ouch!
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Publié :3/6/2005 7h49
Dernière mise à jour :5/3/2006 21h27 4128 vues
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June 3, 2005....this day will remain in my heart forever...last night i found out someone i am very close with isnt exactly who they said they were. Im so hell bent on the truth and natural honest people i guess when i see a sign of genuine i guess i dont look for other signs. From jump i always felt it was too good to be true. I always thought if this is so good why is my heart still so troubled....i dont want to waste today going on and on about someone who has hurt me....and ouch it really hurts. i wonder why so hard, who knows...i gotta get something for a headache...i see why people want to drink their sorrows away...i see why getting a high could take away the feeling.....since i dont do either...i will take my hurt with a grain of salt...hoping i can find some water to clear my parched throat....
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june 2, 2005 another beautiful day
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Publié :2/6/2005 10h00
Dernière mise à jour :5/3/2006 21h27 5736 vues
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another random thought....you know the funny thing of having a cybe diary thats open to the public is sometimes a little frightening...most people feel like its best to get things off your chest...if you have someone to talk to then great but if you dont then something like this is a great outlet...the funny thing is i seem to be getting in the routine of how things work here. AH cyber world! the enivitable need to feel comfort from a computer screen...
today i just have a ton of things on my mind and dont even know where to begin as far as the details. so this will be a short one....I watched the sunrse from the backyard and it was beautiful...the woodpeckers were making thier mating calls and the red birds sang the mornng in....It was truely an admirable showcase of natural beauty and how could i not be happy to see that the world isnt as bad as it seems sometimes.....
To be capable of steady friendship or lasting love, are the two greatest proofs, not only of goodness of heart, but of strength of mind.
- William Hazlitt
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june is here (random thoughts)
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Publié :1/6/2005 14h23
Dernière mise à jour :5/3/2006 21h27 6166 vues
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this month i am going to make an effort to blog just some daily random thoughts. I am going to try to to keep them short seeing how i always have more than a mouthful to say....so pleae post something even if its just a symbol or a wow or a something....thanks for your time....
random thoughts for june 1,2005
today was a beautiful day, i got up around 530 am with a heavy desire for some msturbation action...since i have a limited supply of toys i opted out to use my fingers...wake up orgasms are the greatest...seeing how there were people in the house i kept my moans to a minimum. i must have has some pretty desirable dreams because i was already wet with erect nipples. it was an awesome feeling. after about a minute or two of light stroking, and teasing i probed deep in to my velvet sheath with one hand while teasing my clit with the other. i was already quivering and feeling that oh so familiar feeling in my toes. i decided that i had enough not wanting a full blown out orgasm...at least not yet. I went to wash my sticky fingers and mouth and decided to go on the routine of my day...i knew the plants hadnt been watered so i did... the last plant was a small aloe vera plant that had sprouted a new leg since the last watering... i was running low on water and as a spider took my attention away from the plant i stop pouring directly in the dish and it splashed from off the dish onto my thighs...this made the beast within rise her head...it sent shivers up my spine...this was just a little water now running slowly down to my knees...then it had been decided that i needed that orgasm after all...i was aroused by watering the plants....i knew that by giving in to the urge i would have to have at leat 3 orgasms in order for me to not be on the mental stimulation route...i mean i knew it was inevitable....i went on the porch to cathc the breath of mid morning to see that the skies were clear. I decided to go to the river and wathc the sun rise. it was so awesome...i didnt even put on any more clothes. i grabed a wrap and headed to the riverfront....it was awesome because i usually have a sopt i like to go. in private off in the back of the small island (belle isle) past the lighthouse...it was an awesome view and the waves agreed with the clear skies. as a breeze crept past my body i had tht shiver again that made that beast rise again...this time she wasnt going away...by the time the quiver reached my ankles i was already playing between my shorts. I was squeezing my breast and playing with my clit...i was amazed how freely i was playing because i had not scoped out if anyone was in the area...and i had only been there for 5 minutes. and i was already seconds from an orgasm....panting and gasping for air i could hear my pulse throb in my ears. the waves crashing against the shore line intensified the sensation i was feeling. The heat of the sun, the river breeze, all added to the pleasure i was feeling...faster and faster i only rubbed because i didnt want to be so messy...i was so wet i had to have just a taste. that made me squirm even more and the abscense of my fingers left my clit starving for more attention. returning with wet warm fingers made me think about how i longed for a beautiful tongue to replace my fingers. before i knew it i was convulsing and shaking...vaginal walls excreeting the juices of pleasures. oozing out...running down my under ass curve on to the wrap i am sitting on....coming back to my senses i realize the sun has risen above the water and the waves have calmed. The birds have chirped thier way into the morning light. My body relaxes a bit and my pulse returns back to normal. I have the biggest smile on my face because i just experienced something so beautiful...the sun rising to an orgasm... i try to get my thoughts back on my responsibilities for the day and i try to get up and my legs still shivered. I was feeling the after effect and the beast within decided that she wasnt done...being of a stronger mind i decided to tame the beast til i had more time to try and please her and go back home....
