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| Blogs > want2sub4 > To be perfectly blunt...... |
Could I be a bigger mess?
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Could I be a bigger mess? I have a program I use for almost everything. Originally I started using it for blogging but it has since become my virtual memory. It is called 'evernote'. The user can create an endless amount of notebooks within the program, with an endless amount of files within each notebook. I obviously recommend it but the reason I bring it up is to tell you about one of my notebooks. The notebook title is 'blog - ideas', it currently contains 114 files including this one. If I actually finish and post this, it will be moved to my 'blog - posted' notebook. I have many reasons to bring up that notebook. I'll try not to make this another novel and be as brief as possible. I am sooo NOT a writer. This shit is hard for me. Mostly because actually expressing (admitting) feelings are so hard for me. Not too mention the fact that my thoughts are so fragmented. Everything I write, no matter the topic takes hours to finish. Many of the files in my 'ideas' notebook are just a few sentences long. Some are much longer but because of the way I write it is scattered. I write anything and everything that comes to mind at the moment. Perfect example of my fragmented thoughts/writing process from one of my 'notes' (keep in mind these are all "as is" and very UNFINISHED: --------------------------------------------------------------------- Am I in the twilight zone or is all this stupid just starting to rub off on me? 10/5/2010 5:05pm Patience is a virtue. Wow....I'm am starting to think the universe is just tempting me to go postal? I don't know what the deal is Are people just fucking with me lately to see You ever feel like someone/something is just fucking with you? I'm there right now Considering this is a sleazy sex site, like many I'm not expecting to find a plethora Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. A virtue is a trait or quality deemed to be morally excellent and thus is valued as a foundation of principle and good moral being. Personal virtues are characteristics valued as promoting individual and collective well being. The opposite of virtue is vice. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- That is seriously how most of my posts start. It's like a fucking puzzle. It is work even for me to figure out wtf I'm trying to say. Not to mention I've had A LOT of shit going on the last month. The following is the last post I attempted to write....and is unfinished. (Shit has gotten WAY worse since then!?!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think I'm done?? Feb 8, 2011 11:56am I haven't decided yet on what/how much I'm done with. With the site totally? Blogging? Life, or hope of ever having a real one? I don't fucking know.....I just know somethings gotta give. On the spectrum of: Broken/lost/numb~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alive/happy/hopeful I'm so far out in left field right now, I'm not sure a gps could find my fat ass. I've made so many friends here that have tried reaching out to me and I keep pushing them away?? (You know who you are ..... K, G, P, B, & T....I really do appreciate and am thankful for you all!) Wtf is wrong with me?? Why would I do that?? Why am I turning away when I need people the most? Even from those that love me. Hell my head is so fucked up right now I can't even accept the fact that people do actually love me....because OMFG.....what is wrong with THEM!?! I have this wall up, it protects me ya know? It's my cast-iron bitch personae, which btw is NOT just limited to afff. (Which I guess is why I have claimed that I'm 'real' here. But it turns out I'm not, I'm just fake EVERYFUCKINGWHERE) It is with me everywhere, 24/7. If I don't let anyone in....I can't get hurt. But fuck me all to hell if I didn't let people in. I guess that is what I was REALLY trying to say in: I can39t be real anymorecan I. I can't spill my guts here, get to know people and then be surprised to see people on my side of the wall. NG told me not long after we first started talking "You try so hard to come off as crass decorated with rough edges, but you have such a soft warm center under that." WTF??? No one is supposed to see that!!! I put so much of myself into this thing.....so much of my life and what I've been through. These 'stories' are what made me who I am. (Thankfully I am creative enough to add some fucking humor to it, which for the record is what totally killed the sponsorship deal I had lined up with Prozac) Because of the shit I've been through in my life. Always having to prove myself and never being enough for anyone....from birth. I have no self confidence or self esteem. Rejection fucking terrifies me. My therapist says I have abandonment issues. Ya fuckin think???? I have a pattern of pushing people away before I can get hurt. Self sabotage?? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was already going through all of that and then there was Busty's awards. NEWSFLASH Waitwut At first it was cool to be nominated, especially in so many different categories... 7 or 8 I think? Then the more I thought about it, the more it freaked me out. Even though really only ONE category I was nominated for meant something to me, and I WANTED to win. That was the 'best stories' category. To me that was the ultimate validation. Even though I started writing for me, it meant so much to know that something good could come out of my stories (aka my pain....my life). Unfortunately Busty forgot to include me in that one for voting. All the other nominations, including best female blog ...are in my opinion just so unfounded I can't even comprehend them. It made me feel like people had expectations now. I know I don't post regularly but I'm not going to post....just to post. I write when I NEED to....IF I have something to say. I'm not knocking anyone that does otherwise. But this is MY blog and that is how I do things. Ok enough of that.... here is the cliff notes version of why I have been nothing more then a troll this month. For the record, it is really hard to be motivated to spend the time it takes me.....to write about fucking depressing shit. But here is the rest of the story........well believe it or not PART of the rest of the story. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was already seriously feeling like I was gonna lose it (thus 'I think I'm done' ) then: My 14 yr old son broke his collarbone wrestling, had to have surgery and have a metal plate and six screws put in. Everything start to finish ended up taking more than twice as long as planned. He went in at 7:30 am I didn't get to see him until after 12pm. For a surgery that was scheduled 1 hour and 20 mins. I spent the whole time scared and pissed off at Danny for making me go through that alone. Then I really freaked out when I found out they hadn't been able to get his pain under control. They had been giving him 1mg of morphine every FIVE FUCKING MINUTES on TOP of the fentanyl....the same thing that killed Danny. I actually had to leave the recovery room to pull myself together.... Then I find out from my mom's (not one of my favorite people btw) doctor (psychiatrist) that she was suicidal and had a loaded gun in her apartment....which happens to be located in the basement of my house. The same house my fucking husband died in. And this doctor wants ME to confiscate the gun.....fucking seriously??? It would have been her or me....no joke. Thankfully I have family in law enforcement and they came and got it before I could use it on her....or me....in front of her. Because yes I really hate her that much. Then my sis in law tries to set me up with a friend of hers. Nice guy really, actually bought/financed her business for her. He's been married for like 20ish yrs and unhappy for almost all them. He won't leave her because he has money and doesn't want her to get half his shit. He actually propositioned me. Long term....idk, short term we were both so drunk I still didn't get laid. (According to my sis in law, it was not for lack of trying.) I do remember calling her the next day and asking if I really had my pants off in the back seat of her car. As the designated driver, she was able to confirm I in fact did. On the bright side, after 5 months of celibacy it REALLY would've pissed me off to find out I actually had sex and just didn't remember it.  And the grand finale....my mother in law Bette (I wrote about her last July WhateverFUCK IT ALL ) Her cancer is back and is inoperable this time. Same oncologist as Danny's step mom Pam had....he gave her 18 months and she was dead in 6. Two women that have been more of a mom to me then mine ever thought of being dead/dying not wanting too. And my selfish ass mom.....KNOWING how much I've been through wants to add too it because I don't pay enough attention to her. Because it is ALWAYS about her.........FUCKING ALWAYS. Oh and I've lost over 10% of my blog followers, probably because I haven't posted anything since the beginning of the month. I think I need some bling that says please kick me while I'm down. At least then I would feel like there was a reason..... "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program |
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♥♥ and ~~hugs~~ Now answer the damn text ~! ~ [blog kelidgh]~ I am, indeed 
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You've been through a lot! Don't worry about anyone here and take care of yourself! You know we're here for you when you want us to be  xoxoxox ***
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My posts always start fragmented. I have severe ADD, I can't focus on anything for too long. Doesn't matter. They're your thoughts and your blog K, do whatever you feel is right for you. Hugs 
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"I'll try not to make this another novel and be as brief as possible." FAIL. Ok,... now that I got that outta my system, Here's a little pic I been saving for my own use one day. But I offer it to you, my friend, my comrade in arms (in the battle of wits), a truly rare and special woman. Yes, you are! So fucking believe it! [image]
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Understand, I am not making light of your plight(s). Just something I hope will make you smile bittersweetly and go "awww". Me love you long time. 
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♥♥ and ~~hugs~~ Now answer the damn text ~! "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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You've been through a lot! Don't worry about anyone here and take care of yourself! You know we're here for you when you want us to be xoxoxox "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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My posts always start fragmented. I have severe ADD, I can't focus on anything for too long. Doesn't matter. They're your thoughts and your blog K, do whatever you feel is right for you. Hugs "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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"I'll try not to make this another novel and be as brief as possible." FAIL. Ok,... now that I got that outta my system, Here's a little pic I been saving for my own use one day. But I offer it to you, my friend, my comrade in arms (in the battle of wits), a truly rare and special woman. Yes, you are! So fucking believe it! [image]  LOVE the pic, thank you So you keep telling me....I should be brainwashed by now. Just keep cramming it down my throat, I'll get it eventually.  "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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Understand, I am not making light of your plight(s). Just something I hope will make you smile bittersweetly and go "awww". Me love you long time.  Ditto "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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Holy fuck!!! Hang in there. Surely shit storms such as that don't last forever. All are welcome to an audience with The Magnificent One oldirtybacchus
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Sweetie..Take one day at a time..and take care of you.. What Gag Reflex? I am A Cum Guzzler!   
