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Contemplations
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Contemplations I recognize I carry these deep battle scars within me. Suffering, well, enduring, well, receiving sexual stimulation at an early age has me fucked up still at 45. The reality is that promiscuity and wild sex turn me on. I get off on inappropriate behavior. I want to be a bad girl. I crave sex. At the same time I know that I need love and affection and decency and quality time from someone with whom I am having all this sex. And that’s what I can’t seem to get together. I think the crazy wild sex games are perfectly fine, but I deserve to have those things in a loving environment and not at random. And I forget one while in search of the other. The crazy thing is that whether it’s incidental, accidental, or staged, Edward shows me love and affection when he and I are physically together. I just need him to show me these things whether he and I are in the bedroom or not. And if it isn’t going to be him, then I deserve someone else who will do that for me. Furthermore and unfortunately, I also cannot discern whether or not I truly crave all this bad girl behavior or if I would heal myself maybe that desire to be a freak would go away. I’m not sure I want to know the answer to this question. I mean, what is so wrong with being a freak who enjoys lots and lots of sex? I’d like to think that even if I were completely healed I’d still be this slutty girl...only more in control of the emotional aspects. I’d also like to think that I would go out and find emotionally safe people who also enjoy the kink. Edward sometimes points out to me that he is fucked up in the head. And I need to point out to him that so am I. And that it could very well be our emotionally damaged selves that found one another. Our healed selves could do the same. It’s why I don’t give up on people. I see the good in him. It’s written all over his face. It’s in his voice, his laughter, his demeanor. He’s a pure soul with a fucked up heart. He’s just like me, only cuter. Fucked up or healed or somewhere in between, he’s a part of me, and he’s made me see the light in so many ways. Maybe that’s why we met. Maybe he’s my pathway to healing. Either way, I’m grateful for him. Either way, I hope he sticks around. |
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No need to see me as a victim. I don’t. If anything, I victimize myself and maybe others.
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I like the way you write. Thanks for sharing the contemplations. I suppose 'healed' and slutty are not mutually exclusive.
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22/9/2020 10h14 |
I think I an maybe relate. Went through a horrible marriage, divorced, then went wild with fulfilling my fantasies, then met my present wife. Shes amazing. We were brutally honest with each other when we met - only each other's pasts - including sexual things. We know each other's kinks. We sometimes play on them and are comfortable with them. It makes a great sex life together. We both can be freaks in the bedroom and it makes it much easier and more fun. So I guess what I'm saying is for my part anyway, is its possible to be be a freak and have that "bad or naughty side" and still have that loving expected relationship. Maybe I'm just lucky....but I dont think so. I think there are many people that can explore and utilize their freak side and still "be normal" if you will, with each other.
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You're lucky to have found a partner you can understand and trust. Any voyage is always more reassuring when your holding someones hand. ... is there another way to look at it Going Too Fucking Far NEW Blog Features RevealeD O O A Foolproof Method Posted Over on that NEW site O O
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