thinking back now on how good that felt this morning....i have no choice but to take a pause for the cause and give it another shot...while the house is still empty...maybe i will have some shower fun who knows...it might be better than this morning.
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crying???!!!
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Publié :12/5/2005 8h07
Dernière mise à jour :1/5/2012 19h18 5552 vues
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After a very frightening and very real incident with my father a few days ago i finally saw him cry. Not just a tear of sorrow...He cried like i do when i am releasing all the angry and negative things in my life (then i usually need some sleep or something extra positive to rejuvenate me because i have pushed all that built up energy out through tears). He was completely shaken and afraid that he had not given me the love and kindness a father should provide. He could barely speak because he was fighting real tears. If it were a movie he would have gotten a cool million for the scene alone!!! (not to compare the truth to a film production)
Society has played such a role in the idea of men being emotional creatures (meaning being able to express any feeling ~freely~ without judgment)
That brings me to my next question (s). Is it ok for guys to cry? or when (i should say) is it ok for them to cry? for what reasons? What do you do? How do you do it? I have been in a situation where a guy cried but it was because he lost a loved one. I didnt have to say anything, the fact i was there for him showed enough. Does it make them less of a person because they feel like they want to cry? i just want to know how you all felt on the topic of guys and crying.....so dont leave me on a limb here....i gotta know!!!!
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was i turned out or what????
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Publié :12/5/2005 12h40
Dernière mise à jour :7/7/2006 9h18 5770 vues
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I really cant say who he was but i can explain the situation...He was much older and i, younger of course! I had a grwoing attraction to him from the day i met him...he was always so polite, clean, always smelled great...never did he wear something i couldnt identify and i think that is how i got his attention...every time i saw him he asked if i could guess his cologne...he was very entertaining especially with his conversation and we had some very intense gazes...(i call them eye sessions)could
melt the north pole i swear...well being the work-a-holic i was at the time my birthday was approaching...he asked my boss for the day off for me so he could do something nice...i was completely thrown by the extent of his kind gestures...it was so very romantic...it was partially a fantasy i shared with him mixed with a little bit of his own Old World Charm. I thought i had to work just as any other day but when i got there i had a letter on my desk. There were instructions for me to follow....starting with calling my boss and telling her a special password...(it as "sunrise forever") and she said well that means i got the day off work and i could come back the next night to make up what i missed...the next
instruction was to go to my locker and the next steps would be there...i was thinking what a hoax...who is behind this and why me of all people...so i called my boss and told her
that i dont mind working and she screamed and hollered at me telling me to leave so i asked her what was going on and told her about the note on my desk...she said well just do
everything what is the harm...i knew then they were behind something...and i didnt know that...so i went to my locker and there was the most beautiful gown...with one red rose...and
a note. i was supposed to follow the petal trail to get the next clue...it was simply funny and i didnt know what to do...so i didnt put the dress on just carried it to a trail that took me around in a circle...i passed several people
i knew and they just laughed, wouldnt tell me anything...when i got back to my locker, there was another rose and a pair of shoes that i had been admiring for a few weeks...so i knew
something was up...the next step was for me to go to my car...when i got there, there was a limo in front of my car and of course
i didnt pay it no mind...i tried to get to my car but the limo was just too close so when i went to tell the driver to move it was a familiar face...an old business partner who just
asked me to get inside no questions asked i didnt want to....i knew he wasnt a bad person but i still didnt know what was going on...and he was so frustrated that i wasnt dressed...i
had a photo shoot with a few friends the day before so i was still "dolled up" just in casual clothes...so he agreed to move and the note on my car asked me to please just go through with the exercise...with another red rose...so
i got in my car and decided that i wasnt up for games and tried to leave but before i could get to the exit out of the structure the limo driver had a message for me...it was my boss threatening my job if i didnt participate...it was too funny...she said lots of people worked hard so i can have a good time i better have one!!!!it was too funny...so i went back inside
and got dressed...(the gown fit every curve and was just the right length)when i went to board the limo there was 6 roses there with another note...telling me to get in the limo and go to the lighthouse (at belle isle..small island
that separates detroit from canada). I knew something was up because the lighthouse was my favorite place to go...just to be alone...so when i got as close as i could(a good 5 minute
