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| Blogs > redmustang91 > Wild Red Mustang thoughts! |
Why stay if the sex is inadequate?
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Why stay if the sex is inadequate? Many cannot seem to wrap their minds around the concept of a couple staying together even if the sex is not sufficient for one of the couple. As I have thought about this subject over the last decade or so, allow me to explain. I am not trying to sell anyone anything. I do not crave your endorsement or ask for approval or disapproval. There is no need to judge me or condemn me. From what I see most marriages have inadequate sex for one or both partners after a period of time. Ask around and see. Many marriages have little or no sex. Some enjoy other activities and some do not. My marriage has some sex, sometimes not for a week or two, then sometimes once or twice a week. I share many things values with my spouse. But I desire hot sex daily, and many types of sex that she is unwilling to do. I have no reason to condemn or reject her just because she is different from me. I accept her as she is and have given up trying to convert her to my way of thinking. I also recognize that some crave variety and some do not. Some are willing to take a risk and some are not. While many will condemn me for seeking what is considered "cheating" or "adultery", one can also look at the situation from the opposite point of view. I stick with a woman who loves me and I love, despite the fact that she is not providing me with the sexual satisfaction I crave. I have sacrificed my desires for many years, to please her and to make sure our son grew up in a stable household, which I believe is best to nurture a child. I also do not agree with those who espouse total honesty with a spouse as that only hurts the feelings of the non-cheating spouse. She knows I have "strayed" and has forgiven my transgressions; "don't ask, don't tell" is what we both prefer. Those who wish to be less discreet are welcome to do so, but in my experience most people cannot handle the jealousy and fear. While some will condemn my dishonesty, another viewpoint is that I must bear the guilt and the secrecy to preserve and protect an illusion that is comforting to my spouse. I do what she prefers, even though she refuses to do what I prefer. Freud noted that many times in human affairs there are multiple reasons that explain actions. Things are "over-directed" to the same conclusion. I will also note that I stay for the companionship, because I am used to the situation, we get along well, we share many things including a son, and apart from the sex, many things are truly fine in our relationship. One does not throw out a relationship that has only one failing, even if the failing is an important one like sex. My cynical side also assumes that any other marriage would eventually also exhibit the same problem that monogamy engenders, boredom or a desire for variety of "strange" sex organs attached to a new partner. Those who do not understand the above, please feel free to ignore it and withhold hostile rants. Those who can relate to what I am saying, feel free to express sympathetic sounds... |
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1/11/2007 11h52 |
Not a rant here - cheating isn't for me because of the guilt and the lying - but how would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot and it was HER that was cheating on you ??? Just a question.  Mistress Innuendo Taking what you say and turning it into something naughty !!
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1/11/2007 12h14 |
I've posted on this subject on BPB's blog. I agree entirely that a marriage is about far more than sex, and sex alone should not be the reason to stay together. That said, your statement I do what she prefers, even though she refuses to do what I prefer seems to give you a nice little line in "I'm the real victim here", doesn't it?! Anyway, yes, it is nothing like as black and white as people seem to suggest. Blogito ergo sum.
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Red, I think you said it beautifully. The only thing I would like to add is this: An outsider cannot ever know what the internal workings of what a "couples" marriage constitutes. Judgement of this is wrong. Every marriage changes over the years, for whatever reasons. It is not MY place to judge anothers situation. BehindMyBlues
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I have said I wished my wife would experience other men, both to appreciate me more, to widen her experience and to enjoy life more... I do not expect to be believed, but that is ok... If you love someone, you still love them even if they do things you do not like...
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Also while there is some guilt, there is also some awareness that sometimes thing are not so simple...
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I did not say abused, just that you need to accept that others do not share all your views and attitudes. So you respect their right to be different.
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With age comes some wisdom and some compromises...
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I understand why many do not wish to get involved with an attached person for fear of heartbreak. Things change. Who knows what the future holds...
