hot showers
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Publié :19/3/2013 20h04
Dernière mise à jour :13/4/2013 23h29 3158 vues
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Love the feel of a hot shower..
The water pulsing down on me, making my skin pink and sensitive.
Today I caught myself fantasizing about you. Your gentle touch pushing my hair aside to run down the back side of my neck and across my shoulders. Sliding down to the small of my back and cupping my ass.
Your mouth nibbling along the same path down my neck. As your hands glided back up to wrap around me and begin brushing across my nipples. While one had reaches lower to that secret spot between my thighs.
Is it so sad that I fantasize about your hands in my hair washing it and lathering my body with Delicious little circles.
Needless to say by the time I was done I was very wet in another way and shaking with desire.
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All Tied Up EMOTIONALLY
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Publié :10/3/2013 11h50
Dernière mise à jour :13/3/2013 15h51 2987 vues
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It has been so long since I have felt the lash of a whip, the caress of a flogger. It has been forever since I have had balance.
I find myself tied up emotionally with the issues with JJ. I find myself fantasizing about dark things. Things he began to bring out in me, and now has left me empty, with his silence.
I find myself feeling Mania- My need for him has become obsessive and jealous, to see him again to feel his touch. How did I allow myself to fall this far.
And with his absence where will I go.
As always there are offers of meaningless release... opportunities.
And yet I withhold myself from them as they are not what I need or desire.
I learned long ago the emptiness that comes from such meaningless gratifications.
And Yet the emptiness that I feel now, is it that much different?
What I need is to feel the lash upon my body, the pain that quickly turns to pleasure. To find my balance once more. To erase this darkness of need that fills me and will never again be satisfied in his absence.
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Feeling a little bit Bitchy
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Publié :9/3/2013 8h02
Dernière mise à jour :15/3/2013 8h50 2945 vues
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Sorry All, I'm in a bit of a bitchy mood today.
It started because of last night, Dom and I had plans to go out and begin his search to find a new Submissive. I don't know why this has got me in such a mood, I'm used to being the wing woman but for some reason this endeavor has rubbed me a Little raw( but I feel obligated to help him find his happiness) Any way it didn't happen as his kido got sick so he couldn't go out, being a mom myself I completely understand and empathize but left me home on a friday night with nothing to do and no where to play.
I took it as a sign I was meant to stay in for the night and was completely bored..
2nd issue, my job put out a mandatory call for over time this weekend, something I was not looking forward to, but as i did not go out last night I was up and ready to go when I got the call they were canceling because of the snow. Now I'm a Native so a little bit of snow dose not scare me. Plus now it has not only ruined my day today but will effect my plans next weekend for St Patrick's day.. (cause they will expect us all in then.)
Add to all of this and JJ has not contacted me, it's been almost 2 weeks. I stopped texting him trying to get a response or explanation as to why he went silent on me.
Iknow I should let it go..but silence is a killer for me.
It would be so much easier to take if he would just explain himself and tell me to fuck off.
I read somewhere one of those stupid quotes that the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.
For me that is very true.
And the last reason I guess is that with work canceled and no plans pending, and a lot of emptiness and a little sexual frustration I decided to contact Playboy asked him to come spend the day with me and get snowed in together. We've talked since the incident with the jackal, and I know he has slept with her a few times( she makes sure I know)But things with us are just not the same now. Before he would have jumped at the chance and we would of spent the day cuddling, laughing, watching tv and having Marathon sex. But today he begged off.
I miss him and what we shared, he was my friend as well as my lover and now there is a rift between us.It makes me very sad( which just makes me angry because I hate being sad)
I guess that wasn't the last reason though it feels like it was but I think the last reason is MY M. He contacted me last week (was his birthday.) I think the lose of Playboy and now even JJ are effecting me so strongly because of where I was with My M last year. I was looking for a new home a place for us to start a life, even with all the drama there was still the hope of something yet to come. Every time we talk that feeling comes back up, and afterwords leaves me feeling so empty I can hardly breath.