hike from the streets) there was a red carpet rolled out laced with all kinds of flower petals...it was extra romantic...when
i got there there was a chair with candles all around...not too breezy so most of them stayed lit...under the chair was a very romantic poem along with more instructions...i was to close my eyes and wait for my knight in shining armor...and if he didnt come after 5 minutes go back to the limo...well he didnt show...the note on the window of the limo was for me to go to the pier maybe prince charming would be there...so i went...still no sign of him there was a tape recorder there with a few happy birthdays from friends and co-workers saying i better have all details at work tomorrow...im
like details of what im on a goose hunt!!!!when i got back to the limo i was asked to be blindfolded...ok they were really pushing me so i didnt agree...so the limo driver called BOB(we will call him....BOB for now)and told him
i wasnt up for the blindfolding part. i tried to get the phone from him and told him just to take me back to the office...before we left Bob showed up, he thought we were having car trouble...which i explained to him we were not..he laughed it off and said he would take me back...i felt so ashamed...but greatful that i ran into someone i knew...he thought i looked beautiful and didnt want to waste a good evening...and decided to take me to a "special place." he knew the operators of the aquarium and we went there...when i noticed the flowers
and card it hit me that it was bob the whole time...candles marked our path (its a tiny place but decent)and the note said i wish all your days can be full of laughter and happiness
and i meleted into a pool of sunshine!!!!No one had ever went to such length just to get a smile on my face...i was covered in tears it was so nice....there was light music playing in the background and we danced...it was so beautiful...he said he cooked a great dinner so we went back to his place and it was just incredible...candles everywhere...the
aromas, the everything i was so impressed...we never had a convesation outside work..i assumed he was with someone...who wouldnt want a man like that!!!but he wasnt...we ate...sat
by the fire and talked til at least 8 in the morning...i held him, he held me, it was so great...we went on at least 4 dates before the idea of physical intimacy was ever brought up...talk about making love...we made delicious!!! I have yet to ever be so stimulated, so aroused, so intoxicated by bliss...it was amazing...and thats putting it lightly...I loved the kind of person he was...he always knew the right words to say and he loved me. I never had to question that...he died but still lives in my very soul....i miss him reatly
but appreciate the love he had for me. it made me realize that settling for something less than i deserve let alone want would never happen...I am sure that i will find love again but if not agian...i have already had a lifetime of
memories....and i am just happy with that....so i guess i was more than turned out..... since then my satisfaction had to be turned down a notch...i guess i was looking for him in someone else...and that didnt really work...i learned
alot about people and myself....if thats being turned out then i need to try that more often....
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the perfect date
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Publié :23/4/2005 23h09
Dernière mise à jour :5/3/2006 21h27 5525 vues
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It has been so long since i have been on a date i would settle for a walk around the block...(seriously)a real date its been too long....so after heavy thought, the perfect date would last for at least 9 hours. Lets say my date arrived to pick me up(with flowers of course{if not flowers a cute gesture of affection}i have an old school heart so old-fashioned mixed with a little 21st century hotness is what i like) at around 5 pm. we head for the theater and scope out the newest movies...pick a latter time and head for the mall for some time wasting...we window shop and i indulge and buy another pair of shoes i dont need, a book or two(that was on sale) or support the booths and buy some oils..or candles. We talk while we sip a beverage(if its warm lemonade or a shake or something cool, if its cold then tim hortons or starbucks it is!)we leave for a decent restaurant...dont have to be a five star place just not the ninety-nine cents menu at wendy's. we have just enough time to get to the show 20 minutes early for more intense conversation and if the cards are jacks or bettter a quick, well needed and deserved make out session...just some sensual kissing..teasing and what not..(so bring your tic tacs or certs or whatever your flavor)great movie...loud and action packed, full of plot twist, mystery and the guy who always gets the girl...and the after play-during the credits, we figure out the next move...call it a night or hang like wet clothes?...so the park or riverfront is the best selection and some deep heavy mind stimulating conversations brew and before we know it, there in each others arms, breathing the still of the night the sun peaks through and as it rises, the idea of being out all night eases our minds because it was well worth it. not to mention extremely romantic!!! (nothing more sexual than harmless kisses)(ADULTS CAN CONTROL THEMSELVES IF THEY WANT TO!!!)The drop off is so much easier than the pick up because the feeling of rejection is gone and the feeling of hope and a new found respect for another human being is found with the promising look for a future meeting. Tired eyes say goodbye, for now and the smile of satisfaction implants itself on my face as my day starts over and my dates smile shows as the sunrise guides him on his way to start his day!
