The Best?
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Publié :12/4/2007 5h44
Dernière mise à jour :2/7/2008 9h05 6454 vues
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The munch had ended in the usual way,
with good friends saying their good-bye's in the
parking lot.
The Doms and subs each bidding the other farewell,
with exchanged number, hugs and soft knowing smiles.
No clues for an outsider to spot.
There were a few new faces to be found this time.
A couple of the type the old Doms knew too well.
Vanilla's out looking for quick easy sex.
The sort that in an instant you could smell.
They had been identified, tolerated, and closely
watched.
The subs had been warned and scurried away.
But as they left, one had to shoot off his mouth,
and to say to his friend that which he ought not to
say.
"Did you get a load off the one guy's sub?
Talk about a load of fat.
I half expected her to moo.
I thought that subs were supposed to be thin,
You know, easy on the eyes.
Is that the best that guy could do?
The sub heard the words, as did her Master.
And she knew that this insult He would not abide.
She raised her head to the stars above,
and prayed this night would not end in homicide.
She watched Him approach them silently from behind,
Unheard as they continued to laugh and rail.
And as He reached out and grabbed each, by the scruff
of the neck, she wondered if there was enough money in
the bank to cover His bail.
"The best I could do?" He said with a snarl in His
voice.
As He held their heads tight in the crook of each arm.
You see only the body, I, the woman within,
and you should be grateful, for that woman wishes,
that I do you no harm."
"The worth of a submissive is the fire of her soul.
The service...the submission...the love.
Yet you would defile that flame with cheap tawdry jokes?
I tell you, you know nothing of what you speak of."
"You came to this gathering in search of quick kinky sex.
Not knowing or caring what else there may be here to find.
But a submissive is a gemstone, a pearl beyond price.
And her submission is not in her body, but in her heart, soul and mind."
"Now leave this gathering, this family of Leather and love.
And bother us no more of your ignorance and lies.
Be thankful that you leave with your tails tucked and fully intact.
But first to my sub, you shall apologize."
They quickly did as He bid to the teary eyed sub.
With the little her Master allowed them in the way of breath.
They realized their words had touched a raw open nerve.
And save for her wishes, this night they may well have
met with their deaths.
As they roared away, into the dark of the night,
That same family of Leather stayed to insure that all
was as it should be.
The Doms in their Leathers, the subs by their sides.
Proudly together in a special and eternal way.
"They were right, my pet, about one thing. But to them
it was cast as pearls before swine.
A tiny glimmer of truth, which they could not see.
That you should know, if I am to call you mine."
"What truth, My Master?" said the still teary eyed sub.
As He held her head tight upon His chest.
For she knew that whatever storms may come her way,
In His arms she could find safety and rest."
Her Master turned to their friends, all still gathered round.
As He said, "I say this not just to her, but to all of you.
This woman that I hold...that I cherish, and love...
They were right...She is the BEST that I could do." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Communication - the soul of D/s
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Publié :9/2/2007 4h48
Dernière mise à jour :12/11/2007 10h01 5980 vues
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Once, several years back, I asked a submissive friend who I had been Mentoring to tell Me from her perspective about communication in a D/s relationship. Some of the points made in her very thorough answer I had not to that point considered. The answer is posted below for D and s alike to consider. The internalization of these points isn't as easy as the reading thereof, but is worth the effort IMO.
We all hear about the importance of communication in relationships. It happens in every
relationship, even when we think it doesn’t. Why is this such an important aspect for
relationships? There are so many ways that the very basic, taken for granted, often trivialized
idea of good communication is vital. When it is present, it isn’t usually commented on, even to
the point of potentially being taken for granted. Not talking is so talked about at times, that other,
possibly deeper issues are left undiscussed. This could be a masking of true problems, and is
blamed for relationships breaking up sometimes, when in reality it could be a symptom rather
than the cause. What do I mean by good communication though? Talking is good isn’t it?
Discussing issues is always positive, right? Well....
