Russ and Sam
|
Publié :1/7/2013 11h34
Dernière mise à jour :2/7/2013 10h21 3075 vues
|
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
and watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,
Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress
at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed sex charges against me,
and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
|
|
|
1
commentaire
|
|
Blonds Joke
|
Publié :30/6/2013 10h12
Dernière mise à jour :21/5/2024 10h41 3030 vues
|
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
|
|
|
0
commentaires
|
|
Pay Raise
|
Publié :30/6/2013 9h53
Dernière mise à jour :30/6/2013 14h18 3023 vues
|
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.”
“The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife increasingly agitated, “Oh he did did he???”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
“And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora…the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
|
|
|
1
commentaire
|
|
No More Headaches
|
Publié :27/6/2013 13h27
Dernière mise à jour :28/6/2013 13h14 3092 vues
|
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
|
|
|
1
commentaire
|
|
Johnny Again
|
Publié :26/6/2013 11h22
Dernière mise à jour :27/6/2013 13h27 3048 vues
|
Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues. ‘Johnny!’ Mom screams. ‘Knock it off.’
You’re going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. ‘Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?’ she asks. He says, ‘I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart.'
|
|
|
1
commentaire
|
|
A Toast
|
Publié :22/6/2013 12h04
Dernière mise à jour :22/6/2013 22h30 3307 vues
|
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me darling wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “What was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
|
|
|
1
commentaire
|
|
French Fighter Pilot
|
Publié :21/6/2013 23h52
Dernière mise à jour :22/6/2013 22h31 3095 vues
|
Pierre, a french fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It`s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips.
“What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie.
“Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.
So she says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her t*ts.
“Pierre, what are you doing?”
“My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?”
“My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”
|
|
|
1
commentaire
|
|
Not Laughing but asking
|
Publié :17/6/2013 17h31
Dernière mise à jour :21/6/2013 23h52 3379 vues
|
Do you ever have one of those days that no matter how many times you masterbate it never seems enough ?
|
|
|
2
commentaires
|
|
Black stockings and Mask
|
Publié :13/6/2013 22h40
Dernière mise à jour :15/6/2013 12h10 3051 vues
|
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend : The other night when my
boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams..
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress :
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story : When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?'
|
|
|
1
commentaire
|
|
Male Hair Removal
|
Publié :12/6/2013 19h19
Dernière mise à jour :17/6/2013 12h13 3320 vues
|
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts
had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit if a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’ have have long to wait.At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion had not featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts were no veg had gone before.Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering argh ooooh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect
|
|
|
2
commentaires
|
|
Travel Plans
|
Publié :12/6/2013 11h18
Dernière mise à jour :12/6/2013 19h18 3189 vues
|
My Travel Plans for 2013-2014
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to pass this to at least one unstable person. My job is done!
Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.
So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! Well that forgiveness part is up to you!!!
|
|
|
1
commentaire
|
|
Little Johnny AGAIN
|
Publié :8/6/2013 12h46
Dernière mise à jour :12/6/2013 11h19 3262 vues
|
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.
“Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don't have to.” – the little boy replied.
“Of course you do.” – his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
|
|
|
2
commentaires
|
|
Old Woman Tells Ages
|
Publié :5/6/2013 23h23
Dernière mise à jour :8/6/2013 12h44 3381 vues
|
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 34,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 46,” says the man happily.
About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald’s and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “I’m guessing that you’re about 30?”
“Nope, I am actually 46.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your p*nis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. I know you’re 46″
Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonald’s”.
|
|
|
1
commentaire
|
|
Pour créer un lien vers ce blog (tallsassybbw58), utilisez [blog tallsassybbw58] dans vos messages.
|
|
|
| Dim |
Lun |
Mar |
Mer |
Jeu |
Ven |
Sam |
| |
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
91
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
|
|
|