a bit dramatic but very much detailed....perfect for me!!!!just wait til sex is actually involved...then you would stary to wonder why i even look for a person when i have my mind to think such thoughts(HA)...(i know because if i can write it down you better believe its that much more exciting in one on one action)
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Best-friends?
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Publié :17/4/2005 17h03
Dernière mise à jour :5/3/2006 21h27 5228 vues
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Why is it so hard for people to accept that men and women cant be friends....all my life i had a best friend that was a guy...we never crossed the just friends line. in respect for one another the issue never bothered us. i think we tried harder just to prove a point. I still think we could have saved each other a lot of heartaches... but it still would have not been right. I do believe that it can be difficult for ex-lovers to be friends...especially if things ended on a rough note...the bitterness of the truth...the revenge...the i told you so...well the battle of the sexes will always last i am sure but for some...some there can be exceptions. Men and women can be friends....they can be best friends!
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IM TOO EMBARRASED!!!????
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Publié :17/4/2005 16h52
Dernière mise à jour :5/3/2006 21h27 5453 vues
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Well it started a while back, we chatted, shared laughs, very intense thoughts...we met, everything was nice. as usual i had my butterflies. he had his confidence and self esteem...the fact that he made a woman feel...anything, i admired his strength and he had a brain, he was sexy. no-SEXY! One major flaw. He was heart broken once upon a time and he lived a life to not feel that way again. At any cost. He didnt want to be in anything serious because he had a heavy load already. he was just looking for companionship. Harmless right? Well i thought that too. we went to the opera, we walked along the river front, we ate out, i cooked, he cooked, there was a grand friendship brewing. He was very neglected on the passionate side...Hell we both were. it had been a long while since the either of us had been intimate. Everything was perfect...he was honest, decent, did i mention sexy. We agreed to go further with our friendship-Get sexual. it was a great night...we had dinner, a movie, we walked in the park, talked, laughed, we were careless. We went back to my place and had a great time. Rose petal bath, sticky kitchen-raid-the-fridge foreplay, hot steamy oral in the shower and more than a few rounds in the sack!! It was incredible. When we watched the sunrise that morning naked in the window, he was holding me and felt like it was the greatest thing to him. he proposed to me! Now we had been talking for at least 6 months. I was shocked, i guess i froze up because when i came back to my senses he was gone. i tried calling for the next week, left a few messages. He wrote me a letter stating that he had comittment issues and he had never been married and thought we were so great together he decided to want everything. I tried to explain my committment issues and he said he knew when i didnt have an answer it would never happen. I was just too chicken i guess to say even no....i was really embarrased because i was still speechless. I dont know i had everything to say and nothing came out. I still talk to him every blue moon he got married. He tried to drown his sorrows in the bar with alcohol and some server saved him and now they have a family. he asked me just the other day would i have said yes and guess what...i still didnt have an answer!!!!
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the truth is out there!
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Publié :16/4/2005 22h21
Dernière mise à jour :5/3/2006 21h27 5319 vues
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i sometimes believe that once you have shattered and broken into a million pieces you just cant get any worse than that...however i was wrong. As bitter and blunt as the truth can be it is sometimes hard to see what life is like with the truth. Why is it so hard for people to tell it? Why do i feel like i am in the wrong for telling the truth? being honest? i just dont understand why some people even try to justify a lie. who said it was ok for us to not speak the truth? Havent our parents(or parental figure)ever said always tell the truth? what happens when the truth is just too hard to understand?
**Mentally frustrated woman here...just want to know the TRUTH!
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what is real?
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Publié :16/4/2005 22h16
Dernière mise à jour :20/10/2006 14h58 5369 vues
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i have this topic in one of my groups but for those who arent in the group you get to see what i talk about.
I know everyone see messages or post from guys and gals alike saying, i am looking for something real well my question is what is real? everyone might have a different definition for it..
