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Self Destruction
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Self Destruction It's sad watching someone self destruct. It's even worse when it's a slow process and it's someone close to you. I'm sure some of you can relate to this, hell some might even have been on that path. My older brother was a brilliant kid. Tested at high genius IQ levels. But like me, he never really liked to follow the rules. And like me, during his teens and early twenties, he was heavy into drinking and drugs. Difference is, by 25 I had quit all drugs and could almost call myself a social drinker. He continued on. By thirty he had contracted Hep C, so it convinced him to quit most of the drugs. Still smoked a little weed, but it was alcohol that he used to fill the void. So he drank. And he drank a lot. I refer to him as a binge alcoholic. Yes he drinks everyday when he's off the wagon. But it's a binge drinking session every day. Like black out , shit faced drunk every day. A bottle of Vodka can get him through the morning, but by night he's looking for some more. This has gone on for the last 30 years He'll sober up from time to time. One time he lasted almost 6 months. Most of the time it has seemed to be a pattern of 3 weeks on the wagon, then fall off hard. This past Monday, he started a sober up period. For those who know about these things, cold turkey withdrawal this bad can have some nasty effects. By Thursday he was having seizures, heart stopped in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. They got it going again, but now he's laying in a ICU. Medically induced coma. Liver tests look like hell, brain scans show some anomaly's. They've put him on dialysis, cause his kidneys aren't working. And last I heard this afternoon, that wasn't even going that well. Still unsure where this goes..but they're gonna try to wake him up by Monday. If they can get him "more stabilized". I asked the Doc, what that meant, and his reply was , functioning better than he is right now. Ok... We were close when we were real young. Fought like mortal enemies when we were older, into our teens. I mean,full on fist fights, not just arguing. So as years went by, we really weren't what you'd call close siblings. But he's still my brother, and I'd fight to defend him. It's been a really sad couple of days though, thinking of the times we did have fun together. And thinking about a wasted life, watching him self destruct. To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel. It's like I know he's done this to himself, and we've all tried to help him through the years, with no success. I'm angry at him for putting Mom through this pain, and that's keeping me from really feeling pain. But I'll still be sorry to see him go, if it continues on like this. Have you been through this, or watched someone close to you just defy all advice and destroy themselves? " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx |
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Sorry this is such a downer post. But it does me good to write stuff down, and hearing other peoples perspective, or experiences. Thanks for indulging me. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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1/12/2018 15h19 |
Hon its not a downer post and no I cant say I had anyone close to me family or friend go through that ..its hard to know what to say to make you feel better or take that pain away from you , only thing I know is just keep on thinking about how those good times were , don't dwell on the bad only if it helps to remember the good....just be there for the whole family , its about the only thing you can do right now..don't be afraid of letting anything go ...even if its a vent or rant you know you have a great deal of friends here ..
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Hon its not a downer post and no I cant say I had anyone close to me family or friend go through that ..its hard to know what to say to make you feel better or take that pain away from you , only thing I know is just keep on thinking about how those good times were , don't dwell on the bad only if it helps to remember the good....just be there for the whole family , its about the only thing you can do right now..don't be afraid of letting anything go ...even if its a vent or rant you know you have a great deal of friends here .. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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Sorry for your lose man. To be honest, I'm surprised mine hasn't done the same already. We keep hoping, but he's been slowing moving that direction over the last couple of years. All we can do is keep pushing on. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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I agree with BK..its not a downer post....its your reality at the moment. Ive not been exposed to self destruct such as that...but i do know that substance abuse is a disorder once it gets ahold of one. Some people are strong enuff to pull out of it and others arent....its a daily struggle for some and the stressors of life just send one over the edge. As long as someone is alive there is always hope, just sounds like now there is the challenge of organ failure too. Ugh . Sometimes those with the greatest intellect and potential suffer the most, due to societal expectations. Its been said that there is a very thin line between brilliance and insanity. It is with hope that all that is wrong can and will be turned around soon.