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Unless you risk, you cannot earn the reward. Not all knowledge is good, but things evolve... I am starting to sound like Kahil Gibran or Yoda...
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It has taken me time to understand why married men look outside their relationship instead of just ending it and moving forward, but now I get it...there is far more invested in the family than the need for sexual intimacy...and yet, that is still a need that many men are not getting fulfilled at home. As a woman with a very strong sexual appetite, I cannot understand how a woman can't WANT sex all the time, but I know it is true that many women only want and need it occasionally...some, not at all. I feel sorry for them, not only for the orgasms they're not having, but for the relationship they never developed to its fullest. Sex, to me is far more than sex...it's a unique kind of bonding that you don't get just being friends...it's more than just the orgasm itself, it's the sharing, the desire to give to another, the caring...all parts of the whole. I'm like YNot in my logic as to why I do not choose to have relationships with married men, not only because of my fear of developing a love bond, but also because I wouldn't want to be the cause of someone ending their existing relationship and choosing me instead. To me, that's not fair to the person who has no knowledge that they need to be fighting to keep what they have...although, I do agree that they SHOULD be doing that anyway, at all times. I think people become complacent in their relationships because they're content within their own needs, but fail to think about their partner's needs. Truly understanding and giving people, like anazcpl4u, understand that they must consider each other's needs, not only their own. Jealousy has no place in a solid relationship, and if a person chooses NOT to supply for their partner's needs, then they should be open to allowing them to having them fulfilled elsewhere. Certainly, there is the risk that in doing so, they could lose the one they love because they could fall in love with someone who fulfills ALL their needs...but to me, it's either get off your ass and do it yourself, or face the consequences of your choices by not. Men and women will cheat on their spouses if their needs are not met. Men cheat for different reasons, usually for a lacking of sex or sexual intimacy....women usually cheat because of a lack of attention or emotional needs, but if they're getting it from a married man, he's likely to be falling in love with her and who knows what the outcome will be. Besides finances, cheating is the major reason for divorces...but I contend that it could have been avoided had one of the partner's considered the other's needs, and they didn't. I know some couples where the wife says, "I don't care if you want more sex, you're not getting it from me." Doesn't that say a lot? It says "I don't care about your needs, all I'm concerned about is what I want." Pretty damn selfish. I say they deserve the outcome of making a statement like that. I wouldn't chastise a man for cheating when a wife doesn't care. The courts also favor that stance...when we take our marriage vows, we are saying we will do our duty to fulfill one another's needs always, not when it's convenient or not when we want it. Although I don't seek out relationships with married men, and don't want them for the same reason YNot doesn't, I have met some married men that tempted me so much. Not because they looked hot, but because they had something wonderful about them in their heart or mind, or both. I always look for something to love about people beyond their looks, and usually find it. Occasionally, I find people who have nothing I want. But I'm greedy, I want everything I want in one person. On the flip side though, I have everything most men want and am willing to continuously give more and always want to care for other's needs before my own...the funny thing is, THAT IS my need, so I fulfill my own by doing just that. I don't fault you for having your needs; I don't fault you for anything. I understand you and many other men (and women) who are here for whatever their needs may be. I wish I could be the wishmaker and grant everyone's wishes. That would be the best job anyone could ever have...but there are people who don't deserve what they ask for, and I understand why there is no human ability to grant wishes. Life is meant to be filled with trials and tribulations because we wouldn't work hard at it if it wasn't. Sorry for all the tangents I went off on. I really did appreciate this post and you personally for sharing it openly. I admire your mind.
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Smart you express yourself well! I understand the reluctance to get intimate with someone married. And generally agree. I will make some further observations. I think people rarely fulfill all of their partner's needs, for many reasons. Needs change, people get lazy, life creates stresses, people have varying libidos, etc. Sex is one thing, intimacy another, friendship another, companionship and fun another. Sometimes all are found with one person and usually not all are found with one person...
