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Blogs > xacandxin > Adventures in the Poly Pocket

Swinger VS. Poly  

xacandxin 46H/46F
82 messages
14/7/2016 10h12
Swinger VS. Poly

So because a recent nightmare situation of ours seems to have been largely related to a non-shared definition of the word "poly" by two couples. As a result of this issue, we tried (are trying?) to create a group that is solely for those who are poly or at least interested in the possibility of learning about poly and/or pursuing something poly.

We've discovered that there isn't much of a poly presence here on passion, but we feel like there is a good chance that this is because there are a number of people on here who are incorrectly identifying as swingers without realizing it. Doing that was actually the most painful mistake we've made over the past year (even worse than the one above), so we're starting this topic for two reasons: 1) to see if we might be able to save any others from making this same mistake; 2) to test out our theory that more people here would identify as poly (or at least more poly-ish than swinger) if they were given the proper, broader definition of the term.

When we started, we were positive that we were "swingers" mainly because we were certain that we weren't poly. This was because at the time the word poly to us meant like falling in love with a third (or more), moving in together, and having some sort of group marriage ceremony or something. The sound of that was very frightening or at least unappealing to us at the time, and even after all we've learned over the past year, that still isn't our goal. Meanwhile here we are, still poly as fuck and definitely not swingers, lol.

This is because of the better understanding that we came to have about what it really means to be somewhere on the relationship spectrum that is considered polyamory. We could start discussing that here immediately, but we think we'd like to start out by hearing from people how they currently define the term "poly". There are no wrong answers, just the satisfaction of our shared intellectual curiosity. Yeah, we might be a little nerdy

Anyone got some thoughts on what it means to be poly vs. a swinger that they're willing to discuss here? We'd appreciate it.

xacandxin 46H/46F
299 messages
14/7/2016 18h30

 Thanks, Jasson. Closed groups are definitely poly. However, there are open poly groups and closed poly groups. We've even found out there are people who identify as poly who wouldn't ever even say that they are into groups at all. This is why we brought up the topic. We found out it's way more complicated than we thought at first.


satyrnsheepzskin 46H
5939 messages
14/7/2016 17h27

 I would say my personal definition is a bit ... biased.

From my experience, swingers are people who have sex with just about anyone. I could be wrong, I've never really participated in the swinger scene.

Poly to me is the ABILITY and willingness to not only love but to truly fall in love with multiple people. I can see how your initial definition complete with marriage-like bonds was frightening.

I am affirmed poly. I am in love with at least two women at the same time, and the love does not compete with one another in my heart. That, to me, is what it means to be poly.

I'd love to hear how your definitions, Xac and Xin, have changed. And I'd also be interested in hearing what others think. Let the nerd party begin!
Satyr in Sheep's Skin
Peruse my many stories at Satyr39s Storybook Corner or my Renaissance Era BDSM fantasy story at Serial Story Reinport39s Crowning Index.


xacandxin replies on 14/7/2016 23h14:
We're going to respond by copying something here from a recent email discussion we shared with another passion friend of ours a day or two ago. It seems highly pertinent to your question:

People can get more serious, move in together, "marry" one another, etc., and they are still poly, but most people - including us about ten months ago - only think of that when they think of the word poly. In the end, all poly means is that we prefer to have strong friendships and ongoing relationships with anyone we are playing with instead of with a bunch of randoms. Swingers are simply people that are less concerned about how well they know the people they hook up with. All that matters is that they are attractive and not a complete asshole.

For us, we prefer to keep those numbers small and instead of having sex with a bunch of our friends at different times, we prefer to form more close relationships with just a few people. People seem to be put off by that notion because it describes a more exclusive sounding LTR and then that leads to the notion that we are only looking for people who want to get really serious and move in with us or something, but that's not really what we need at all. I guess we are still facing the challenge of trying to properly articulate to people what we prefer vs. what we aren't open to. We aren't open to swinging, but we are open to a wide variety of poly scenarios (just not the really serious ones, lol). We might prefer to get exclusive with just 2 or 3 others (depending upon whether or not we ever decide to open ourselves up to another couple again), but if we aren't finding anyone looking for that level of exclusivity, then it's not necessarily like we wouldn't be willing to play with anyone. They'd just need to become a friend first.

jasson74523 44H
106 messages
14/7/2016 10h15

 poly is just a closed group I think


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