Stupid joke from when I was a pre-teen! (It's bad! You've been warned!"
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Publié :3/6/2018 22h40
Dernière mise à jour :12/6/2021 22h29 1145 vues
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The little pink man got out of the flying saucer and looked around. He straightens his socks and pulled his T-shirt down to make sure his belly button was covered. He was from Pluto, and while Plutonian’s don’t wear pants, they are very modest about their belly buttons.
He spotted a house in the distance and started walking toward it. He checked to be sure his bellybutton was covered and knocked on the door. The Farmer’s wife opened the door and looked at him very strangely for a moment. Then she invited him in and begin cooking a meal for him. She cooked eggs and bacon and toast and pancakes. The little Plutonian ate and ate. Then he hugged the woman walked out the door and was gone.
The woman’s husband said," I thought you didn’t like feeding the vagrants around here."
The woman replied, This time it was different. That poor guy was so broke, he couldn’t even afford a pair of pants. And he had seven of the cutest little tally whacker’s you’ve ever seen!"
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ambition
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Publié :7/1/2018 20h29
Dernière mise à jour :28/9/2019 23h56 1571 vues
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I need to have as much wild sex as possible so one day I can become an inappropriate old lady that blurts out things like "when I was your age, I got a concussion after being bent over a desk" and then my family can be like "grandma, please! You're making Easter dinner really uncomfortable!" and it'll be great!"
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6
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Thoughts from today
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Publié :5/11/2017 21h45
Dernière mise à jour :28/4/2024 15h2 1482 vues
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I finally have him trained! After we had some really hot sex, as we lay there recovering, I said, "I am so thirsty! I need a bottle of water."
And he got up and got both of us one.
Then he said, "Scoot over." And I said, "I left a wet spot on your bed."
And he went and got a towel to remedy the problem.
Is that a terrible thing to say?
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Date Night
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Publié :20/8/2017 17h06
Dernière mise à jour :11/6/2018 22h58 2968 vues
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I just realized....I am having Date Night with myself!
I had a lovely pedicure today and now my feet are sexy. I am freshly shaved. I just ordered a pizza and am awaiting delivery. My plan for the evening is to eat some pizza, then take myself to the bedroom and make love to me. The vibrator is charging and I am hoping Literotica has some hot new stories to stir my imagination. I plan to spend at least an hour, and maybe two, pleasuring myself, and having several massive orgasms. Then I plan to do a few necessary household chores, eat some more pizza and snuggle into bed.
Does anyone else do this?
Ooooo, the pizza is here! Gotta go!
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I like it!!
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Publié :28/10/2016 21h14
Dernière mise à jour :23/6/2017 22h58 3463 vues
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I just received a great first message!
It read, "Hi gorgeous. What a very sexy profile. I would love to get to know and seduce you."
What a novel approach! I had reply, "What are you waiting for?"
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The Ultimate
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Publié :8/10/2015 20h47
Dernière mise à jour :21/8/2017 22h33 6943 vues
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Oh, what a night! It was awesome!
My lover and I asked a hot friend of ours to join in again and it was an electric night!
The scene that still stands out in my mind occurred midway thru' the evening. We had gone to dinner, come back to the motel, caught a little buzz and reconnected. I decided in was time to put the in room whirlpool tub to use. We ran a hot, hot bath and proceeded to ease into it. It was very hot! It took quite awhile to fully immerse ourselves. As we were slowly slipping our bodies in the water, we used the time to flirt, tease, touch, and full arouse each other. Once were in the water,
I was in the middle (my favorite place!) stroking both guys. They were both fondling my body, stroking me under water. It was so hot! My hands quit moving and my eyes closed as I lolled my head back. I could feel a hand on my pussy, then two hands on it. They were rubbing my clit, stroking my pussy, rubbing my tummy. I lost track of whose hand was where. I was just being touched. All over. Sometimes I felt one hand, sometimes 2. Sometimes 3! They zeroed in on my pussy, one of them stroking my clit, the other stroking my inner thigh. I couldn't tell whose hand was rubbing my thigh. I relaxed in the tub, reveling in the sensations. I thought the hands switched. The rhythm seemed to change a bit. I could still feel someone stroking my inner thighs. I was gasping and moaning. My orgasm engulfed my body. I heard myself moaning disjointed phrases.