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I am so sorry. Bitchkitty has it all right. It's not a downer of a post, and we're here for you, so share what you need to. I have witnessed the destructive power of drugs and alcohol in an aunt and an uncle. They were in their 20s when I was a teenager and finally had some understanding of the kinds of drugs they were using. I'm sure they used as teenagers, but I would not have known, I was too young. My aunt became a nurse and had her habits under control for awhile, then there was a back injury at work, and it was a down hill slide. A serious car wreck, and her beautiful face was scarred. She had to stop nursing. She became pregnant, and we hoped that she would turn her life around. She tried. But, by the time the baby was two, my aunt was selling her body for drugs. By the time the baby was 3, my aunt had gone missing, and we assume she was murdered, based on the information we have on where she was and who she was spending time with. My uncle was in and out of jail almost my entire growing up years. Making poor choices and hanging out with the wrong people. Between the two of them, I had real life examples of what can happen when you abuse drugs, and never tried anything. I didn't even smoke weed until it was legal in Washington. Their choices impacted the entire family. Christmases impacted because my dad was off helping one of them...and they weren't even his siblings. (My dad, yeah...he's my hero). When I think of either of them, it makes me sad about how much family time was missed, how much THEY missed, because of their choices. My uncle didn't want to come to my wedding. He was sober at the time, but he was worried about embarrassing me. Just by being there...not because he was high or drunk. They were both very loving people, and I'm sorry that none of my children will ever know that. Be there for your family. Don't worry about whether or not you are feeling the right things...what ever you are feeling, it's right. Hugs to you. "Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is relax." – Mark Black
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Young Man, just have faith, the medical system of today can work miracles. I am so sorry you were not able to intervein in this situation to curtail it earlier, Our thought are with you, look up not down always looking forward . hoping for your best,.... Stop by at lonlyforlove2 also see Lunch with Lonly , we get snow tomorrow Check my blog on New Community, "A photo of my big Pecker" also, " My Sunday afternoon with the kids'
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I am so sorry. Bitchkitty has it all right. It's not a downer of a post, and we're here for you, so share what you need to. I have witnessed the destructive power of drugs and alcohol in an aunt and an uncle. They were in their 20s when I was a teenager and finally had some understanding of the kinds of drugs they were using. I'm sure they used as teenagers, but I would not have known, I was too young. My aunt became a nurse and had her habits under control for awhile, then there was a back injury at work, and it was a down hill slide. A serious car wreck, and her beautiful face was scarred. She had to stop nursing. She became pregnant, and we hoped that she would turn her life around. She tried. But, by the time the baby was two, my aunt was selling her body for drugs. By the time the baby was 3, my aunt had gone missing, and we assume she was murdered, based on the information we have on where she was and who she was spending time with. My uncle was in and out of jail almost my entire growing up years. Making poor choices and hanging out with the wrong people. Between the two of them, I had real life examples of what can happen when you abuse drugs, and never tried anything. I didn't even smoke weed until it was legal in Washington. Their choices impacted the entire family. Christmases impacted because my dad was off helping one of them...and they weren't even his siblings. (My dad, yeah...he's my hero). When I think of either of them, it makes me sad about how much family time was missed, how much THEY missed, because of their choices. My uncle didn't want to come to my wedding. He was sober at the time, but he was worried about embarrassing me. Just by being there...not because he was high or drunk. They were both very loving people, and I'm sorry that none of my children will ever know that. Be there for your family. Don't worry about whether or not you are feeling the right things...what ever you are feeling, it's right. Hugs to you. One thing that did hit me, your uncle at least showed some self awareness of the situation. Though you might have wanted him at your wedding, it was a selfless thing to do in my opinion. Sorta like not wanting to be a distraction. Thanks for your kind words. I know it's ok to be angry with what he's doing and done to mom through this, but he's family, and I feel like I should be more sad for him. Weird place to be in my head at the moment. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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Young Man, just have faith, the medical system of today can work miracles. I am so sorry you were not able to intervein in this situation to curtail it earlier, Our thought are with you, look up not down always looking forward . hoping for your best,.... Thanks again. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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Whatever you feel, it's not wrong. You can't control your feelings...they just are. And there's going to be a lot of them. Just do what you can and the rest will happen as it's supposed to. Wishing the best for you, your brother and your family right now. *virtual hugs*  Pagan  Hmmmm....I know I left that wand around here somewhere!
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The son of a friend had a vodka issue. He became a friend - as much as any addict can have a friend beyond the chemical. I wrote a bit about him here Alcohol amp Final Lap . Hope things go better for you and him. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
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While I've not been through this type of self-destruction, I did have a chronically ill husband who did not like to follow doctors orders. He died 15 years ago at the age of 46. I imagine that you are dealing with multiple - and conflicting - emotions. It's okay to feel them all. My only (paltry) advice is to not hide them from those closest to you. It's the love and affection of family and friends that get us through bad times. Hugs. Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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Whatever you feel, it's not wrong. You can't control your feelings...they just are. And there's going to be a lot of them. Just do what you can and the rest will happen as it's supposed to. Wishing the best for you, your brother and your family right now. *virtual hugs* " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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So sorry to see this. I know your pain. It is a powerful disease. Some beat it, some do not. Just love him. For some, it is easier to die from it than to try to beat it or live with it. Maybe a miracle will happen and he can improve. Hugs for you.