I find myself wanting to talk to him get his advice on this issue with JJ( how inappropriate would that be) but My M was my confidant my touch stone so to speak. He knew every secret or aspect of my life. He was my cheer leader on the good days my therapist on the bad.He was my best friend.
That sad to say because in many ways he was a lousy friend a even worse boyfriend.. Lol but he was what i had and since we have split I have not had anyone in that capacity, a friend a confidant.
Again this brings on the sad and the lonely which just pisses me off even more..lol
I know I will get through this I have re built my whole life and the rest will eventually come. But.. for now it is still a very lonely road I'm walking out here.
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what to do about DOM
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Publié :6/3/2013 19h57
Dernière mise à jour :26/4/2013 18h41 2891 vues
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Ok so I mentioned Dom had contacted me.
To be fair we have always kept in touch I care for him and ask about him and his boys from time to time. He is a good man.
And what he taught me about myself gave me value and direction.
So.. he has proposed that he and I should start to see each other( no that's not right) He has proposed that we should help each other out in finding respective partners.
In many ways I feel as though I owe the man. Our sessions were the closest to sexual release that I think I will ever come to in this life time, and they did gave me a necessary balance. ( something I have truly missed, in these last months).
He has not had a lot of luck finding a submissive.
He has a play partner of sorts that lives in another state but he does not see their relationship going any where future. He is looking for something Long term with the possibility of being a mate.
Though I have not been in active search of a DOM this last year and 1/2, I do have ties with in the community and was active at one point in learning and socializing.
Dom like me finds it difficult and uncomfortable to attend events alone and feels that together we can ease this discomfort level.
Though to be honest for me it has been more of a safety concern as a unescorted/single/ uncollered submissive, does have to watch the event she attends.
Like with everything when I take the role of a wing women I was completely on board and started thinking of all the ways I could facilitate a better selection of submissive for him..
What the HELL?
I even thought about organizing a speed dating event for him. lol
Yeah I know a little over the top, but I'm good at event planning and putting the right people together to network.
For now I will just take him to a couple of socializing events and try to get a feel for what it is he is looking for.
I'm not really sure how our interaction together will be, ?? Though we have maintained a semblance of communication, His history of the one and only true dominate in my life is bound to be a bit awkward.
Though his offer extends to helping me in finding a dominate as well. lol..
I honestly don't see that as a pursuit I am interested in. Besides I know the group of people and circles and if I found no one of interest before I don't see that attending a event with him will improve upon my chances.
Besides as I have said in the past I am not a good submissive, I am rebellious and obstinate and the Doms that have approached me in the past almost make me laugh at the thought that they could ever dominate me.
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my current desire
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Publié :6/3/2013 19h02
Dernière mise à jour :24/5/2024 10h49 2175 vues
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I woke up with your name on my lips.
My Nipple hard and achy.
My thighs damp with need
It's been 2 weeks since you were last in my bed, your nakedness wrapped around me.
It was a comfort just to lay in your arms and to sleep the day away.
To feel your breath caress my neck.
To have you pressed up against me.
I don't think I have ever felt that comfortable with someone before.
And now each night I lie here and wish I could have you back as it was.
You push me in directions that scare me and yet excite me.
You ask things of me that make me feel guilty, because deep down I am finding new desires and kinks that I would have never considered before.
You send me into a frenzy because I want to do them all.. and I want to do them now.. with you.. for you..
The pictures and video's you send, send me into a constant state of arousal.. and the ones you ask of me, (though I am still quite shy) are becoming easier to submit to.
I want you to wake up hard and needy and think of me as you touch yourself. I want your last thoughts before slipping off to sleep to be of my mouth, my breast, by body surrounding you with warmth.
I want desperately to take you to the places we discussed, to do the things you secretly want..to experience these things together with more to come.
To be your one kinky women.
I don't know how long what we share can last, and at this point I don't care.. I just want to share it all with you, and not think beyond that for now.
I want you to be my playmate my lover...
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taking a break
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Publié :4/3/2013 16h11
Dernière mise à jour :30/3/2013 20h38 2178 vues
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I have been taking a break so to speak stepping away. Shut down my profile. Stopped returning emails. I don't even know if it is possible for others to view my blog let alone comment to it at this point.