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8/1/2008 10h18 |
"don't ask, don't tell" is what we both prefer. recently, my ex and i experimented with a reconciliation for the sake of our girl, and adopted the above tactic. i am too rebellious lately and being held to one man was chafing. i know that's not your situation but i can understand how 2 people can come to an unorthodox arrangement for a social contract. marriages and partnerships are social contracts to be agreed by both parties involved. not by society at large. my ex and i decided the arrangement wasn't going to work due to different schedules and household arrangements, including the fact that my daughter and i are accustomed to much more free time than we were going to have with him in residence. would i involve myself with a married man? i doubt it. in 2 years i will be free to seek my own long term situation. i want someone available.
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Well sometimes it is better to see a man once or twice a week for fun and sex, rather than have him around lots of time when you are paying bills, doing the dishes, watching tv, etc.
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Not sure who is better off, the spouse or the lover. As far as the hot sex goes, the lover is getting more and better sex usually...
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I am sharing my thought process as I evolve in my thinking. Blogging is a form of talking to yourself with an audience and some feedback. Cheaper than psychotherapy, and just as elusive in its curative powers.
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3/3/2009 13h45 |
My belief is that as long as their is a true understanding between two people, all is well. I long and stay with, only a Man for whom I am that number one Woman. I also notice the subtle "I sacrifice" (equals ???) but she doesn't. Interesting. Byeeee. ...  ...Life is measured by the number of time’s one’s soul is stirred. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
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3/3/2009 13h53 |
Oooops. Did it again. Re the staying if sex is not good. I cannot. I have tried. And since I cannot do your thang, er, (supposedly) stay for companionship and liking them, admiring them etc, but go elsewhere for sex etc, (just cannot figure how one can hurt someone one likes ???) I remain long long times single. Not even sex. Sometimes for years and I adore my sex/sensuality etc. But that's okay. When I find or am found ... and ALL the parts are entwined reciprically ... oh boy it is just fabulous! Byeee. ...  ...Life is measured by the number of time’s one’s soul is stirred. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
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I still love my wife even though she is not as sexual as I am. I have just decided that I cannot exist in as limited a sexual way as she prefers.
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You get a lot of negative feedback for "cheating" but you also have to do what you need to do. Thanks for the understanding, to those who understand...
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2/8/2009 7h36 |
I have read several of the posts and your blog...I can understand why people go out of the marriage when needs are not being met, I did that once. In this marriage, my second one, I am a different individual. Before my needs weren't met and not sexually, but emotionally which for me is about sex too...good sex, wonderful toe curling sex! As a woman moving into my 40's, my sex drive has increased exponentially...we have been swinging for some time and we were playing on our own for a while but that has since changed again. I was needing more, jealousy reared it's head and now...I am back to just playing with my husband or when he plays at the same time. Does this mean I get sex as much as I need it? No...but I don't think that I could ever have relations without him knowing. I went outside a marriage once....and this marriage is the product of it. So my hand and the cam is my outlet lol Oh...and once or twice a week is way more than most men get! You my friend are pretty fortunate. Me? I am getting it about that often too...guess I should cherish it more... Trouble is...as Trouble does   
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To each as he needs, from each according to his abilities...
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That's one reason I only have open relationships -- if the sex starts to slip in one, I am allowed to go elsewhere. So are my partners. Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale Her infinite variety. Other women cloy The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry Where most she satisfies. For vilest things Become themselves in her, that the holy priests Bless her when she is riggish. ~~ from Antony & Cleopatra
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If you want sex twice a day, once a week will not be satisfying. So don't judge a situation that you do not understand. Each person has to find his or her own way through the world. Without understanding the facts one cannot assess the situation. Most people do not take the time to understand the facts, in my experience...
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Life is what you make of it...
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People have the ability to love more than one person. You love your friends, your children, your parents, your spouse and your lover... Some even love their school, car, football team and city. Love conquers all...
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