Being hung like a horse has its uses ... lol
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Publié :23/3/2013 7h45
Dernière mise à jour :26/3/2014 3h44 13440 vues
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A horse and chicken are playing in a Meadow suddenly the horse falls in a mud hole and starts sinking, the horse told the chicken to run and get the Farmer to come and help to pull him to safety.
The chicken runs for the farmer, but he can’t find him anywhere. So he and another chicken grab the farmers Mercedes car and take it back to the mud hole, tie some rope around the horse and onto the bumper of the Mercedes. The chicken says Ok drive slowly forward and they saved the horse.
Some days later they were playing again in the meadow and the chicken fell into the same mud hole. The chicken shouts to the horse to get the farmer to help get me out, he says I think I can get you out and he stands over the mud hole and said right now grab hold of my cock and pull yourself up. The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.
The moral of the story is if your hung like a horse then you don’t need a Mercedes to pull chicks.
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Always make sure the door is locked !!
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Publié :16/12/2012 14h21
Dernière mise à jour :18/12/2012 7h27 14091 vues
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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.
The little boy says ''It's dark
in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''
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Fifty Shades of Grey - A "Poem"
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Publié :25/10/2012 11h55
Dernière mise à jour :11/2/2013 6h53 14915 vues
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Me missus bought a paperback Down town on Saturday,
I had a peep into her bag, 'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
Her left hand held a length of rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet a cuppla minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said:
That I must dominate her !!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You would see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there nude, just naked like,
Bent forward just a bit .....
I took a pace to brace meself
And stood on her left tit !
Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out!
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!"
Well readers, I won't tell no more
What happened on that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned “fifty shades of grey”.
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Chris .........
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Publié :22/10/2012 5h01
Dernière mise à jour :27/10/2012 8h40 14523 vues
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One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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Little boy and the worm ......
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Publié :22/10/2012 4h59
Dernière mise à jour :21/5/2024 6h4 14132 vues
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
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It's been a while but hope you think it was worth waiting .......
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Publié :21/10/2012 9h07
Dernière mise à jour :21/5/2024 6h4 14189 vues
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................ THE ZIPPER
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.' Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open..' He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door.' He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?'
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags
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Dave .......
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Publié :19/7/2012 12h33
Dernière mise à jour :26/10/2012 7h38 15400 vues
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says,
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"
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EMAILS
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Publié :7/7/2012 15h00
Dernière mise à jour :8/2/2013 9h02 15585 vues
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Why is it that people email, asking for a reply, when you go to reply they have opted not to receive messages. It's bl@@dy ridiculous ..... 
Can I just ask that anyone who messages me and requires a reply ..... make sure I am able to reply as I wouldn't like being accused of ignorance !!
Thank you 
Lacey
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Chinese Sex
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Publié :10/6/2012 5h10
Dernière mise à jour :8/7/2012 11h04 16004 vues
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While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
Having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
“Stupid American Docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need Amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”
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Little Old Lady In Court
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Publié :17/5/2012 5h32
Dernière mise à jour :8/7/2012 11h02 16047 vues
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Your honor, I am 86 years old.
So here I am,sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.
He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor.
Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
He yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch !
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COWBOYS AND LESBIANS
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Publié :17/5/2012 5h30
Dernière mise à jour :19/5/2012 14h58 16278 vues
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An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
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