What are some elements of good communication? Well, some are fairly obvious. There has to be
all three elements present - sender, message, and receiver. Mis-communication happens when
one or more of these elements is interfered with. Good communication happens when the
message is sent and received clearly, so simply discussing an issue won’t always be positive by
any means. One person may state explicitly what was meant, but the other person hears
something totally different than what was intended, and vice versa. Why is this important in a
D/s relationship, possibly even more than in a vanilla one? One possible reason may be the
defined roles and expectations in D/s relationships. The accountability that happens because of
these roles and expectations requires open, honest, total communication to take place, there are
no substitutes.
Open, honest, total communication is non-negotiable. Open communication, to me, means
feeling free to express whatever needs to be expressed, no matter the topic. Openness requires
that there be no taboos. Now, does this mean that from the very beginning of a relationship total,
honest answers to any question asked should be given? No, a very emphatic no. Just as you
wouldn’t disclose all your deeply personal thoughts and feelings to a stranger you met on the
street, so you shouldn’t answer any question someone who calls himself Dom asks, simply
because you are asked. How do you keep from answering without shutting communication off
totally and completely? Well, the words “I am not comfortable answering that right now” are
usually effective, respectful, and also keep open the possibility that, if the relationship develops
in a positive manner, you will answer sometime in the future. You should also understand that
the reverse is also true. Not every one of your questions will be answered either. The way refusal
to answer questions is worded and communicated is a very important thing to consider when
thinking about continuing to talk with someone. Why? Because communication is how you know
a person’s thoughts and feelings. If rudeness is exhibited, it says something about that person. If
respect, it says something different. And if deeply personal questions are asked out of simple
curiosity too soon into a relationship, then that also says a lot about the person doing the asking.
But when should you start discussing some things that you don’t necessarily feel comfortable
discussing? This one is subjective to a huge degree, because trust doesn’t develop between
different people at the same rate. No one can tell you that after 2 months he should know x
number of things about you, or you’re being evasive. But be aware that you have a responsibility
to evaluate your trust level occasionally, especially if you have put off answering things he feels
are important for him to know. This is a fine line, of course, and very subjective as I said before.
Seeing someone else make himself vulnerable to you will go a long way to build trust in him,
trust which enables you to become vulnerable yourself. If you have someone who doesn’t want to
open up to you, but asks deeply personal questions of you with the expectation that you reveal
things to him that you don’t feel comfortable doing, then you should consider the communication
between the two of you as not open, therefore not good communication.
Within the D/s world, open communication does mean that there are no taboo subjects. Trust and
respect are of paramount importance, and trust can only be built through communication. With
no trust, there can be little respect as well. So eventually, things that we don’t want to discuss
must be discussed. Note my deliberate use of the word eventually. Don’t jump into disclosing too
much too soon, or expecting too much too soon. These types of expectations turn potential
relationships into train wrecks just waiting to happen. Don’t derail what might be a good
friendship, if not more, by having expectations set far too high.
I’m going to use an example from my own life. I have a friend, a Dom, with whom I have a very
deep, very special friendship. To begin with, our friendship was nowhere near this deep though.
We have known each other almost two years, and I still say things like “I’m not sure I want to say
this”, or “How can I word this so it doesn’t come out the wrong way?”. His response? “Just say
it, this is Me you’re talking to.” He’s right. Our friendship has developed gradually, yet
persistently, to the point that there are no taboo subjects. This did not happen overnight, but it did
happen through increasing willingness to become vulnerable, to risk rejection, on both parts.
What did I just say? Risk rejection? How could my very good, long term friend ever reject me?
Well, I reject myself much of the time, why wouldn’t He? Talking about subjects that are very
difficult is not an easy thing to do. Each of us sometimes says things like “if I were in her shoes I
wouldn’t accept this or that”. But would we? Do we? Think of someone you are very close to. Is
there anything about that person that would make you stop being his/her friend? We should trust
the bonds of a relationship enough to realize that these feelings go both ways. If something needs
to be discussed, then bring it up when you feel the time is right. Yes, you will fear being rejected.
We all do. If your relationship is strong, you won’t be though. This type of communication will
only help it grow stronger.
