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Episode IV: How I got from There to Here
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Episode IV: How I got from There to Here {image] Okay Dear Readers – remember how I said life was both fucked and fuckable? Today we’re in the “fucked” part of the story… I’m going to be honest here. This one was hard to write; because retelling is also reliving. So rather than re-write the whole thing, I’m going to jump in the middle of a treatise I wrote one night after 2 Crown Royals, two glasses of wine, screaming expletives in the car as I drove home from the bar and then taking a two mile walk at 2 o’ clock in the morning, still yelling expletives. So some of this might be repetitive, but please bear with me as it fills in some details, too… …Throughout this time, I was a mess. I woke up every morning realizing I couldn’t breathe. I just couldn’t catch that first breath. I was scattered; aimless; completely unsure of what I was doing, where I was going, totally inadequate to form a whole thought and completely obsessed with his every movement. Though he said he wasn’t hooking up anymore, he would hide his phone. He would put windows down on his computer if I came into the room, and at that point I was too gutted to challenge it much. Week Three Had me looking through his desk one day. Found more “toys” and a receipt for a hotel stay at the beach. FUCK! He takes his hook up to the beach and not me!! Fuckity Fuck Fuck! This is right about the time we went to San Diego! Granted it was a fuckless trip at the time, but Fuck all the same! [*UPDATE: when I confronted him on this it turns out the receipts were actually FROM our fuckless San Diego trip! Oops! My bad!!] At this point my fight or flight response kicked in. I couldn’t stay in the house any longer. So I fixed myself up and took myself out. “Gotta learn to do this for myself now”. I didn’t want to be like my friends who were content to curl up with a good book each night. I wanted more than that. So, I went out. I danced, I drank new drinks, wrote some godawful poetry that sounded awesome at the time, and when the music was over, I couldn’t bring myself to go home. I went to our favorite karaoke bar, with George Michaels’ “Careless Whisper” running through my head. Of course, someone had to sing that song, badly. The DJ, a friend, couldn’t help but notice I was upset, but, I didn’t care. In fact, I don’t even know why I was there; it was just some place to go to that I knew. After that, I parked somewhere and slept in my car. Yeah, in that Mini Cooper [not recommended]. I just couldn’t make myself go home. The good news is, with all this going on, I started walking. Outside, the water, it let me learn to listen more. Ocean. Birds. Creek. I loved it. I could meditate with it. The rhythm allowed me to clear my head and formulate questions. Lots of questions. Which aren’t bad things, really. I’ve always felt that knowledge is power. Questions lead to knowledge. I saw a counselor that week. I mean, I thought I couldn’t tell anyone…my friends really liked him and I didn’t want to man-bash him [is that a term anymore???] in front of them. This was our problem, not theirs and I didn’t want their anger and protectiveness for me to cloud any decisions I would make. I found a local counselor who did a free consult with me. She said her two takeaways for me were: 1. This is not my fault Really? But I was the one turned off, and closed up shop. Yes, you are the one who closed up, and you have to take responsibility for that, but if he would have come to you to discuss that he had needs that he may need to look outside the marriage in order to fulfill, it would have given you a chance to choose how to respond. You were never given a choice in this decision that can affect the entire family. 2. I am worthy of love. Easy statement to say; hard to realize. Even now… The counselor also said that what I was experiencing was likened to PTSD because a trauma had been inflicted on me. She said that I would experience a lot of highs and lows. And if I opted to not pursue counseling, to find a confidante that I trusted to confide in. I could not have agreed with her more. High and Low is right! I have done some wacky things of late. Tracked him, researched him online [TruthFinder.com – eye-opening], and started looking at porn. After my night of sleeping in the car, we started talking about the porn. Me confessing that it turned me on, and that had he come to me, I would’ve gotten therapy sooner. The porn did turn me on, that and the fact that other women had found him attractive! After all those years, OMG it was a miracle! I turned on for my husband! Truly I surprised myself. I became a: #SexuallyAWakenedGirl. Yes, miracles of miracles, the Ice Princess had thawed out! “I could do porn,” I thought. [By “do”., I mean “watch” not “do”] He was happy. He went to bed for the next couple of weeks happy. But because I am a curious sort, I looked through his computer desk. Hey, he lied. So, I get to! I found what looked like to be a username/password. I wrote it down, went to my computer and did a google search with the username. Sure ‘nough, I got a hit. Swingin’ In