But I need this break, to heal
I had a lot of set backs the last few months with the people I have chosen to engage with, from this site, and honestly it has taken it's toll on me
People that in one way or another have taken a little piece of my self esteem, or inflicted some minor damage to my heart.
From My M and the renewed contact, the incident with playboy and culminating with JJ.
JJ definitely did a mind fuck and continues to do so.
I haven't been dominated in a long time and actually I was to the point of thinking that what I experienced with Dom was a complete fluke. My experience with JJ is completely different, it is not that he can not physically dominate me but it was very subtle. No with him it became very mental placing demands on me pushing buttons, and boundaries until it was a physical need. The whole thing took me by surprise.
But then he will with drawl from me, and disappear. This of course hits me at my core and chips away at my self esteem.
I don't understand it, and then when I have almost gotten over the rejection and hurt he will walk back into my life with a explanation and draw me back in. His explanations always bring out the caretaker in me enough to allow me to forgive him. Lol
This last episode has lasted a week, and it has been a week full of obsession, distraction and uncertainty.
I watch for him on line, and in watching for him it hurts because if he is not contacting me then he must of course be contacting someone else.
Maybe I should be glad he has done what he has done, because my inhibitions were getting lower and lower,I was becoming more risky in my behavior with him allowing him control. I can see where it may have taken me, and that's a place I don't wish to be in my life.
But it still hurts, not hearing his voice, being deprived of his touch.
The hardest thing these last few weeks past is realizing and finding myself surrounded by jackals in my life, Some would say that I brought it on myself associating with those in life with a lower moral compass.. Lol
I need to find my way out of this hole.
I need to find understanding as to why this started happening, and how I stop and reverse the damage that has been done to me, these last few months and make sure it never happens again.
I was supposed to be finding my sexual freedom and control and in many ways I have. and yet I still have so very far to go all my baggage in life my insecurities are wrapped up in my sexual self.
And finding someone who will see that help me build up instead of attacking my vulnerability is a difficult endeavor. recently all I have found it the later, and it has left me reeling from pain and self doubt.
I don't know if JJ will even contact me again, his with drawl was even more abrupt and unsubstantiated this time, one minute talking about the next time we were to meet, and then the next complete and utter silence. As in the past he has refused to explain his actions to me until it is convenient to him.
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I am not the 1
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Publié :24/2/2013 22h11
Dernière mise à jour :4/3/2013 20h37 2168 vues
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The last few weeks have lead me to the realization that I am not the one.
I have had it addressed to me from several different sources.
The 1st of which was-My M, he started contacting me right before Christmas, he and the wife went there separate ways for a very brief period of time.( they r cohabiting again though of course he swears this is just or financial convenience only and that they are really and truly done)
For a moment I started to be dragged right back into the hope that he and I would find our way, but deep down the one thing I know is that I deserve better and though walking away from him a 2nd time was almost my undoing, is still for the very best.
The 2nd is DOM-
He contacted me with a very interesting proposition he is currently looking for a new submissive but more then that he is looking for a mate. He thinks that we may be able to help each other out in this respect.
It's not that I want to be with DOM, but my first response is why isn't it me?
In many ways it is my own fault as I have set myself up as the proverbial wing women.
I experienced this with my regular wing man as well as with Playboy and Mr Yummy in a way. Everything they are asking for and desiring is in me, but for some reason they can not see me in that light.
Why is that?
Is it because I have held myself back?
Or is it something else entirely?
JJ and I have continued to see each other and I find myself caring for him a great deal. A huge mistake on my part because he is emotionally incapable of giving me what I need or deserve. He is chasing his own demons and washing them away much more then is healthy.
A flaw to my character is that I always take in strays and try to help them heal, they of course usually end up biting me in the end. Lol
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you haven't seen the last of me---Cher
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Publié :23/2/2013 20h24
Dernière mise à jour :24/5/2024 10h49 2020 vues
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This is my current theme song
"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"
Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
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What r your fantasy's?
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Publié :9/2/2013 23h23
Dernière mise à jour :1/4/2013 16h37 2891 vues
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So with the insomnia came all this self analization
And these are some of the thoughts that have been racing through my head so I am just getting it down and out.