You’ve decided that openness in communication is a good thing, yet will take it very slow in
some things. Very good. Now, what if you’re asked something you don’t mind sharing, but
maybe not the full story? Or maybe you could shade it a little so that you are always seen in a
more positive light than you might be seen? Just a little bit dishonest, I understand. But
dishonesty is something that shouldn’t happen within the parameters of a D/s relationship. For
instance, you’re asked about certain medical conditions. He asks if you have any allergies. You
have had asthma attacks in the past related to allergies, but haven’t had one in three years, so you
don’t mention it. Something in the place you meet to scene triggers an allergic reaction leading to
an asthma attack. You weren’t honest when you told him no allergies, so he is unprepared. Not a
good situation. This also applies to emotional things as well. Trust can’t develop where there is
dishonesty, or that the communication between two people isn’t open and honest in all ways.
Even if it involves saying and hearing things that hurt. Maybe especially then, I’m not sure.
One of the most fabulous places in the world for me is subspace. It is a treat for me to
experience, believe me. But for me to get there requires a great deal of trust on my part, and on
the Dom’s part to be able to take me there. Trust only happens when there is good
communication. Nothing can be held back or altered. If I have a problem with role playing, then I
have an obligation to say that I do, and when the trust is established enough and I want to, then to
say why I do. He can’t know about things role playing might trigger in my past unless I tell him,
can he? And since I am nowhere near as experienced as he is, then he might realize some other
activities I should not be put in the position to experience - things that might trigger reactions
that I didn’t expect. Communication won’t solve every problem that a relationship could
potentially have, but it will go a long way towards minimizing them.
Now, you think you’re a good communicator. You could very well be. But what if there is
someone with whom you can’t seem to find the right method of getting your thoughts across the
way you intended them? Clarity of the words used is a good thing to focus on. What you say and
what he hears may be totally different, even if half creation would understand your meaning
using the words you used. Whose fault is that? Who cares? Learn to restate and move on, rather
than focusing on the mis-communication happening. Be clear and precise. Get a thesaurus. Ask
him to “parrot” back to you what you said to check for understanding or where
misunderstandings are happening. If even one small area is questionable, clarify it. One small
clarification may be all it takes to prevent this type of thing from happening in the future.
Precision is important as well. Speak to the point. Chasing rabbits is fun, it can make for
interesting conversation when communication isn’t about issues, but it is counterproductive to
effective communication as a whole.
Clarity and precision also come into play when discussing scenes, and scene-related issues.
When he says ‘flogging’ what do you hear? When you say ‘breast torture’ what does he hear?
Some things must be discussed clearly and precisely, and blunt terminology usually helps to
accomplish that. Sometimes one must use terms that aren’t present in every day speech. Some
BDSM terms aren’t always clear, or we may THINK we know what something is, but aren’t sure.
If you’re not sure, ask. If the wording is vague, ask for clarification, even if it means rewording
what you think is being said, using blunt language. Some things are far too important to leave to
chance. Safe words might be considered the ultimate BDSM communication tool, how can you
trust that it will be heard and heeded if other communication isn’t happening?
We’ve discussed some characteristics of good communication, and touched on its importance,
but exactly why is it considered a vital aspect of relationships? How and why can good
communication promote a D/s relationship? Well, first of all, because of the roles, expectations,
and accountability present in this type of relationship - more well defined than in other types of
relationships - good communication can’t be taken for granted, nor can it stop with longevity of a
relationship. Individuals aren’t static, we are all constantly growing and changing. Individuals
make couples. If individuals change, those changes must be constantly communicated for
relationships to grow and change. Relationships aren’t static either, as each person develops, so
should the relationship. This can only happen through communication, there is no substitute.
With healthy, productive communication comes healthy, positive relationships. I am not saying it
is easy, because it isn’t. So many times frustration sets in, and communication is blocked even
more. It is when both people have a sincere desire to improve communication, and make it top
priority, that improvements can be made. The results are tremendous, and very easily seen. And it
is so very well worth it.
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How does a sub know? or at least cut the odds?