"Oh, that's good!" "Fuck me!" Oh, my pussy...!"
My orgasm faded away slowly. I slowly opened my eyes and sat up in the tub.
"That was amazing!", I gasped. "Oh my God, who was fingering me when I came?
The guys told me how they had worked together to make me cum. Listening to them explain how they gave me such pleasure was as erotic as when they were doing what they were reliving.
But the water was getting cool and I had two hard dicks to take of. They had earned everything I planned to do to them!
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Fantasy Massage!
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Publié :19/11/2014 20h04
Dernière mise à jour :26/1/2015 20h40 8728 vues
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I got a massage tonight. As I was sitting here, massage drunk, I was reveling in the afterglow, thinking that massage could not have been better. But then my "I want more, I want it all" personality took over and I thought, "Yes! It could have been better!"
Then I itemized the ways it could have been improved.
I decided it would have been better if I been driven to the massage in a limo, while getting buzzed from the back and the massage had been about three hours long, done by a rotating staff of hot men ranging in age from 17 to 65, who were nude and did the massage while whispering dirty, sexy things to me and tantalizing me with extra touches, leading to a group "happy ending"!
If you're gonna dream, dream big!
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Tingles
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Publié :3/2/2010 20h40
Dernière mise à jour :12/10/2015 21h39 16847 vues
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I think I had the best sex of my life this afternoon! It was awesome! I was so selfish...shamelessly selfish.....telling him what to do. And everything I wanted, he did. No discussion. No objection. Just indulged me in total pleasure. And when I apologized for being so selfish, he said I wasn't.
Amazing! So good! I'm still tingling! I think I'll have to see him again. And again.
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Urgent message
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Publié :29/11/2009 12h18
Dernière mise à jour :10/5/2014 22h56 15280 vues
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It has come to my attention that people are choking on edible panties. Please remember to take small bites and chew thoroughly. These are like any other food and are best when savored. Do not try to put the whole panty in your mouth at once.
This has been a public service announcement.
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I'm rich, I'm rich!
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Publié :5/11/2008 15h19
Dernière mise à jour :16/9/2011 21h23 15906 vues
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And I'm going to share it with all of you. OMG!!! When I received this email, I was so surprised!! This is what I've been waiting for all my life.
First, I'm going to help out the schools a little bit. Then, I am going to see the world. When I'm done with that, I'll send all my friends here at passion a share of my inheritance.
OFFICE OF THE SENATE HOUSE
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN PAYMENT
(RESOLUTIONPANEL ON CONTRACT PAYMENT)
IKOYI-LAGOS NIGERIA
OUR REF: FGN /SNT/STB
YOUR ................
tance
ATTN:BENEFICIARY,
THIS IS TO OFFICIALLY INFORM YOU THAT WE HAVE VERIFIED YOUR INHERITANCE FILE AND FOUND OUT THAT WHY YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR PAYMENT IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT FULFILLED THE OBLIGATIONS GIVEN TO YOU IN RESPECT OF YOUR INHERITANCE PAYMENT.
SECONDLY WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU ARE STILL DEALING WITH THE NONE OFFICIALS IN THE BANK. WE WISH TO ADVISE YOU THAT SUCH AN ILLEGAL ACT LIKE THESE HAVE TO STOP IF YOU WISH TO RECEIVE YOUR PAYMENT THIS WEEK SINCE WE HAVE DECIDED TO BRING A SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM. RIGHT NOW WE HAVE ARRANGED YOUR PAYMENT THROUGH OUR SWIFT CARD PAYMENT CENTRE ASIA PACIFIC THAT IS THE LATEST INSTRUCTION FROM MR. PRESIDENT, ALHAJI UMARU YAR'ADUA(GCFR) FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.THIS CARD CENTRE WILL SEND YOU AN ATM CARD WHICH YOU WILL USE TO WITHDRAW YOUR MONEY IN ANY ATM MACHINE IN ANY PART OF THE WORLD,THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT TO WITHDRAW IS THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS PER DAY, SO IF YOU LIKE TO RECEIVE YOUR FUND THIS WAY PLEASE LET US KNOW BY CONTACTING THE CARD PAYMENT CENTRE.