OurTown! And I found a receipt to Lovers Package dated for Sept. of this last year, just a couple of months’ past, not the five years ago he said it was. NOW, I LOST IT! I threw something across the room. As it shattered, I yelled, “You liar!” I ran into the bedroom, turned on the lights where he was sleeping soundly and ripped the covers off him and down to the floor in one fell swoop. “You Asswipe LIAR!” “You are going to tell me everything or we are done NOW!” What are you talking about? He says. Really? You want to lie about this now! I woke him out of that dead sleep yelling like a crazy woman. Finally, he confessed he’d had a FWB* for the last 2 ½ years!! (*no, NOT an FWB, a GF. There’s a difference, more on that later) FUCKMYLIFE, BATMAN! Does this get any worse?????!!! Once again using the “you weren’t doing anything” catch all phrase, I stopped him mid-sentence. No! You don’t get to use that now. I thawed out! I became a #SexuallyAWakenedGirl! You got a #SexuallyAWakenedGirl now! Believe it or not, after more hysterics, we talked through it. He said he [well…they] had a plan if I ever found out; she offered him a place to stay. But because I “Thawed Out” it threw a wrench into that “InCaseShekicksMeOut”contingency plan. Though the idea was a tempting one, I did not want to simply toss him over to her like a ball in her court. Nosiree! I won’t say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind numerous times over the last few months, but 34 years is a lot of life lived together. We KNOW each other. Of course, there are highs and lows, but a genuine affection and respect exists for one another. He is my rock, and I am his light. He brings the logic; I bring the laughs. I wouldn’t say we “balance each other”, but we do kind of ‘right rudder” each other. So, I wasn’t going to give up easily. He said he would be willing to “just be friends” with her. [Note that he didn’t say he would stop seeing her.] He said that he actually liked having women as friends; in fact, he’s one of those guys that prefers women to men friends. [yeah, I knew that about him, yet I kept him from that early on in the marriage] He showed me the site…passion, let me browse through his profile and others. We talked more about his explorations, how this FWB happened, and how he liked dabbling ‘in the lifestyle’ overall. And though I was extremely hurt the new revelation, we even had more that night. Make up , what can I say? The next day I said, “Okay, I want to try it. I want to know what this site is all about.” So I signed up. Just to see. Very curious. Not really with the intent to follow-through, unless sufficiently persuaded  .I write my profile. Titled it SecondActNow., thinking that the Second Act will be better than the first…for US. In a total ironic twist, I thought this would add some needed spice to our marriage...or blow it to smithereens! For the next couple of nights, the hubs played photographer and took the pics for my profile. Now that was wicked fun! Never thought I would enjoy that, but I did. So I launched on 3/1/2020! I had/have no idea what this will be like for me. After all, online dating didn’t exist when I was single. This site is one Helluva way to break in to it, don’t ya think?! Stay tuned!  ~~~" Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." --Mary Oliver~~~ |
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…Throughout this time, I was a mess. I woke up every morning realizing I couldn’t breathe. I just couldn’t catch that first breath. I was scattered; aimless; completely unsure of what I was doing, where I was going, totally inadequate to form a whole thought and completely obsessed with his every movement. Though he said he wasn’t hooking up anymore, he would hide his phone. He would put windows down on his computer if I came into the room, and at that point I was too gutted to challenge it much. Week Three Had me looking through his desk one day. Found more “toys” and a receipt for a hotel stay at the beach. FUCK! He takes his hook up to the beach and not me!! Fuckity Fuck Fuck! This is right about the time we went to San Diego! Granted it was a fuckless trip at the time, but Fuck all the same! [*UPDATE: when I confronted him on this it turns out the receipts were actually FROM our fuckless San Diego trip! Oops! My bad!!] At this point my fight or flight response kicked in. I couldn’t stay in the house any longer. So I fixed myself up and took myself out. “Gotta learn to do this for myself now”. I didn’t want to be like my friends who were content to curl up with a good book each night. I wanted more than that. So, I went out. I danced, I drank new drinks, wrote some godawful poetry that sounded awesome at the time, and when the music was over, I couldn’t bring myself to go home. I went to our favorite karaoke bar, with George Michaels’ “Careless Whisper” running through my head. Of course, someone had to sing that song, badly. The DJ, a friend, couldn’t help but notice I was upset, but, I didn’t care. In fact, I don’t even know why I was there; it was just some place to go to that I knew. After that, I parked somewhere and slept in my car. Yeah, in that Mini Cooper [not recommended]. I just couldn’t make myself go home. The