As I've said before I have had a very limited sex life I was with the same man for 19 yrs of my life.
The relationship itself was destructive as it was both emotionally and toward the end very physically abusive.
if I had to chose between the two I would chose the physical abuse every time, because it is the emotional stuff that has me damaged.
One of his controls was sex and affection, and he used to call me a slut because he said all I ever wanted was sex.
( let me be clear I was lucky to get sex for a cumulative hour a yr and 15 minutes every 3-4 months)
But just this 1 statement did it's toll on me because, I associate my desires with being a slut. And it's because of this that the few times I have explored my own desires I have felt guilt the following day.
Other areas where his words were damaging were to my self image ( I was always a fat ugly Bitch) and my sexual image- 1 because he did deny me sex, my mind said that it had to be me, that I was doing something wrong and could not satisfy him.( even though when we did have sex it was over for him before I even got warmed up) His added cruelty toward the end of are relationship really added to my sexual insecurity.
So all of this has lead me to the knowledge that I need something more.
I recently re did my profile on another sight and this is what I said-I am very controlled in my daily life always responsible and in charge. but at 36 I am just discovering my sexual identity. I'm monogamous by nature, but am open to poly life style. I'm not a jealous person by nature and share well but ultimately want a LTR relationship where we explore together. I am not a BI-female ( so can not be termed a unicorn) having said that I have a lot of game with women and I enjoy being kissed and touched and if the right women presented herself then maybe I would be more giving of myself but basically I am a pillow princess and will not claim to be anything else.
I am a Masochist,( I enjoy a little pain with all my pleasure) I enjoys the feel of a flogger, paddle or belt in the right hands. And if a DOm relationship presented itself... I'm Looking for Someone who can push my boundaries to the limits with out damaging me or humiliating me. who is willing to build me back up and give me the support and confidence I need to enjoy my submission.
I'm single.... not really looking because that takes to much effort and I have a life that includes my children( a 12 yr old son who lives with me through the week and has weekends with his Dad and a 14 yr old Daughter I have 24/7)... They are old enough to have a life of their own....so most weekends and nights I'm free but.... they will always be my first loves
Though I have found that BDSM is more of a life style choice for me then just play. it has made me question why I am submissive, why I have found my submission at this time in my life,and even if I am truly a submissive at all.... or just someone with a lot of new kinks they want to explore... it also makes me question the types of relationships I am willing to pursue.
Sexually I need the balance and release that BDSM gives me BUT....I also need sensual relationship, open to communication, laughter and just plain old fun in and out of the bedroom.
Currently I'm just looking for a mentor, and to create positive and supporting friendships.get out of the day to day and socialize. I'm eager to learn and grow in my sexuality so looking for those willing to provide Instruction and feedback, as I am new to this life style and a completely untrained submissive.
End profile
So today here I am putting myself out there in a world where I am sure to be shot down and wondering what the HELL am I thinking.
I think the key to the profile above is that I need Someone who can push my boundaries to the limits with out damaging me or humiliating me. someone who is willing to build me back up and give me the support and confidence I need to enjoy
I was recently asked what my desires and fantasies are.. A simple question right..
Hell No. Because in my marriage I wasn't allowed to have fantasy or desires.. My fantasy at that point was just getting through the day with out a big blow up. Lol
And on those rare moments where my mind may have wandered that way it was for very PC stuff. Like the desire to receive oral se something I had never experienced until we split.. The desire to give oral sex (because was one of the things he didn't like and called me a slut for wanting to do.)
The majority of my fantasy base is around public sex, wearing no panties to dinner, having a remote vibrating egg while at a party. playing with toys together...very pc couple kind of activity.
The rest is all about sensual Play..
Though I am open to other realms of fantasy and want someone to push my boundaries a little. The problem for me lies in that for me to feel that I also have to trust.
I've said all along I do not want a relationship..or at least not one that is serious.
I think I've been lying to myself completely, I said it in earlier blogs recently that I have been self sabotaging myself and hiding behind the sex. The incident with JJ has brought this all out for me. Every fantasy that I come up with has a element that you just can not experience with a NSA relationship.
