did you survive?
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Publié :26/12/2011 1h43
Dernière mise à jour :26/12/2011 16h34 6264 vues
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All right, Christmas has now passed, hopefully the family has left or is on their way out and life will return to normal and not to worry, glitter can be vacuumed up. Hahah
Oh I am not saying that family is not appreciated and loved - they are - in small doses. I love my family, all of them but seriously - it's nice to see them but nicer to see them go. 
I will miss them for a short while and then look forward to seeing them again on the next major holiday.
You do not have to agree and you may love having family around all the time. don't get me wrong, there are some of my family that I enjoy having around and some ... well some not so much.
Ahhhh well that's over ... on to New Years ...
Synner ~
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a little laughter ...
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Publié :23/12/2011 13h39
Dernière mise à jour :26/12/2011 1h34 6210 vues
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A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."
"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".
Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
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it just had to be done ...
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Publié :22/12/2011 14h52
Dernière mise à jour :26/12/2011 1h32 5764 vues
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this just reminds me of a few people on here ... I had to share it with everyone. Oh yes, you all know who you are too. 
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Is he even real?
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Publié :22/12/2011 13h49
Dernière mise à jour :23/12/2011 9h23 6201 vues
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Is there a Santa Claus? - a physicist view
Consider the following:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children ( persons under 18 ) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
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SANTAS PICK UP LINES
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Publié :22/12/2011 13h40
Dernière mise à jour :23/12/2011 13h18 5902 vues
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SANTA'S PICK UP LINES
I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!
Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
Ever make it with a big guy with a whip?
I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!
Some of my best toys run on batteries ... wink wink
I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
Care to sample some of Santa's special eggnog?
Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!
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HOLIDAY PRESS RELEASE ~
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Publié :22/12/2011 13h35
Dernière mise à jour :26/12/2011 1h35 5750 vues
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Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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tell me ...
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Publié :22/12/2011 13h25
Dernière mise à jour :26/12/2011 1h33 5537 vues
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does the clipart say it all ... or ... do I need to say / do more?
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is it true ...
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Publié :22/12/2011 13h23
Dernière mise à jour :22/12/2011 14h54 5347 vues
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10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
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A Christmas Carol ...
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Publié :22/12/2011 13h13
Dernière mise à jour :22/12/2011 13h20 5253 vues
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Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
The third man answered "They're Carol's."
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does this sound bad?
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Publié :22/12/2011 13h08
Dernière mise à jour :22/12/2011 13h09 5248 vues
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10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't ...
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
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WHY IS A ...
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Publié :22/12/2011 13h02
Dernière mise à jour :28/4/2024 12h47 5076 vues
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WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN
- A Christmas tree is always erect.
- Even small ones give satisfaction.
- A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
- A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
- A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
- A Christmas tree has cute balls.
- A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
- You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
- You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
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Assorted X-mas One-Liners
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Publié :22/12/2011 12h36
Dernière mise à jour :22/12/2011 12h37 5120 vues
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~ A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
~ Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"
~ I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
~ I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
~ No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.
~ No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!
~ The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
~ Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...
~ Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
~ What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
~ Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
~ What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
~ When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
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