good news is, with all this going on, I started walking. Outside, by the water, it let me learn to listen more. Ocean. Birds. Creek. I loved it. I could meditate with it. The rhythm allowed me to clear my head and formulate questions. Lots of questions. Which aren’t bad things, really. I’ve always felt that knowledge is power. Questions lead to knowledge. I saw a counselor that week. I mean, I thought I couldn’t tell anyone…my friends really liked him and I didn’t want to man-bash him [is that a term anymore???] in front of them. This was our problem, not theirs and I didn’t want their anger and protectiveness for me to cloud any decisions I would make. I found a local counselor who did a free consult with me. She said her two takeaways for me were: 1. This is not my fault Really? But I was the one turned off, and closed up shop. Yes, you are the one who closed up, and you have to take responsibility for that, but if he would have come to you to discuss that he had needs that he may need to look outside the marriage in order to fulfill, it would have given you a chance to choose how to respond. You were never given a choice in this decision that can affect the entire family. 2. I am worthy of love. Easy statement to say; hard to realize. Even now… The counselor also said that what I was experiencing was likened to PTSD because a trauma had been inflicted on me. She said that I would experience a lot of highs and lows. And if I opted to not pursue counseling, to find a confidante that I trusted to confide in. I could not have agreed with her more. High and Low is right! I have done some wacky things of late. Tracked him, researched him online [TruthFinder.com – eye-opening], and started looking at porn. After my night of sleeping in the car, we started talking about the porn. Me confessing that it turned me on, and that had he come to me, I would’ve gotten therapy sooner. The porn did turn me on, that and the fact that other women had found him attractive! After all those years, OMG it was a miracle! I turned on for my husband! Truly I surprised myself. I became a: #SexuallyAWakenedGirl. Yes, miracles of miracles, the Ice Princess had thawed out! “I could do porn,” I thought. [By “do”., I mean “watch” not “do”] He was happy. He went to bed for the next couple of weeks happy. But because I am a curious sort, I looked through his computer desk. Hey, he lied. So, I get to! I found what looked like to be a username/password. I wrote it down, went to my computer and did a google search with the username. Sure ‘nough, I got a hit. Swingin’ In OurTown! And I found a receipt to Lovers Package dated for Sept. of this last year, just a couple of months’ past, not the five years ago he said it was. NOW, I LOST IT! I threw something across the room. As it shattered, I yelled, “You fucking liar!” I ran into the bedroom, turned on the lights where he was sleeping soundly and ripped the covers off him and down to the floor in one fell swoop. “You Asswipe Fucking LIAR!” “You are going to tell me everything or we are done NOW!” What are you talking about? He says. Really? You want to lie about this now! I woke him out of that dead sleep yelling like a crazy woman. Finally, he confessed he’d had a FWB* for the last 2 ½ years!! (*no, NOT an FWB, a GF. There’s a difference, more on that later) FUCKMYLIFE, BATMAN! Does this get any worse?????!!! Once again using the “you weren’t doing anything” catch all phrase, I stopped him mid-sentence. No! You don’t get to use that now. I thawed out! I became a #SexuallyAWakenedGirl! You got a #SexuallyAWakenedGirl now! Believe it or not, after more hysterics, we talked through it. He said he [well…they] had a plan if I ever found out; she offered him a place to stay. But because I “Thawed Out” it threw a wrench into that “InCaseShekicksMeOut”contingency plan. Though the idea was a tempting one, I did not want to simply toss him over to her like a ball in her court. Nosiree! I won’t say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind numerous times over the last few months, but 34 years is a lot of life lived together. We KNOW each other. Of course, there are highs and lows, but a genuine affection and respect exists for one another. He is my rock, and I am his light. He brings the logic; I bring the laughs. I wouldn’t say we “balance each other”, but we do kind of ‘right rudder” each other. So, I wasn’t going to give up easily. He said he would be willing to “just be friends” with her. [Note that he didn’t say he would stop seeing her.] He said that he actually liked having women as friends; in fact, he’s one of those guys that prefers women to men friends. [yeah, I knew that about him, yet I kept him from that early on in the marriage] He showed me the site…passion, let me browse through his profile and others. We talked more about his explorations, how this FWB happened, and how he liked dabbling ‘in the lifestyle’ overall. And though I was extremely hurt by the new revelation, we even had more sex that night. Make up sex, what can I say? The next day I said, “Okay, I want to try it. I want to know what this site is all about.” So I signed up. Just to see. Very curious. Not really with the intent to follow-through, unless sufficiently persuaded . I write my profile. Titled it SecondActNow., thinking that the Second Act will be better than the first…for US. In a total ironic twist, I thought this would add some needed spice to our marriage...or blow it to smithereens! For the next couple of nights, the hubs played photographer and took the pics for my profile. Now that was wicked fun! Never thought I would enjoy that, but I did. So I launched on 3/1/2020! I had/have no idea what this will be like for me. After all, online dating didn’t exist when I was single. This site is one Helluva way to break in to it, don’t ya think?! Stay tuned! ~~~" Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." --Mary Oliver~~~