So people because I can not seem to come up with good fantasy's of my own what are some of yours?
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insomnia
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Publié :9/2/2013 15h34
Dernière mise à jour :9/2/2013 17h59 2197 vues
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insomnia is going to be the death of me.
The more sleep I lose, the worse my emotional state is getting.
I know a lot of it is that I hate to sleep alone, which is funny because 19 yrs with the same man and I can honestly say it was the loneliest my bed had ever been.. lol
But it's something about having that physical presence.
I try to fool myself and have a crap load of pillows around me..but it's just not working..
Since I can't seem to find a bed fellow, I don't know what to do.
Would invest in a must but the landlord says no Dogs allowed. besides if it's gonna be hogging the bed and snoring in my ear better be able to spoon to.
But these long nights do have my mind going in all sorts of directions.
Some are very sexual and have started writing again for lit erotica.
Some are much more philosophical and self analyzing, which are harder to deal with.
Wish I could go back to working nights, as for some reason the best time to sleep has always been 11 am- 2pm granted that is still only a few hrs but at least they were hrs of complete dead to the world sleep
Not like now when I am just rambling on... Sorry.
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More please
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Publié :3/2/2013 20h48
Dernière mise à jour :8/2/2013 14h54 2583 vues
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Why is it that having sex, makes you want to have even more sex?
Lol
Anyone who knows me or has even taken the time to read any of my blogs knows that I am a sexual wanta be- I say this because the average 21 yr old has had more sexual experience than I have.
When it comes to sex I can actually be described as NAIVE.
Oh I have the passion and the will( and when given the opportunity, what I lack in experience I make up for in enthusiasm and the willingness to learn. lol ).. And if truth be told I get more then my share of opportunities as well.
Mr Yummy once told me all I had to do is walk into the grocery store and tell any man in there I wanted to take him home and have sex and I would 9 time out of 10 not be turned down.( not sure I believe that, as I would like to believe there are more happily committed men then that)
But you get the drift.
I get invited to many sexual events, more then the average girl on this site according to the social groups I attend. I have theory's on why this is-My Theory=I'm still the unknown, and everyone wants to be the first to concur the unknown.. You would think this community is so large that people would not know every ones business but I have learned that most the time someone knows someone else who herd about what you did at the last party or the Mon.. The community is very small in many ways.. another reason why I have never played with anyone in the social realm..discretion is key for me. Who I'm with, what we do is between us.
Recently ,I learned the hard way as a supposed friend actually targeted one of my lovers..
Which is sad because I have so few, and was a long time lover and friend and he will be missed a great deal.
But in some ways was my own fault as I went out to the Mon with him and I posted about how great of a relationship I had with him.
Basically this threw down the gauntlet in her eyes because she wants to be the center of every ones attention..
Lessons learned..
But back to this need for sex.. Do other women have this problem? do men?
What do you do to get you through the down time?
Any good destruction techniques? cause if I was a man I would be walking around with a damn erection 24/7 that's how bad it is right now.
I know part of it is that I'm still looking for that release valve and the man who can achieve it.( 35 + years without a orgasm takes it's toll)
As well as that, it has been over a year and a 1/2 since I have had a session with Dom and because I never found anyone else to provide those services I am missing the balance I crave and received from it.
So help a girl out with the advice and techniques..
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The stigma of the good girl
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Publié :2/2/2013 16h30
Dernière mise à jour :10/2/2013 23h38 2332 vues
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So.. self analization has lead me to the belief that I am really and truly just fucked.
I started this as a way to begin my journey to achieve all the things I had fantasized and wished for. All the things that I missed out on.
But ultimately it does not matter how much I want to be a bad girl( and that in a sexual realm that is my nature full of kinks and fantasies, passions unfulfilled and dying to get released.)
In every other way I am a Good Girl and guys just do not want a good girl.
Although I am comfortable with the idea of a non committed sexual relationship with someone, my flaw will always be that though I do not feel the need for them to be committed to me emotionally or physically. I on the other had have to feel a emotional commitment of sorts- to feel a connection and trust with the man I’m with. And though I may not love them in the since of being in love with them I have to have a common respect for them as a person and thus care for them.