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Publié :7/2/2007 7h00
Dernière mise à jour :28/7/2009 8h37 6453 vues
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Something from the past..still applies to discerning the reality of Dom/me prior to r/t meeting and such.. This was done for Me by a good friend by request and is something worth reading IMO
One of the most important things that brand new submissives are told before meeting with a
Dominant, even for coffee or a lunch, is to be careful, to make sure that safety measures are in
place. Many subs are inundated with thoughts of safe calls, making sure that their whereabouts
are known, no play at first meeting - and each of these is very important. But what should a new
sub who has never met a Dominant learn about that Dom before meeting? What might be some
indicators that a meeting shouldn’t take place at all? How can a submissive discern the sincerity
of a Dominant? These aren’t easy questions to answer. The answers aren’t easy to follow through
on. Many of us are trusting people by nature, or we are searching so diligently and in such a
focused manner that we tend to see only what we want to see. Red flags can be overlooked or
excused. Things that we know we should do, we don’t do. Most of us are very concerned about
not hurting feelings, therefore don’t question. Some of may even think we have no “right” to -
they are Dominants, after all, right? Right....or maybe not.
I would like to give an example of red flags overlooked that caused pain. There are several I
could say, but one really stands out in my mind. As an extremely submissive sub, I long to be
controlled, and have a tendency to give control far too soon, far too easily. I know all the things I
am writing here, yet am still learning, through painful experience, the value of these lessons. This
particular man spoke just the way I needed to hear at that point in time. My submission rose so
strongly that I was determined to meet him no matter what. The people in my support system
didn’t know until the day I planned to meet him that such a meeting would take place. They had
no chance to discuss with me things that I should have heeded but didn’t. One huge red flag that I
didn’t heed was that this man hesitated strongly to give me personal info for a safe call to have.
He refused at first, and only when I said the meeting wouldn’t take place without it did he give it
to me. I wouldn’t have said that had my safe call person not said that he wouldn’t be my contact
without that information. We met, we played, we did not enjoy it yet this man “claimed” me as
his sub. He told me to stay out of the chat room I frequent. He wanted to know who I chatted
with online. He wanted my password to a site where I have a profile so that he could monitor
responses. Some of these things aren’t unheard of, may not be unreasonable, but were in this
case. We chatted all of two weeks before meeting, and had already had major issues develop,
issues which I ignored so that I could meet him. Almost everything I will discuss here, I ignored.
I ended up confused, hurt, and whining to my friends about this situation, one which could have,
and SHOULD have been avoided.
Sadly enough, many people who categorize themselves as Dominant simply aren’t. They may
have dominant personalities, but may be domineering rather than the respectful, caring person we
wish they all were. So how can brand new subs tell the difference? How can subs know when to
stop communicating with someone because things just “aren’t right”? In my experience, one of
the best and most effective ways is to ask, ask, ask. Ask other Dominants, other submissives, if
they know the person you’re talking with and getting to know. Ask their opinions. Don’t as
gossipy type questions, or you’ll get gossip for answers. Ask questions designed to help you learn
the type of person you are talking with. Reputation is so very important in this life, especially
nowadays when so many meet each other in the impersonal online realm. And if one’s reputation
is tainted, you will eventually find out. But what if “eventually” doesn’t happen soon enough?
What if asking others about reputation isn’t enough?
There are other things you need to ask. First, ask the person you’re talking with for references.
This is one thing that is sometimes discussed, but seldom followed up on. Why is this so very
important? If someone can’t provide the name of at least one person who will talk with you
about personality, Dom style, play style, things you need to know about before meeting, then you
should be suspicious. Privacy is important, yes. But most in this life realize that safety is more
important. Getting references is only half the step though - you MUST check the references.
Having names without checking them out is like stepping up to the plate without a bat. It
accomplishes nothing. And there are some people out there who count on references not being
asked for or checked. Please be the one that breaks that mold for them, that exposes them, if you
get into communication with one of that type.
Ok, so you’re talking with this person. You’ve asked others about reputation, you’ve obtained
and checked references. You’re safe. There are no other things for you to consider. Except for
things you can pick up on yourself, you’re absolutely right. What can you see for yourself that
others can’t really help you with? Lots of things, actually. I recently asked this question in a chat
room I frequently, and some of the thoughts expressed were very interesting. Honest people are
consistent people. If you keep hearing conflicting, confusing responses, question them. If you
don’t get satisfactory answers, that is a huge red flag about this person. Red flags are called that
for a reason. They are easily seen when a train is on a track, indicating trouble ahead.