REAL IS SOMEONE WHO CAN BE THEMSELVES NO MATTER WHO IS AROUND...REAL IS SOMEONE WHO DOESNT NEED TO HIDE BEHIND SOME MASK BECAUSE THEY CANT "DEAL" WITH SOCIETY...REAL IS SOMEONE WHO WALKS, TALKS, EATS, HAVE SEX, AND DONT HAVE SEX (THOSE WHO BREATHE JUST LIKE ME)...NO MATTER WHAT COLOR, HOW TALL, SHORT, BIG-BONED, THIN, HEAVY OR WHATEVER, REAL IS SOMEONE WHO HAS A FREE SPIRIT, A GOOD HEART, A PLAN FOR A BETTER LIFE....REAL IS SO HARD TO FIND....BUT NOT HARD TO BECOME....
I say all this because i feel like it gets harder everyday, wherein the hell are all the real people! People that laugh, cry, sing, dance, and live for life....smile and can have a happy
day in amist of grey skies....i am looking..better believe...i am. looking for people who are "not made up" or "still human." they will be lost if we all throw in the towel and give up....you want real, just be
yourself...real people tend to shed light on others...be an example of good humanity and show others its ok to be themselves...real
is good!
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to love someone vs. being in love with someone
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Publié :16/4/2005 11h31
Dernière mise à jour :20/10/2006 14h57 5560 vues
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To love or be in love.
I will always love pralines and cream ice cream.
I will always be in love with determination to make something of my life.
I will forever love my parents.
I will forever be in love with my best friend.
I can go on until i have explained every aspect of my life...(trust me i wont) i will say, since my brain has started to develop i have realized this one thing. Love is under-rated. Its power, its meaning, all taken for granted. Misused, abused, neglected. A mother who can walk away from her child, a husband who lies in the bed of a stranger and goes home to his wife without a heavy heart, a love-struck man without the confidence to show his appreciation(the fear of rejection)....Love has this hold on life...good and bad....Yes people mistake lust for love all the time. Could it be that the lust was derived from a love once held??? a longing to feel that way again? that brings me to my next question: how much influence does love have on lust?
I have had the opportunity to be in love with a man. A salt to my pepper, the night to my day, the outside to my in...It was the greatest thing in the world. When i first saw him time stopped and my place in this world was with him. he was my adventure, my security, my unexplained feeling that truly defines love. the unexplained. I experienced something so powerful, so moving. I knew it was love. yes i was in love so for me there was no difference. i was in love with love! He was killed by a drunk driver who had 4 offenses and a suspended license. My spirit was killed that day, and still i strive to regain what i once had. the emotions, the feelings, the depth of my character. for a while i believed that if someone loved that man he would have never been drunk driving around. I miss the physical being but his words and love will remain with me forever. With my bestfriend (whom i have known since diapers), the connection i share with him is deep. He is the brother of brothers....(my brothers were cool but he was a much better listener)he always had an open heart for me. Even now his wife still dont understand why we connect so. (she isnt jealous just amazed-which is good!!)I have always loved him. I didnt realize that i was in love with him until he helped me through my crisis...he was my strength when all i had was doubt. Talk about a friend!!!! there isnt much difference between being in love and loving someone. I do know that you have to love them to be in love. When you learn to love someone, its not just settling or coming short. its patience, its non-judgement, it is total acceptance-flaws and all. (i learned to love myself. It wasnt instant. It wasnt just there. I had to figure it out. Loving someone taught me alot. It showed me boundaries of myself, it showed that its always ok for me to be me!!!Falling in love made me realize that i was crazy to let someone have such a hold on me...on my life that i was willing to go to monumental heights just to prove such!!!!and you know...it felt good. when i really think about...i shouldnt shelter my heart and risk it all....just to feel that way. But then the questions come back. Why does love fail? (well marriages) when is love lost? when the respect is gone, the laughter will follow...whats life without laughter? life without all that is good, earnest, kind....What about the idea that love hurts and it dont? Love hurts when you have a child(temper tantrum teenagers) you seem frustrated with(lack of communication). Love hurts when you can realize your partner, lover, significant other is slipping away. It doesnt hurt when you realize you are in bliss. i dont know i think i just confused myself all over again....being in love with someone is like seeing the sunrise for the first time...having butterflies all the time and feeling free at every turn of the page...loving someone is respecting the sacrifices, appreciating the effort and satisfied, even with the short comings.
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