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The son of a friend had a vodka issue. He became a friend - as much as any addict can have a friend beyond the chemical. I wrote a bit about him here Alcohol amp Final Lap . Hope things go better for you and him. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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While I've not been through this type of self-destruction, I did have a chronically ill husband who did not like to follow doctors orders. He died 15 years ago at the age of 46. I imagine that you are dealing with multiple - and conflicting - emotions. It's okay to feel them all. My only (paltry) advice is to not hide them from those closest to you. It's the love and affection of family and friends that get us through bad times. Hugs. We're a pretty open family. We talk about everything. My mom knows how I feel, and she understands it. She's a mom though, even though she knows it's his fault, she's hurting. And that's the part that's getting me. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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Thanks. It is for sure. And this one has been a long slow circle. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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We keep thinking one of these times he's gonna sober up for good. Been the AA route more than once..but his always been stubborn. Once they say something he doesn't agree with, he's done. This isn't his first ICU experience, so he could pull through. Though this time they seem to be talking the doctors talk for problems are worse than the last times. I think his kidney's and liver are shot. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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So sorry to see this. I know your pain. It is a powerful disease. Some beat it, some do not. Just love him. For some, it is easier to die from it than to try to beat it or live with it. Maybe a miracle will happen and he can improve. Hugs for you. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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Yeah. that sounds like quite a bout of watching family self destruct. I mean I was no angel by any means, when I was young. I just figured since it looked like I wasn't gonna die young, might as well slow down and get busy with life. It's a shame when others spend so much time , trying to feel good, that it's constantly out of their grasp. One thing that did hit me, your uncle at least showed some self awareness of the situation. Though you might have wanted him at your wedding, it was a selfless thing to do in my opinion. Sorta like not wanting to be a distraction. Thanks for your kind words. I know it's ok to be angry with what he's doing and done to mom through this, but he's family, and I feel like I should be more sad for him. Weird place to be in my head at the moment. Your anger is understandable...you see the effect of his choices on your mom, and he likely didn't even realize anything he did impacted anyone else. You shouldn't be feeling anything other than what you are...don't beat yourself up about it.  "Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is relax." – Mark Black
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I lived with a functioning alcoholic and I got tortured until I turned aside. I have no idea what has transpired since that time but knew enough to realize I was not the cause nor could I ever be the cure. All I could ever hope was that there was some medical intervention followed by some intensive counseling to get at the non-medical root. I think your ability to vent that here so concisely is a great help to you. There are friends here to lean on and share this burden. If the end is what your brother is aiming for, hold his hand. He's alone and he hurts worse than you or your mother can ever understand. (Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group
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That's actually what probably drives me the most crazy with the situation. I've tried to help, but nothing I do made a difference. All I can do now is play mop up, and of course, let my mom know I'm here when she needs me. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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I lived with a functioning alcoholic and I got tortured until I turned aside. I have no idea what has transpired since that time but knew enough to realize I was not the cause nor could I ever be the cure. All I could ever hope was that there was some medical intervention followed by some intensive counseling to get at the non-medical root. I think your ability to vent that here so concisely is a great help to you. There are friends here to lean on and share this burden. If the end is what your brother is aiming for, hold his hand. He's alone and he hurts worse than you or your mother can ever understand. And you're right. He has been hurting for a long time. He was never a "tough" kid. I was a ninth grader who use to fight the seniors who would pick on him. While eventually, no one messed with him, I often wonder if that hurt his self esteem more than if I had just let him get his ass kicked. He never got along with anyone, so go figure, he has been single his entire life. Which I'm sure weighs on him. I know , he knows, he created all of this through his life because of his attitude and personality. If he wasn't my brother, the emotional answers would be simple. My views on family will have me there till the end. Mad at him or not for what he's done to our Mom. But even if I hated him, which I don't, I'd still be there through the end. He's my brother and that bond can't be ignored in my way of thinking. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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It's a rough place no doubt . " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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While I've not been through that personally, people close to me have. I'm sorry you're dealing with such an emotionally draining situation, it's one of the worst things to watch someone you love destroy themselves. My thoughts are with you. (hugs)
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