CONTACT PERSON: DR.WILFRED BRUCE:
TELEPHONE #: +2347030854962
EMAIL ADDRESS: {email address removed}
AND ALSO SEND THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION:
1. YOUR FULL NAME
2. PHONE AND FAX NUMBER
3. ADDRESS WERE YOU WANT THEM TO SEND THE ATM CARD
4. YOUR AGE AND CURRENT OCCUPATION
5. ATTACH COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION.
THIS ATM CARD PAYMENT CENTRE HAS BEEN MANDATED TO ISSUE OUT US$5,000,000.00 AS PART PAYMENT FOR YOUR COMPENSATION FOR THIS FISCAL YEAR 2008. ALSO FOR YOUR INFORMATION, YOU HAVE TO STOP ANY FURTHER COMMUNICATION WITH ANY OTHER PERSON(S) OR OFFICE(S) TO AVOID ANY HITCHES IN RECEIVING YOUR PAYMENT. FOR ORAL DISCUSSION, CALL OR EMAIL BACK AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR FURTHER DIRECTION AND ALSO UPDATE ME ON ANY DEVELOPMENT FROM THE ABOVE MENTIONED OFFICE.
NOTE THAT BECAUSE OF IMPOSTORS, WE HEREBY ISSUED YOU OUR CODE OF CONDUCT, WHICH IS (ATM-711) SO YOU HAVE TO INDICATE THIS CODE WHEN CONTACTING THE CARD CENTRE BY USING IT AS YOUR SUBJECT.
THANKS.
DR.DAVID MARK
SENATE PRESIDENT,
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.
If you are a friend of mine here just comment below so I don't leave anyone out.
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A whole new way.....
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Publié :8/1/2008 17h22
Dernière mise à jour :10/5/2014 22h30 16329 vues
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This one floored me.....I didn't know whether to laugh, roll my eyes, hit delete (like I usually do) or reply out of curiousity.
Like alot of other women on here, I hate those first contact e-mail's where the guy says nothing but, "Wanna Fuck?"
Today I got one that topped that.
A man in Utah (you know who you are) sent me a message that said, "I'd love to e-fuck with you."
A whole new way to say, "Wanna Fuck?"
Well, I did read it several times before I hit the delete key.
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What I want.....
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Publié :4/12/2007 22h03
Dernière mise à jour :30/11/2014 22h28 16639 vues
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I have said so many time that I am looking for friends and fun and that at times I desire a safe sexual encounter with a warm wonderful male (or two).
But it goes deeper than that. I want any man that I have had sex (or a relationship)with to give me the respect anyone deserves. It does not mean I am less of a woman because we had sex. And it does not mean he is more of a man because we had sex and he is now treating me like a second class person.
If I refuse to have sex with a man, for any reason, I should not become the target of anger and verbal abuse. Just respect my decision, and maybe we can eventually have a sexual relationship.
I want to be able to ask that we use a condom and not be met with resistance. I have to think about my well-being and I hope you are giving some thought to yours.
I want to feel safe and accepted in this community of friends and know that I will not receive that double-standard brand that so many people are quick to put on a woman who enjoys her sexuality.
Remember that just because I am on a sex site, I am not obligated to have sex with anyone on here. The choice is MINE!
With all this said, there is still one more thing I want.....I want to be seduced. Flirt with me, joke with me, tell me secrets, make me feel special. Play the game and remember there is a certain courtship ritual to sex.
Maybe this is more than you wanted to deal with when you signed up for this site. If it is too much for you to handle, move on. But if you can understand what I am saying and think you'd like to play the game, well, I guess the ball is in your court.
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