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The Mornings After the Day Before: I Plead Insanity
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The Mornings After the Day Before: I Plead Insanity For the full story, see the comment below. Thank you for taking the time to read my story...stay tuned!  ~~~" Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." --Mary Oliver~~~ |
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I think every scorned spouse or partner gets to play the insanity card every once in a while… The days and weeks that followed my discovery were, well…interesting. They were filled with more discoveries…discoveries about him, about us, and about myself. I surprised myself, actually, in more ways than one! But that, dear readers, is for another post! I really operated in a fog for a few weeks. I trusted ABSOLUTELY nothing that came out of my husband’s mouth. I became hyper-vigilant; a super sleuth…Sherlock would’ve been proud. But I also became a bit insane. One could say, insane with jealousy, but the hubs said it was five years ago when this all went down […or when HE went down?!] and none of them “stuck”. Do I believe that?? Please refer back to the 2nd line in this paragraph for the correct answer….Fuck, NO!!!!! The insanity part was how every waking moment was spent obsessing about him. Where was he? Did he go to work, really? Is he riding his bike, or is he riding someone else? This was a lonely road I was on. No one to really turn to during this time; with only my own thoughts and opinions to seek advice from: not a reliable source I might add. A couple of times, my investigatory skills went above and beyond the call and even down a couple of rabbit trails… We have one of those “Where’s the family” type gps apps on our phones. We decided to get it when he came home once rather battered and bruised from a bike ride. He had crashed and burned on a trail out in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the state and had to walk his bike back to his car. It was then that for his sake and safety we used this. Truthfully, I never used it except when he was on those rides. Until now, of course. On this day, only a few days after the nuclear bomb went off in our living room, he told me he was going to go work out and then maybe go tan. Oh yes! The tanning! That should’ve been a red flag right there, when he started doing that! I always chalked that one up as a way to help with S.A.D. [Seasonal Affectedness Disorder], never thinking it was simply for gearing up to be the Sexy Assed Daddy it really was! Anyways, he was gone a bit longer than usual so I got curious, I checked the gps app and he wasn’t at the gym; he was just to the left of it a couple of blocks. Now why would he do that, I wondered. I zoomed in and saw the gps had him parked in a restaurant parking lot. A restaurant? At this point, I couldn’t stand waiting at home with this little bit of info cycling in my head. So crazy woman that I was, I decided to see what was going on. I went to the parking lot, but didn’t see his car. I circled around and found it parked just across the street from the restaurant. Strange, I thought; but justified it in my mind that the parking lot was so full he had to park there. Now, what? I thought. Do I go in there? What’s the plan? I didn’t want to make a scene, I just wanted to catch a glimpse of the cast of characters. I sat in the car and debated with myself. Annnddd did a search on the phone for a counselor because I realized I was in fact, acting insane. After I left a shaky voiced message to the counselor’s office because no one answers phones anymore, I decided to go in. No sense wondering about it anymore! I went to the bar area and just like in the movies, hid behind a potted plant and surveyed the scene. He was nowhere to be found, but aha! There was a woman there! By herself! She looked like she could be the other woman! She was short! She had blonde hair! And she had eyelashes!! Hey listen, at that point, every woman I saw was suspect. I felt like that hatchling bird in the children’s book titled “Are You My Mother?” where I wanted to tug on the clothing of every passing female and ask, “Have you fucked my husband?” I went in and sat down beside her, ordered a glass of wine and struck up a conversation. And here’s where I started to surprise myself. First, I would never go to a bar by myself just to hang out alone. Second, I usually do not go during the first hour of happy hour. Third, I’m not one to initiate conversations with strangers. Yet, here I was talking with “Jennifer” like we were old friends; she talking about the perils of dating and singlehood, me dropping hints about the hubs then searching her face for a glimmer of recognition as I described him. There I was, sipping a glass or two, meeting others at the bar as they joined in to the conversation. I mean, I relaxed that night. I even laughed out loud a couple of times. Hell, I even flirted a bit! And I liked Jennifer! As I left the bar and headed home, I said to myself, “Self, I liked doing this! I can do this! I can go it alone if I had to! Another day, another bike ride had me checking the gps again. Always anxious, I saw that he had parked the car a bit off the beaten path. Sigh, so yes, I did some snooping. Because of the zoom feature on the gps, I could see how he had parked in front of a small house. I wondered why there? Meeting someone? Different workout other than pedal pushing? Remember, this is my insanity stage… So, zooming in, I managed to figure out the house numbers. Armed with that, I went to the county records and looked up who owned this cute, lil, grey cottage. Huh. a woman owns it! A 1 bedroom, 1 bath home is perfect for a single person! I then tried to cross reference it with some known suspects aka his Facebook Friends! Gee, he has a lot of workplace female friends! This whole time I had a scenario playing in my head about this redheaded single tart, running out the front door when she sees my hubs drive up [okay, why a red head, I don’t know, it’s just how the fantasy unfolded in my head!] she flings her arms around him and greets him with a hug, her Daisy Dukes rising up, inviting him to play as she invites him in and the door slams shut. Crazy, I know. But is it? Stay tuned! ~~~" Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." --Mary Oliver~~~
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Thank you for a terrifically riveting story. I see (and feel!) a wide range of emotions in play, but *insanity* is absolutely not one of them. Indeed, your actions are logical, methodical and appear to be driving you toward- as one might say- the *heart of the affair*. I anxiously await your next installment.
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Wait... I'm going to play devils advocate... You are on passion and you are worrying your husbands cheating. And going nuts about it.. Isn't that a contradiction of terms?? But then I do not know your sexual arrangements that you are living under and being on passion Kisses and good luck..
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OMG remind me not to lie to you wow you do find out about yourself when put to the test sometimes you torture yourself looking for the reason, the answer, the faults, the chink in the armor who did what in the end, you lick your wounds and move on but, we haven't heard the ending yet I'm kinda scared, reminds of "Fatal Attraction" however, I will continue reading hmm thanks for sharing be safe Thirty Seconds to Mars - "Love Is Madness" You are insane, my desire A violent daydream, love, love You are crazy, a perfect liar Said you'd save me, love, love I knew the moment I looked into your eyes I'd have to swallow all your lies I never said that I would be your lover I never said that I would be your friend I never said that I would take no other, be your lover Never said You are insane, my desire A dangerous game, love, love You are crazy, perfect liar Simply save me, love, love To leave private messages, please use my confidential mailbox at my blog: Good luck!!! 
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So...waiting for hear more, but my comment/question at this stage is - I wonder if you would have paid as much attention to him BEFORE the news of his wandering came out. if he would have had a reason to wander in the first place? Flashback Friday Volume 9 More Bits and Pieces T is for Thong, on HNW Honey, We Made it Just for You [post 3312759] My Private Blog - Tell Me ALL Your Secrets
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OMG remind me not to lie to you wow you do find out about yourself when put to the test sometimes you torture yourself looking for the reason, the answer, the faults, the chink in the armor who did what in the end, you lick your wounds and move on but, we haven't heard the ending yet I'm kinda scared, reminds of "Fatal Attraction" however, I will continue reading hmm thanks for sharing be safe Thirty Seconds to Mars - "Love Is Madness" You are insane, my desire A violent daydream, love, love You are crazy, a perfect liar Said you'd save me, love, love I knew the moment I looked into your eyes I'd have to swallow all your lies I never said that I would be your lover I never said that I would be your friend I never said that I would take no other, be your lover Never said You are insane, my desire A dangerous game, love, love You are crazy, perfect liar Simply save me, love, love  ~~~" Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." --Mary Oliver~~~
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