Relationship red flags do the same, indicate trouble.
A frequent indicator of trouble is the tendency for those insincere or inexperienced "Doms" to
attempt to isolate the subs they talk with, sometimes, surprisingly, almost from the beginning. If
you talk with someone who wants to cut off your access to others, or asks you to give up friends
or resources, you have to question why. What purpose does it serve for you to not have other
friends, a support system or sources for information and advice outside the relationship? Who
would you be totally dependent upon for emotional support then? Is that healthy? Is that
something you need, crave, desire? In a “vanilla” relationship, we would say that this is a jealous,
possessive person who wants to control someone. In a “vanilla” relationship, this would be
considered abusive. Guess what. It is the same in D/s. This is something that should give great
pause if it is happening in a relationship you are in, or are thinking of beginning.
How does this person talk about others in the lifestyle, whether Dom or sub? Is there always
respect shown or sometimes disrespect? Does this person become an “authority” on every subject
discussed? Do you constantly hear how “real” this person is, and given examples as to why? A
lot of times the examples of “realness” follow your describing previous relationships - this serves
a dual purpose. First, it causes you to question your ability to choose partners. Second, it is seen
as a way to make others seem less, therefore building themselves up. Life doesn’t work that way.
Dominants don’t need to prove their sincerity, it becomes apparent with repeated contact.
What are some other red flags? Well, some comments I heard in a chat room which I frequent
were pretty specific. “major red flag - He can only call you, you can't call Him”; “he asks you for
you picture and name but fails to offer his or hers”; “he drops names and you know the folks and
he doesn’t but says he does”; “if he wants to meet you someplace away from his home area and
not in public”; “ok, he tells you not to tell anyone that you are exchanging emails and im's is a
red flag”; “Many Dom/mes have the nasty habit of belittling other people's technique.” These are
comments from experienced Dominants as well as submissives. This is good advice. This is tried
and true advice. Heed it.
So, after talking about certain things to be on the lookout for regarding talking with Doms, red
flags if you will, can we say that if none of these is noticeably present that the person is sincere?
Not necessarily. What are things that happen naturally with sincere Doms? Well, a Dom will
freely volunteer information, personal information. He will recognize that this is a common sense
safety measure and will have your safety on his mind. From the beginning, he will be consistent
in his thoughts and ideas, and his statements and actions will reflect that. He will be respectful of
you, will not expect instant submission/obedience to him. He will freely admit his mistakes and
will accept respectfully given, constructive remarks about him. He will accept responsibility for
his actions and decisions, and recognize that there are always consequences for them whether
positive or negative. He will take the time to earn trust and respect and not demand it from the
beginning. I hope that one thing comes through here - the aspect that time will tell. Time is all
that will tell you how sincere a Dom is. How much time? Who knows? But no matter how big a
hurry we get into, isn’t it so much better to wait for genuineness than to settle and be hurt? Doms
won’t rush things. Why should we, or why should we want them to?
To close, I would like to give a scenario describing how a newbie sub can and should go about
interaction with a Dom before meeting him. First, more impersonal interaction is in order. There
should be no sharing of deep dark secrets or fantasies from the very beginning, by either party.
Get to know one another on a friend level is vital for success, I believe. You won’t feel pressured
or rushed, or feel as if you’re competing for him as a Dom. He won’t feel that you’re so desperate
to submit that you would submit to anyone who called himself Dom. During conversation, you’ll
look for inconsistencies, and know that he is doing the same. You’ll look for the red flags
discussed above, and he will look for his own red flags. When both feel as if you know one
another well enough and feel comfortable doing so, a meeting, with all safety precautions in
place, might be in order. This is after references have been checked, and personal information has
been exchanged of course. The meet will be in a public place with no possibility for play - it’s
best if there are no possibilities, because the temptation is always there. And of course, you have
friends who know where you are and who you are with, and who have talked with you, given you
guidance, regarding this meeting.
It sometimes seems hopeless, I know. Finding someone trustworthy to meet and to show you the
BDSM ropes - pun intended - is a time consuming activity. But it is well worth it if submissive is
who you are. Hang in there and have fun!
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