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What ever floats your boat
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Your narrative brings to life a very relatable sexual conflict and the emotional turmoil it creates. Most impressive is the blending of intellectual engagement (the fruits of your detective work) and aesthetic perception (your sensual alertness). These often-independent thought processes converge on an *epiphany*, brilliantly captured as a visionary moment that transforms perception of your sexual nature. Bravo!
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That's quite the story babe. I hope he appreciates how Atypical you are, and that he better treasure his #SexuallyAWakenedGirl. Is the plan for you two to become a swinging couple, just each continue to do you own thing, or still being formatted? Small Town Tourism MovemberMens Health, on HNW Some Mindless Entertainment [post 3312759] My Private Blog - Tell Me ALL Your Secrets
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It's a great story passion, pain, sleeping in your car, learning more about yourself than you ever dreamed of necessity is the mother of invention of course, I always say, maybe, fat, dumb & happy is the way to go but, a little adventure in your life seems to have rejuvenated you hmm thanks for sharing Zero 7 - "Destiny" I lie awake, I've gone to ground I'm watchin' porn In my hotel dressing gown Now I dream of you but I still believe There's only enough for one in this lonely hotel suite The journey's long and it feels so bad I'm thinkin' back to the last day we had Old moon fades into the new Soon I know I'll be back with you I'm nearly with you, I'm nearly with you When I'm weak, I draw strength from you And when you're lost, I know how to change your mood And when I'm down, you breathe life over me Even though we're miles apart, we are each other's destiny On a clear day, I'll fly home to you I'm bendin' time and I'm gettin' back to you Old moon fades into the new Soon I know I'll be back with you I'm nearly with you, I'm nearly with you To leave private messages, please use my confidential mailbox at my blog: Good luck!!! 
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glad you are happy. welcome. have fun and enjoy.
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You write very well. I felt myself growing right along with you as I read, so good job on expressing yourself! This is a totally human story. It's such a pity, when we shut our minds to change. Kudos to you for opening yours! Also, I heard about this blog from CleavageFan4U. He is quite the fan, and he's been blogging here longer than most. A true BlogLand veteran, that one. blog on!
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...that was one helluva story.... and through the highs and lows.... guess what.... you surprised yourself and not only survived.... you broke through some of the stuff that had perhaps bogged you down... in this twisting landscape of human interactions, the physical aspects have so many different things hitting us from all sides... confidence, insecurities, familiar, strange.... all bubbling together at the same time... ...so the journey in front of you will not always be clear.... nor will it be straight forward.... but if you truly trust yourself.... you can take baby steps.... knowing that you can adapt and change your mind at any step... and it's all ok.... ...remember to have fun... we only live once.... carpe diem....
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...that was one helluva story.... and through the highs and lows.... guess what.... you surprised yourself and not only survived.... you broke through some of the stuff that had perhaps bogged you down... in this twisting landscape of human interactions, the physical aspects have so many different things hitting us from all sides... confidence, insecurities, familiar, strange.... all bubbling together at the same time... ...so the journey in front of you will not always be clear.... nor will it be straight forward.... but if you truly trust yourself.... you can take baby steps.... knowing that you can adapt and change your mind at any step... and it's all ok.... ...remember to have fun... we only live once.... carpe diem.... ~~~" Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." --Mary Oliver~~~
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...staying tuned.. same Bat time.. same Bat channel....
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