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5/3/2011 6h14 |
Being new readers to your blog sorry your down we enjoy it, myself I understand the fucked up half thoughts, I have epilepsy and the neurologist tells me its in the memory portion of my brain, so lucky fucking me its like early dementia and precursor to Alzheimer's any how not about me just about understanding the shitty shit you are going through. My husband is an ass he says get back to the bitching and stuff that makes this fun to read (although he did get excited about the postal part and said yes people really are fucking with you to see if you will cause he claims they are doing it to him!) Anyhow I am glad to have the asshole he says someday he will be like 50 first dates or the notebook with me which is sweet of him but I wont know that crazy bastard and Im just gonna shoot him come telling me stories out of some notebook he wrote just tryin to get in my pants. heh hope this helps make you smile and if not that at least not want to open a vein, much new found love and support Silky and Ace (I know he thinks he is cool whats a girl to do no wonder Im trying to lose my memory!!!!!!!!!!) xox This one time at band camp (fill in the blank)
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Ah, sugarplum. What a rough ride you've had lately. Your son's accident and surgery - particularly the medicating part, if I'm understanding you right - sound terrifying. And your mom's stuff, too; even if you truly hate her, it's still a scary situation to be in. Fear has a very real effect on the body, and when you're that scared about something, it takes time for your brain chemistry to go back to normal and your body to come out of survival mode - sometimes days, sometimes months. It'll happen, though, and when it does you'll feel on a bit more of an even keel. Your son's ok now though, right? I'm really sorry about your mother in law. I hope she has longer than the oncologist thinks this time. I can totally understand your anger at your mother here, especially considering your mother in law's situation. I too have known dying people who fight so hard to live and cherish each day they're given, and then people who have life, have so much, and don't value it. And yeah, it makes me angry. It feels like a personal insult somehow, even though I know they don't mean it that way. I'm still here, anyway, and I enjoy reading your posts however often they come alone. *hugs* Do not seek an external refuge, but be a light unto yourself. "Be the change you want to see." HalfNekkid Wednesday Peekaboo
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Holy fuck!!! Hang in there. Surely shit storms such as that don't last forever. "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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Sweetie..Take one day at a time..and take care of you.. "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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Thanks B. Don't kick yourself too much, I haven't felt like talking to anyone anyway!! I'm sorry you are going through some shit too. We'll talk soon....I promise. Love & hugs, K "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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I don't know what I'd do without you....let's not find out ok? Love ya bitch! "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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Being new readers to your blog sorry your down we enjoy it, myself I understand the fucked up half thoughts, I have epilepsy and the neurologist tells me its in the memory portion of my brain, so lucky fucking me its like early dementia and precursor to Alzheimer's any how not about me just about understanding the shitty shit you are going through. My husband is an ass he says get back to the bitching and stuff that makes this fun to read (although he did get excited about the postal part and said yes people really are fucking with you to see if you will cause he claims they are doing it to him!) Anyhow I am glad to have the asshole he says someday he will be like 50 first dates or the notebook with me which is sweet of him but I wont know that crazy bastard and Im just gonna shoot him come telling me stories out of some notebook he wrote just tryin to get in my pants. heh hope this helps make you smile and if not that at least not want to open a vein, much new found love and support Silky and Ace (I know he thinks he is cool whats a girl to do no wonder Im trying to lose my memory!!!!!!!!!!) xox I'm sorry you are going through so much, makes me feel like a cunt for whinning about my problems. I'm glad you two have each other!! I do have to agree with Ace, I prefer to "get back to the bitching and stuff" too!! I will get right on that ok? lol! Hugs, Subs "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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Ah, sugarplum. What a rough ride you've had lately. Your son's accident and surgery - particularly the medicating part, if I'm understanding you right - sound terrifying. And your mom's stuff, too; even if you truly hate her, it's still a scary situation to be in. Fear has a very real effect on the body, and when you're that scared about something, it takes time for your brain chemistry to go back to normal and your body to come out of survival mode - sometimes days, sometimes months. It'll happen, though, and when it does you'll feel on a bit more of an even keel. Your son's ok now though, right? I'm really sorry about your mother in law. I hope she has longer than the oncologist thinks this time. I can totally understand your anger at your mother here, especially considering your mother in law's situation. I too have known dying people who fight so hard to live and cherish each day they're given, and then people who have life, have so much, and don't value it. And yeah, it makes me angry. It feels like a personal insult somehow, even though I know they don't mean it that way. I'm still here, anyway, and I enjoy reading your posts however often they come alone. *hugs* Thanks for your kind words and support. Yes, my son is doing great now. As far as my mother in law, they haven't given her a prognosis yet...mostly because no one but me wants to know. They think they may have found a surgeon willing to operate at M.D Anderson in Houston. Waiting for him to go over her scans and get back to us. Thanks for stickng around! Hugs, Subs "The truth shall set you free.....but first it will probably piss you the f{=}ck off!!" ღ ღ To Be Perfectly Blunt... ღ ღ ~ღ~ Latest Posts ~ღ~ ~~ Does this pole make me look fat~~ * A squirter Who fucking knewreally *~* Winning Losing Who the fuck cares * Could I be a bigger mess *~* And now, back to our regularly scheduled program
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