I’m a nurturer by nature and am the type of friend and lover that loves to do little things to show my appreciation. I treat people as I want to be treated with respect, and honesty.
These are all flaws to my personality.
I say this because-By Being a good Girl by nature I also come across as being to emotionally attached, and thus takes me out of the running before I get to let my inner Bad Girl in the bedroom come out.
I've heard this from 2 different guys Mr Yummy and the last guy( damn what should I call him, screen name seems to personal so I'll just call him JJ)
JJ really bothered me because like Mr Yummy was someone I trusted pretty immediately and felt that connection with that I thought he could be a great play partner. As well as a friend outside the bedroom.
His blow off and disappearing act added another major hit to my self esteem level
he contacted me this week and there was this side of me that started to think in the lines of the good girl.. First off I was gonna make him really work for it..lol
But then I gave my self a pep talk last night and decided that was BS. I don't want a relationship with this guy that ship sailed. As I've said I don't trust easy and when you break that trust you can bet I'm not playing anymore. I'm a honest girl and it's the only thing I really ask and demand of anyone in my life.
So I decided to let my Bad girl out and take back a little control..I went out with the girls dancing last night but before we left for the evening a few pictures were taken of me in my bra and garter that I wore under my Mini Skirt.( there posted to my profile today) I knew this was right up JJ's ally so I sent him one as a teaser.
Then when I got in from the club at 4 something this morning I text him. He works nights so took a chance things were slow.
I also had a wax appointment today, and as I've said before nothing gets me hornier then hot wax on my clit. lol
So I asked him for a booty call to take care of my needs and give him a good sleep before his shift tonight. Win Win right?
This is so out of my character, but I've already slept with the guy and he virtually rejected me.. So this time it wasn't about him.. It was about me..
Satisfying my own needs and having sex on my own terms and I did just that 
Honestly I don't care if he ever calls me again.
today was for me and the bad girl I want to be.
I was sexually empowering to walk in there getting what I needed and then just getting dressed and leaving., no long drawn out discussion. No cuddling, Just Thanks that was great see you around.
it won't happen again but was nice this one time..
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Define this
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Publié :30/1/2013 16h43
Dernière mise à jour :10/2/2013 16h10 2185 vues
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Ok.
So some serious miss communication breakdowns lately so lets do a little defining. Mine and urs please
NSA- NO STRINGS ATTACHED- when I read this is basically tells me you want to FUCK, you could care less about my life and you sure as hell don't want me to know about yours. Most likely just a one time hook up.
This is usually the guys sending me a email Hay baby come meet me at the hotel.
For the record and if you would bother to read my profile instead of looking at my tits and ass you would save us both a lot of time by seeing I'm never gonna do this.
Fuck buddie AKA the booty call- This for me means a occasional hook up for sex only we know the basics about each other but it's all sex ,we are not hanging out to do other things.
FWB Friends with benefits- This is the one that gets tricky for me because it means so many things to different people.
FWB can be just that we are and will always be friends, but occasionally we walk down the road to the area of sex as well. Lol
Most the time it is defined in my eyes as we hang out and do other things, but at the end of the night most likely were getting busy to.
This can lead into the lover phase- We text, we talk on the phone we know some pretty intimate shit about each other but physically and emotionally. But neither one of us see's it as a long term thing or a commitment. W have true feelings for each other some of them may even be love But we are by no means in love with each other or looking to be exclusive and settle down.
The Affair- This is hot and heavy dating and sex, with that touch of danger to it of being caught. We lust for each other but it will burn out quickly once the thrill is gone
Dating with options- For me this is along the lines of FWB and lovers we date each other we talk and share we have great sex. But we are not committed to each other exclusively and we are open about this.
Dating- For me this is a commitment that we are serious enough that we are no longer searching out other partners( at least not unless it's to share Lol)
So what are your Definitions?
where have i missed the mark?
what other things should be defined?
And most importantly what are you really looking for at the end of the day?
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