I could be there for everyone else. Pam was the first person I ever witnessed die....I was holding her hand. It is a bittersweet memory I'm so glad I was there with her because in my heart I believe she knows....and it mattered. Death is such an intimate thing, I don't believe anyone should ever have to go through it alone. Yes there were others there too but I was the one representing "my family". Then 3 1/2 months after Pam died....Danny died. I made it for over a month, I made it through Christmas and our 12th wedding anniversary (New Years Eve) Looking back now I believe it was all denial....and trying to be the "strong one" again. But then I realized my strength was/is gone. Even though I have the two most wonderful kids in the world....that love me and need me. I gave up on life. My kids "left me" over a month ago and moved in with in laws because they couldn't deal with my depression anymore. I literally did not get off my couch for the first 6 months. I just didn't care anymore....it wasn't supposed to be this way??? What about karma....and doing the right thing??? What about "faith, hope and love....1 Corinthians 13:13. I BELIEVED IN THAT SHIT!!" . I stayed with him because I believed in him....I had faith in our commitment, hope for our future....and I loved him enough to endure ALL THE FUCKING PAIN. BECAUSE SOMEDAY IT WOULD BE BETTER.....SOMEDAY IT WOULD BE RIGHT....SOMEDAY WE WOULD HAVE OUR "HAPPILY EVER AFTER". FUCK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! My daughter is 16 and my son is 14 but I was so wrapped up in my own pain and ANGER that I wasn't there for them when they needed me the most. I didn't just loose my husband....but my entire family?? Now I am taking steps to rebuild that (Since June 14th) I'm in intensive outpatient therapy for depression. It was M-F 9am to 2pm, as of last week I'm down to 3 days a week T-Th. But mother fucker I CAN NOT be the strong one this time!!! My sister in law is devistated....my best fucking friend. My kids are scared to death. I've been at the hospital every fucking day since last Wednesday because I know that is what Danny would've wanted me to do. I know he would've wanted me to take care of his mom like I did his step-mom. But I'm just spent.....I can't even take care of me or our kids??? I don't have anything left to GIVE. I've been giving far too long and I just don't have anymore left???? And I hate myself for it?? So for all of you that talk about "karma" etc......FUCK YOU!!! FUCK KARMA!!! FUCK IT ALL!!!! "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program |
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Yeow! Hold on a sec while I Q-tip the blood from my ears, here... Ok,... better. Whew. Yes, Subs, you have had a full plate... and it's full of shit. My 2 sizes too small heart goes out to you. No one is Superman. Well, except Superman. And even he gets overwhelmed and all mopey and depressed and 'why do I gotta save the world all the time' and shit. Did you see "Superman Returns"? Shoulda been titled "Superman Calls Dr Phil".  The family cannot expect you to jump in and do all the caring again this time. But if you do so automatically, they will certainly step back and let you. So don't act reflexively. You are no good to anyone if you are not together yourself. Don't look at the big picture. Just take one small puzzle piece at a time. A recent quote thrown at me (re; my own emotional turmoils) makes sense: Inch by inch, life is a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard.  Yeah, kinda all chicken soupy for the soul and shit. But it's all I got. What you really need is a good hard screw, or three. I got plenty of that. Fuck Dr Phil, call me. 
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I don't know what to say; life has dealt you a lot. Here's hoping your depression can be controlled.
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Yeah! What Soggy said! 
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Yeow! Hold on a sec while I Q-tip the blood from my ears, here... Ok,... better. Whew. Yes, Subs, you have had a full plate... and it's full of shit. My 2 sizes too small heart goes out to you. No one is Superman. Well, except Superman. And even he gets overwhelmed and all mopey and depressed and 'why do I gotta save the world all the time' and shit. Did you see "Superman Returns"? Shoulda been titled "Superman Calls Dr Phil". The family cannot expect you to jump in and do all the caring again this time. But if you do so automatically, they will certainly step back and let you. So don't act reflexively. You are no good to anyone if you are not together yourself. Don't look at the big picture. Just take one small puzzle piece at a time. A recent quote thrown at me (re; my own emotional turmoils) makes sense: Inch by inch, life is a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard. :> Yeah, kinda all chicken soupy for the soul and shit. But it's all I got. What you really need is a good hard screw, or three. I got plenty of that. Fuck Dr Phil, call me. Well thank you and I seriously doubt your heart is 2 sizes too small...if it was you wouldn't have commented at all!  I love chicken soup!!! And I totally love screws....especially if a good driver is involved.  Be careful volunteering for that shit with me, I might have to take you up on that offer.  "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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I don't know what to say; life has dealt you a lot. Here's hoping your depression can be controlled.  It is getting much better....Thank you and thanks for stopping by. "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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Oh HELL YEAH.....I am SOOOO IN!!!!! Fuck it! I've pretty much already accepted pending incineration anyway!! Thanks me too! "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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Soggy, I am so available....thank you!! You are very right about everything and you did not at all sound preachy! Thanks so much!  "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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Thank you so much, You are right my children should be my first priority before anyone else and that is what Danny would have wanted. I never thought of the guilt in that way but you are right, love and support are much better! Thanks so much for the great feedback and thanks for stopping by! "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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I agree and I will....thanks again! "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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Annie You are such a doll!  It doesn't matter what I write about, you always make me feel like I'm NOT a freak...and I'm NOT alone. You are right about having to be selfish first. Atleast now I'm doing it in a positive way and eventually I'll be able to give them that much more. Thanks as always! "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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